Carving out time for relationship as single mom
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Anonymous
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Just started dating someone for the first time in a long time....
Fulltime single mom. Been a few months and feel like the logistics are unsustainable. Figuring out babysitting each week, paying too much, fitting in visits while DC is at playdate or sleepover. Feel like every week it's a whole new challenge of how to figure it out. An obvious solution is to set up something regular with a sitter but my DC seems to like to have different sitters...been also balancing keeping DC happy with more evenings out than previously, have had some pushback on sitters which I never had before. Part of it is that person I am seeing has no such constraints so it's always me juggling, etc. How do single moms do this???? Maybe it is just hard. |
Anonymous
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Get a regular, weekly sitter so you can have a night out each week. Can the new SO come over after DC goes to bed for wine and dessert? Watch a movie?
I'm the opposite of you. I am the single one dating the single dad with 3 kids that he has every Wed-Saturday. It sucks, but I knew what I was getting in to. I try to be around 2 nights with the kids, and maybe come by after bedtime another night, and stay home one of them. Sunday-Tuesday are hard to do with my schedule and he is a fireman so out schedules rarely line up. You have to let go of a lot of control and just let it happen. If SO hasn't met your DC yet, consider when you want that to happen. If you do make it to that point and they can be around each other, it will get easier. |
Anonymous
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OP: yes, probably need to set up a sitter at least once a week. let DC choose who maybe...
Yes, SO has met DC so we've done some stuff together but I don't want to push it too much since it is early days and I'm still not quite sure. Have done late nights a few times but maybe will try that with DC aware that SO is coming over to watch a movie so I'm not tiptoeing around all the time. Good to know this is not easy for others either! |
Anonymous
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Hi OP - my quick answer was I couldn't do it. Even dating single dads it was very hard to coordinate schedules. The exception would have been if I wanted to bring my child into the relationship fairly quickly and I wasn't willing to do that.
I also got pushback from my child on being left with a sitter more often and that made me feel guilty. Dating someone without kids was just untenable. They didn't get it and really had unrealistic expectations (wanted me to come hang out all day Saturday with them) |
Anonymous
| OP: SO does have kids (so he gets it) but they are older so not a day to day constraint. |
Anonymous
| I am 9:08. How much are you inviting SO to do things when DC is around? It was nice to be given the option for me. I'd do outings, but didn't hang around the house during the week a lot. It was nice to be able to have dinner and watch a movie during the week when he has kids. They'd go to bed and we'd hang out downstairs. I would tell DC that SO will be around that evening. Children like to be informed and aware. We got to point where the kids would ask if I was coming for dinner or coming to say goodnight. It has worked itself out, but it did take time to find our rhythm. |
Anonymous
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I basically feel like you do and my schedule is like your schedule. So I guess I'm saying -- we're in the same boat!
I do get EOW "off." But on those weekends, I still have games to watch and all the errands and chores that don't get done with our crazy weekday schedule. I am lucky that I have lots of energy. Really. I've come to the conclusion, it is run around like crazy or don't be in a relationship. Fortunately, after lots of trial and error, I've found a guy that gets it. He's a single father but has a different schedule than me. We've talked about bringing the kids into the relationship, but...neither of us has done that yet (with others) and our kids are different ages. Basically, I want to take it very slow on that as there is no rush. My kids love sitters, so I get cheers when they hear someone is coming over. I get sitters in fits and starts. It's not a regular thing. All that being said, I only have so much free time, so the time that I can spent with my BF is very limited -- and his life is very busy as well. We're averaging just 1-2x a week. We want to spend more time together, but it's been a few months and with summer travel, this is the best we've been able to manage. When I was dating people 1-2 times (looking for a steady relationship), that was totally exhausting. Lots of racing around, running late, throwing clothes on, staying up too late...but there really wasn't an alternative. I prefer someone with kids -- and a good dad at that! I've gone out with all ages (older, younger), kids, no kids. I have no rules, but some common ground helps when things get really hectic. Take your time and I believe if handled properly, you are entitled to adult time and your child will adjust. If you were married and had social engagements, it would be no different, IMO. I went out all the time when I was married. |
Anonymous
| Schedule. When I was single with my DD I found the only way to do this was to run a fairly constant schedule. I set aside Saturday afternoon and nights for me and DD always went to grandparents or a sitter that day. DD was content with the schedule because she knew what to expect and I was able to date. DD and I would then spend Sunday together as our day Granted the rest of the week was drastically busy and some Saturday's I dropped off DD and went home just to rest but it gave me time I knew I did not have to worry about things |
Anonymous
| Simple. You wait until your DC is 18 and out of the house. Then you get your life and your own priorities back. |
Anonymous
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Because a grown adult should put his or her life on hold and focus on a child. That kid won't wind up a freak or anything.
OP, you sound happier and more well-adjusted than the PP. So good luck juggling it all. |
Anonymous
| OP: still at this. finding myself a bit panicked each week as i'm sorting out babysitting arrangements...keep thinking man i'm dating will get fed up and leave, even though he keeps reassuring me about this. is this just my own anxiety issue or do others have this worry? |
Anonymous
Married mom here, but I hope you also believe that this statement applies to married couples as well. They should NEVER have date night or time away from their kids  Those are the people whose kids go off to college and then they realize they have no life of their own.
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Anonymous
| 15:28 here. Oops forgot to give OP advice. Do you have any single mom friends or do you belong to a single moms group? When SIL first started dating her fiance, she would trade off child care play dates with her single mom friends she met from a group. Her son preferred that over a babysitter so she did a mix between the two. And it helped the other moms who may not have been able to afford a babysitter all the time. |
Anonymous
OP: Have not found a single moms group in DC. Does anyone know of one? One single mom friend in town but her kids are older than mine so doesn't really work for childcare...kids don't really play together. Some married friends who trade off playdates and sleepovers with me but sometimes hard to schedule and coordinate with date times... |
Anonymous
| OP what city are you in? I have a ten YO and a five YO in Oakton VA. - fellow single mom |