Consequences for lying

[Anonymous]

I just found out my child lied about something small. He said he did something that I requested, but didn't really do it. This has happened a couple of times and I'm really want to help make sure it doesn't continue to happen. I don't want to make a huge deal about it, but still want to give a strong consequence to help get the message across that it's still worse to lie than to admit the truth and suffer a consequence from doing something that you know someone will be upset about. Thanks for any advice.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to add that my son is 8.

[Anonymous]

What would the consequence have been for not doing what you asked him to do? I'd take that consequence and double it. The most important thing, though, is to talk to him about how this makes you trust him less, and what the direct effects of that will be. (You'll have to check up on him next time, and he'll need to earn back your trust over time.)

[Anonymous]

I have started asking my 10 year old what she is going to do to "make things right." Kids are harsher on each other (so themselves, too) than adults are.

"Jake, you told me you had emptied the kitchen garbage last night. We both know you didn't. What are you going to do about not having emptied the trash, and getting me to be able to trust you when you say you'll do something?"

[Anonymous]

I agree with the trash example. Frequently my 8 year old says he did something, and he didn't.

But, I think he thinks he did, because he remembers me telling him to do it. Taking out the trash is a perfect example. We can see that he didn't, but if you ask him, he'll say that he did (obviously not standing next to full trash can!). Other times I can see straight through his "oh, um, yeah..." and call him on it and tell him to get to it right away.

[Anonymous]

Did he outright lie? Or was it just that he did the job really poorly?

I have had conversations with my son about not doing a half-assed job. And if he's been doing a half assed job, the consequence is I don't trust him to do his job thoroughly, so I am going to have to go inspect it, which will take up more of his time, plus it makes me cranky.

Everyone will be happier if he just does the job right the first time, to the best of his abilities, and he can be proud of himself for being a useful contributor to the family.

[Anonymous]

I never gave consequences for lying. When I knew or strongly suspected a lie, I forced them to tell me the truth by confronting them and waiting for them to admit the truth. I then told them I expect the truth. Occasionally, I would give the "trust" lecture - if you dont tell me the truth, I cant trust you and if I cant trust you, you dont get privileges. Punishment, if any, was the same. This was highly successful for me.

[Anonymous]

I'm having similar issues with my 8 year old.

He frequently lies about brushing his teeth. This morning he lied about breaking one of his toys. The other week his coach approached me, in front of him, and said my son told him something to the effect of we didn't have time to scrimmage because of the stupid drills you had us doing. My sons eyes welled up and he blatantly said "i didn't say that". He flat out lied in front of the coach.

[Anonymous]

to the immediate PP

Just to play devil's advocate, (or in this case, your son's advocate)

Remember, it's possible that your son is not lying, but that possibly the coach misunderstood what he said, or (less likely, but still entirely possible) the coach is lying.

It's important to teach your child that he can always count on you. If he has real issues with the coach, I'd find another. It may be a red flag.

[Anonymous]

My 8 year old I find now lives in a bit of a 'fantasy' world and often he talks as though his actions in that world are true. So if in his head he did something, he tells us about it. I think he believes it himself. For example he plays soccer and isn't a superstar by any stretch. If I don't go to the game he will come home and tell me about these amazing plays he did and goals he scored - none of which is true but I think while on the field he imagines himself being Ronaldo and then makes that his reality!