Alcoholic father-- go to him or not?

[Anonymous]

My father is an alcoholic. He's gone through periods (spanning years) where he's happy, healthy, and productive. Sometimes, like now, he drinks way too much-- probably partially as a result of depression.

This has been a particularly rough year. He lives in another state and I traveled there the last time he relapsed. I was supportive and encouraging and was so happy when he started seeing a therapist, got on meds, and stopped drinking.

I thought things were in a better place. We actually just went on vacation with him and he seemed okay. Well, my stepmother called to tell me that he's been drinking heavily again and is writing hateful emails to his boss, etc and is basically destroying his life after he was given a second chance by his boss and family just a few months ago. She wants me to come to him right away.

I have two young children and school starts Monday. I'm going through things of my own-- trying to heal my anxiety and blue periods. Trying to give my children a childhood unlike the one I had. Going to him when he's like this takes a lot out of me. It puts me in a state where I don't feel like I'm the best I can be to myself, my husband, or my children.

Is it very wrong and selfish to tell my stepmother that I'm not coming? I've read a (very) little bit about loving detachment. Or should I go and support him and do what my stepmother asks of me?

Looking for advice from those who've btdt-- on either end of the issue.

[Anonymous]

I would not go. Let him deal with his own issues that he is creating. Tough love

[Anonymous]

It's not selfish not to go. You have to tend to yourself and kids first.

Let your step mother know that you're not able to go at this particular time. If you think you can go at a specific time in the near future, let her know this.

Does your father have a sponsor? As difficult as this is, he has to be the one to go to AA meetings or take his anti-depressants.

[Anonymous]

Do not go.

Offer a refuge to your step mom so she can leave.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're in a tough place. Only you can decide what is best for you and your children. If you go, you're not giving your kids your childhood at all. You're helping out your father. The framing is important. If you stay here, what kind of support can you and your SM think of so she can manage?

Alcoholics often get worse and their bottoming out point is lower than you can probably imagine. You will likely need to think long term and determine what you will and will not do in the future.

Have you thought about Al-Anon?

[Anonymous]

BTDT. You, husband and kids come first. Your ability to help your Dad (or any other alcoholic) is very, very limited. Al-Anon is helpful; I'd recommend it for both you and SM.