Ack! Older grandma with messed up relationship with money!
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| I have a very frugal mother, born into the Great Depression, who is riddled with anxiety about money. I know this is a common theme with adults of that generation, even if their particular families escaped the worst of it. But it drives me NUTS when she's with my kids! While I'm glad she doesn't overindulge them, and has certainly taught them many creative uses for things like styrofoam meat trays andvkd wine bottle corks (no kidding!), her behavior crosses into the neurotic every time we venture into any kind of restaurant or store. She tries to get over herself by taking a deep breath and, for example, offering to buy everyone ice cream cones ...at McDonald's. now no offense to McDonald's lovers out there, but its not a restaurant I normally take my children, for health reasons alone. By some miracle, it is not a place that appeals to them. But, wanting to be gracious about her offer, we thanked her and agreed to go. When we arrived, my kids all said they would prefer a fruit smoothly. Uh oh. Those are not on the dollar menu! I could see grandma wringing her hands, obviously caught between her past and present - it caused her much stress. I jumped in at this point and ordered one smoothie and three cups. We completed the transaction and drove off with my kids being mad at me as I lectured them about an attitude of gratitude. It was very uncomfortable all arou d. They did however thank their grandma, albeit unenthusiasticaly. And then there was me, driving off into the sunset (drinking my water, straw squeezing) wondering how it is that EVERY time we go out with her this kind of thing happens! I have talked with my kids about it, and they understand what people went through in those days (thank you Kit Kitterage!), but they're still just kids and get confused about the tense atmosphere. I do offer to pay always, but accept her offers sometimes because she really is trying. But it always new up so messed up!! Anyone else?. |
Anonymous
| "Ends up" - oops! |
Anonymous
|
I assume she actually has money?
In any case, unless she sees it as a problem and decides she wants to do behavioral therapy, this isn't going to change. It is unlikely that this will happen. Love your mom for who she is, and try not to push situations where this kind of behavior happens. When your kids are old enough teach them about the Depression and how it affected the shaping of some people. Your mom sounds a bit more anxious than many, so you could also teach them about mental illness and anxiety, but if they're blabber mouths, don't do it. So don't toto restaurants, get take-in and get it yourself. Pre-buy tickets to things, etc. But given your moyher's history, also tell the, to either shut up and accept the ice cream or decline before they leave the noise because they're "not hungry". |
Anonymous
| Toto=go to |
Anonymous
|
Grandma offered to buy your kids ice cream cones and your kids pulled a switcheroo on her and asked for fruit smoothies, instead.
If my kids had done that (and they might have) I would have been embarrassed and later explained to them that it was poor manners to ask for something that they were not offered. If they didn't want the ice cream that Grandma had offered to them they should have said "No thanks" - before they got to McDonald's. |
Anonymous
I think you handled it well by dividing the one smoothie into smaller cups, btw. Good thinking. |
Anonymous
|
You will never change your mother. Accept that. Look forward to the inheritance you'll receive when she's gone if you have to.
Where I grew up, I frequently heard "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit." Pretty true, and definitely a lesson for children. Grandma offered ice cream cones, not smoothies. They don't want ice cream cones? That's fine. It doesn't mean they get something else. |
Anonymous
|
I would have been upset at my kids for being rude. If grandma offers to get them ice cream they are welcome to say yes or no but not order something else. I do this as a parent too - often I tell them they can only order one item off the value menu. I have said no to smoothies many times.
It is rude to make demands on someone that has offered you a treat. I would have apologized to my mom and told the kid sit was ice cream or nothing - their choice. your mother isn't required to spend to buy to the kids whatever their hearts desire. She offered to get them an ice cream and that is all that should be expected that should be paid for. |
Anonymous
| Well, as their parent, you have a right to decide that your children do not eat at McDonalds (I'd tell my own parents the same, FWIW). Next time grandma comes over, tell her that you do not take your kids there, that's one of your rules, but if she'd like to get them ice cream, you'll be happy to find a coupon for Baskin Robbins or get a pint on sale at the local supermarket for all to share. Chances are that it's not that she likes McDonalds but the idea of a "dollar menu" appeals to her Great Depression mentality (terrific phrasing on McD's part there). Again, have a coupon ready or the Harris Teeter circular showing her what's two for one. |
Anonymous
|
I too think you were in the wrong OP. It is okay for your kids to learn that they can't get everything they want all the time, especially when it is 2-3 times the price of what was going to treat them with.
If they went to the store and she said they could spend $20 on a toy - and your kids picked something in the $50-6- range would you immediately swoop in and buy it for them and call her cheap? You agreed to ice cream at McDonalds. there shouldn't be an expectation that grandma will spend her money on your kids to get them anything they want. It is her money to decide how to use it, cheap or not. |
Anonymous
|
Are the fruit smoothies at McDonalds really any healthier than an ice cream cone? It's mostly just sugar.
It sounds like you are the issue more than your mother is - perhaps trying to overcompensate with your kids for having been brought up by a frugal mom. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
|
I think your mother probably frets that you are not teaching your kids the value of money.
I get it, I do - my parents are both very frugal and grew up poor. I hated being so frugal, but I appreciate frugality. WHen I see them there are times I'll say why do'nt we go out tonight and they'll say, but we have plenty of food here. And they're right, they do, and we save money. So there are times I like being reminded to be more frugal and not fritter money away on wants, not needs. And in this specific example, I also agree with most of the other posters. Grandma offered ice cream. McDonald's ice cream isn't all that bad, and probably less sugar than their smoothies. I think this was a teachable moment for you - to point out the cost difference, mention the health difference perhaps, and say it's ice cream or nothing. I don't think, as a general rule, we do our kids a service if we always give them what they want when they want to upsize. Learning a little bit of restraint is a good thing. |
Anonymous
| Seems like for grandma taking the kids to McD's is more about getting satisfaction out of the idea that she's saving money than actually getting the kids something they'd really like. She has OCD and anxiety issues and saving a couple dollars gives her the same sense of relief someone addicted to smoking gets from going on a cigarette break. One of my relatives did this all the time. He'd go to dollar stores, come home with cheap (probably expired) candy bars and think he was so wonderful for finding a "deal." Problem is no one wanted the candy, and it's not a crime that no one wanted it, either. |
Anonymous
|
Most grandmas are on a fixed budget.
Unless she is uber wealthy, I think you should be grateful for this attitude. Would you prefer she wasted money and you had to support her? |