Pre-K Behavior Question

[Anonymous]

Need some honest advice here.

DD is in pre-K at a wonderful school. She talks a lot about a "mean" boy who is in her class. The teacher admits this child is having adjustment issues. But I think it might be more than that. DD complains about being teased, pushed, etc. Every day it is a new story about what the mean boy did. Other parents have confided in me similar concerns, including violence, teasing, and sexist comments.

What is the etiquette here? I know "mean boy" is someone's child, and he needs pre-K as much as my DD does. I am sensitive to the challenges the teacher faces, and I know I could not do her job nearly as well as she does. But I feel like I need to say something or do something about this situation. Any ideas?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like the teacher is aware of the situation. Is there more than one teacher in the classroom? How many children?

[Anonymous]

Do not say that you want this child kicked out, that is not your call. But I think you should absolutely speak to the school about your concerns and how it affects your daughter. The school cannot share confidential information with you about this other child, and you have to be careful about sparking some sort of crusade against the poor kid, who is clearly having some problems. But you are absolutely within your rights to ask them to make sure your daughter has a safe school experience.

[Anonymous]

Mom of last years' "mean-boy" here ... absolutely talk with the teachers and the admin here. Last year in Pre-K, my son was the "mean-boy" according to some parents. He would come home crying because so+so told him "my mom says you're mean and you cannot come to my BDay party!". I was even yelled at in the parking lot by another mom during pm pickup. We were very pro-active w/ the teachers and admin - and they were wonderful - as were some parents (who didn't treat us like pariahs). My son was not/is not a mean boy and had trouble adjusting to the class and routine. We live in a wonderful neighborhood full of boys and he was accustomed to "playing up" especially in sports/outside play. For him, soccer was a tackle sport because that's the way it was played in the neighborhood! This year (K) has been a wonderful experience and he has become a very sympathetic, sweet classmate who is well liked and has many playdates. He's also reading ahead of most of his friends and likes to read to them. This year there is obviously another "mean-boy" in the class and I have total empathy for that mom. I see her son is not mean - he's very young and acting out in the only way he knows. Hopefully, that will be behind him next year!

There are so many levels of "maturity" at this age and sometimes a little patience and proactive conversations with the school is all it takes. Some kids are mean -- sorry to say it, but its true. But a lot of kids are simply not up to speed yet and need more reassurance and patience. AND, their parents are most likely nice normal, responsible people as well.

As the previous poster said - be careful not to start a crusade against this child & family. Be proactive with the teachers/school and most especially w/ your daughter. No child should feel like a victim or be made into a bully.

[Anonymous]

I think you have gotten great advice. My daughter is an only and can get very overwhelmed by more physical kids. Her imaginary play scenarios sometimes reflect her stress about things at school -- and I work on them with her. If one of her "brothers" has been pushing or kicking her, we practice saying, "Please don't hit me. I don't like that." and I have introduced the concept of voting with her feet, "I don't want to play with you when you hit me." and then playing with someone else or doing something else. I would mention the issue with the teachers, and then ask how they handle it in the classroom, and how you can reinforce appropriate responses to the behavior at home -- that way when you discuss it with the teachers you seem willing to do your part. I also asked at the Parent teacher conference if in voicing her feelings my daughter was being mean -- and they said no-- i want to give her words, but i want to make sure she still respects others. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

A couple of thoughts - you should absolutely sit down with the teachers and with the school administrators and tell them about your concerns for your daughter. It shouldn't - and doesn't need to be - about the 'mean boy' and whatever problems he may or may not have; this is about how the school is teaching children with diverse personalities and imposing discipline. Try to avoid the temptation of pulling the other parents' views into the discussion - just focus on how to create a safe and nurturing learning environment for your child and everyone else.

Also, I think the mean thing may be developmental. I have a rambunctious 4yo boy, who is also incredibly sensitive. He's lucky enough to be in a class with more girls than boys, and where he is one of the oldest - so he has no problems at school at the moment, fingers crossed. But I see his close buddies, who are basically very sweet decent kids and in some cases better disciplined than he is, starting to exhibit some pretty nasty behavior - some of it bad language or the cruel stuff that's usually associated with little girls (cliquishness and 'you're not my friend') but also physical bullying (which seems different to me than just the pushing and other physical stuff that a lot of little boys do as they learn boundaries etc.) I know these are good kids in every sense of the word, so I've been guessing that this is maybe a stage that a lot of kids go through at 4 or 5yo. Doesn't make it easier for your daughter, but with the right approach from his teachers and parents maybe the 'mean boy' can mature into a nicer little guy.

[Anonymous]

great advice. you might also talk to the school counselor if there is one. Last year I spoke to our school counselor when my son started reported some bullying behavior by his friends against other children in the class. I needed to figure out ways to help my son talk about his feelings about this with me. the counselor gave me a lot of good ideas about how to validate my son's sense of right and wrong. She also suggested some role playing so he would be ready with strategies to (1) stop his bullying friends if he felt strong enough (he didn't), (2) ask a teacher for help, (3) what to do if he felt threatened, etc. he really enjoyed the role playing and the practice. it seemed to alleviate the anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Terrific advice from PPs. I'd reiterate the need to talk directly to the teachers rather than to the other parents. It's easy for parents chatting among themselves to contribute to the situation becoming worse, as the designated "mean kid" becomes more isolated and frustrated. It's important to head that off.

[Anonymous]

I would add that my DD would become "fixated" with the "mean kids" and I would find out that the bhvr was actually pretty mild, but my DD was latching on to it as something to talk about. Always talk to teachers/staff, but I agree that there are developmental issues here too, and not JUST for the "mean kid". It is a good time to start seriously working on problem solving with your child. I also started to develop a thicker skin. Your kid is going to hear mean language, curses, potty talk, you name it. You cannot avoid it..not saying it is right, it is just the way it is. I just listened for anything serious...it was all kind of kid gossip.

[Anonymous]

You have received some great advice here. I especially appreciate the "mom of the mean kid" sharing her story and her advice. I want to add that there is no time better than now to begin to teach your child to take up and speak for herself..and to teach your child empathy for others...this kid is obviously struggling.

It is very important to watch your conversations with others about this situation in front of your daughter. Little ears are always listening. Good Luck!