DD's friends and bad language!

[Anonymous]

I don't know what to do about DD's friends. Long story short, DD is 12 and has always had a difficult time with friends. An incident with a friend who bullied her in 5th grade ended up costing her all of her friends. They all felt they needed to choose a side. Even though they all knew the other child was at fault, they chose her because "she's just so fun." Wow.

So anyway, dd entered middle school last year with basically no friends, and was determined to make some new ones. She is quite shy so this is very difficult for her. It took her most of the school year, but finally befriended a few girls. For the first time in her life, she feels she has a best friend. But the problem with this new best friend and another really good friend is their horrible language. I do snoop through DD's instagram and kik accounts and she knows that I do. I mostly just see your basic cuss words. I know I can't shield her from those words anymore, so I didn't think it should cost her these friendships. But yesterday I saw that the best friend posted a "69" comment on instagram, and that really concerned me. That took it to a whole new level, and now I don't know what to do. What's worse? Making DD give up these friends and becoming friendless again, or letting her be exposed to words that she will eventually hear anyway?

DD is starting a couple of new activities this school year where she will meet lots of new kids. Should i just ride it out and see if she makes some new and better friends through these activities?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know what to do about DD's friends. Long story short, DD is 12 and has always had a difficult time with friends. An incident with a friend who bullied her in 5th grade ended up costing her all of her friends. They all felt they needed to choose a side. Even though they all knew the other child was at fault, they chose her because "she's just so fun." Wow.

So anyway, dd entered middle school last year with basically no friends, and was determined to make some new ones. She is quite shy so this is very difficult for her. It took her most of the school year, but finally befriended a few girls. For the first time in her life, she feels she has a best friend. But the problem with this new best friend and another really good friend is their horrible language. I do snoop through DD's instagram and kik accounts and she knows that I do. I mostly just see your basic cuss words. I know I can't shield her from those words anymore, so I didn't think it should cost her these friendships. But yesterday I saw that the best friend posted a "69" comment on instagram, and that really concerned me. That took it to a whole new level, and now I don't know what to do. What's worse? Making DD give up these friends and becoming friendless again, or letting her be exposed to words that she will eventually hear anyway?

DD is starting a couple of new activities this school year where she will meet lots of new kids. Should i just ride it out and see if she makes some new and better friends through these activities?

This is a perfect example of why parents should not be snooping in their kids accounts. You see things that make you uncomfortable. Every 12 year-old I knew back in the day cussed and made 69 jokes. If you think about it, 69 comments are pretty stupid and juvenile and therefore perfect for 12 year-olds. If you think this is your DD's first exposure to this stuff, you are dreaming. My guess is that you are over-vigilant with her because she had such a tough time. I think any parent would be. But you need to back off. Your daughter had good friends, thats fantastic. The fact that you would be willing to cut off those friends simply because of 69 jokes, in private, is just nuts. If thats the criteria, she'll have no friends.

Of course, its different if the girls are saying these things out loud in your presence. Then you tell them not to (but don't cut off the friendships). But you need to back off and give your DD a zone of privacy.

[Anonymous]

I mean she has good friends.

[Anonymous]

I disagree with PP's opinion that you shouldn't snoop. I look at my kids' accounts and they are aware that I do. I do not consider this snooping and don't label it as such. In fact, I usually have them sit with me while I look.

As far as the language, the stance I take is this. I don't like it and I wish my kids didn't engage in the use of bad language. They know my feelings on it. However, I also know that they are going to hear and use whatever language they are going to use when not in my presence. So, my rule is that my kids cannot be disrespectful. It would be disrespectful to use certain language with adults, so don't. It would be disrespectful to use certain language where adults can hear it, so don't. And, it is disrespectful to use certain language around friends who find it disrespectful, so don't.

As far as what I see on my kids' communications with friends, well that's between friends and not meant for me. The only reason I know about it is because I check, not because they are using the language around me. So, I give this a pass.

So far, my kids have been very respectful of my feelings on this and have followed my requests. I often hear them tell kids to be quiet because I might hear them using inappropriate or offensive language.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with PP's opinion that you shouldn't snoop. I look at my kids' accounts and they are aware that I do. I do not consider this snooping and don't label it as such. In fact, I usually have them sit with me while I look.

As far as the language, the stance I take is this. I don't like it and I wish my kids didn't engage in the use of bad language. They know my feelings on it. However, I also know that they are going to hear and use whatever language they are going to use when not in my presence. So, my rule is that my kids cannot be disrespectful. It would be disrespectful to use certain language with adults, so don't. It would be disrespectful to use certain language where adults can hear it, so don't. And, it is disrespectful to use certain language around friends who find it disrespectful, so don't.

As far as what I see on my kids' communications with friends, well that's between friends and not meant for me. The only reason I know about it is because I check, not because they are using the language around me. So, I give this a pass.

So far, my kids have been very respectful of my feelings on this and have followed my requests. I often hear them tell kids to be quiet because I might hear them using inappropriate or offensive language.

This is my rule for my teen son as well. I'd rather he not swear, but at the minimum, he does not use that language around his mother.

[Anonymous]

I pretty much agree with everyone else. I do check my 13 year olds stuff but he knows I'm checking. I see all kinds of bad and crude language and jokes all over his instagram (he doesn't have facebook or twitter) so I know it goes on. And I'm OK with that, I don't like it but I'm okay with it because it's what middle schoolers do. And I agree with the pp about being disrespectful about it, that is a line my son has not crossed and if he did that's when it would turn into a problem. Until then I dont let the stuff I see on his instagram bother me.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I have to admit that I'm relieved by your responses. I love that she has these friends, but just wasn't sure if it would make me a bad mom to turn the other cheek.

As for snooping through her instagram - I will continue to do that. I don't hide this from her. I made it clear upfront that if she wants an account, I will be monitoring it very closely. i just feel that social media is pretty scary. Everything they post can be out there forever, even if they delete it 30 seconds later. I've demonstrated this to her - I saw that she posted something I knew she would regret immediately. I took a snapshot of it with my iphone. As I predicted, she deleted her comment right away and thought it was gone forever. So I showed her that I still had it and could easily post it or text it to anyone. I think it's so important to teach these kids that whenever they post something, it is like a bullet leaving a gun, and there is nothing you can do to take it back. So, this is why I watch her account. I don't read her diary or listen to conversations with her friends. Although I would if I suspected something very troubling.

[Anonymous]

I just wish I could prevent teens from actually seeing "69" on the internet. But, I can't. It's impossible.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're doing a good job. Don't second guess yourself too much and you can never snoop enough.

You are the mother, you can be her friend when she grows up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're doing a good job. Don't second guess yourself too much and you can never snoop enough.

You are the mother, you can be her friend when she grows up.

The part about being a friend is kind of weird because no one suggested that.

I don't think OP is necessarily wrong to check the accounts, especially because she does respect her DD's diary and gives her a zone of privacy. But I do think if she's going to do this she has to tolerate a level of discomfort over what she reads and not react. Also, I have older teens and I do think you have to shift away from reading their communications, unless there is a strong reason. Ultimately, kids are more savvy with this stuff than you are and they will find ways to hide what they want to hide. Raising children to be independent and confident is a slow process of pushing your comfort zone as a parent.

[Anonymous]

11:04 here. OP, if you haven't done it, you might want to consider setting up some system to monitor photos as well. I find occasional inappropriate ones that are mistakes - they are trying to take a photo of something and catch something that you wouldn't want to see in the background. I use icloud and it's been a real learning tool with my kids about how careful you have to be.

Also, I agree with 8:17 that you have to shift away, but at first, when you have a kid who is socially awkward or who has difficulty with friends, there are so many things that they need to learn about online communicating and so many pitfalls that, as OP has noticed, are permanent that I do feel strongly that it's important to monitor. I also don't read diaries, but ironically, my kids like to show me them occasionally.

[Anonymous]

NP here. What is "69"? Is this a sexual thing? I'm confused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have to admit that I'm relieved by your responses. I love that she has these friends, but just wasn't sure if it would make me a bad mom to turn the other cheek.

As for snooping through her instagram - I will continue to do that. I don't hide this from her. I made it clear upfront that if she wants an account, I will be monitoring it very closely. i just feel that social media is pretty scary. Everything they post can be out there forever, even if they delete it 30 seconds later. I've demonstrated this to her - I saw that she posted something I knew she would regret immediately. I took a snapshot of it with my iphone. As I predicted, she deleted her comment right away and thought it was gone forever. So I showed her that I still had it and could easily post it or text it to anyone. I think it's so important to teach these kids that whenever they post something, it is like a bullet leaving a gun, and there is nothing you can do to take it back. So, this is why I watch her account. I don't read her diary or listen to conversations with her friends. Although I would if I suspected something very troubling.

This is a smart move!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have to admit that I'm relieved by your responses. I love that she has these friends, but just wasn't sure if it would make me a bad mom to turn the other cheek.

As for snooping through her instagram - I will continue to do that. I don't hide this from her. I made it clear upfront that if she wants an account, I will be monitoring it very closely. i just feel that social media is pretty scary. Everything they post can be out there forever, even if they delete it 30 seconds later. I've demonstrated this to her - I saw that she posted something I knew she would regret immediately. I took a snapshot of it with my iphone. As I predicted, she deleted her comment right away and thought it was gone forever. So I showed her that I still had it and could easily post it or text it to anyone. I think it's so important to teach these kids that whenever they post something, it is like a bullet leaving a gun, and there is nothing you can do to take it back. So, this is why I watch her account. I don't read her diary or listen to conversations with her friends. Although I would if I suspected something very troubling.

This is a smart move!

I have taken emails from my daughter, altered them and sent them to another household account just so I could show her how easy it is for someone to twist your words, resend your comments, etc. without your knowledge. I just want her to be smart online. I also view my younger child's Instagram. When I see something I merely comment that some kids should be smarter about what she posts because it can be seen as trashy. All of my kids know I expect them to present themselves well. So far I've never seen or heard anything raunchy from them but I know they see and hear it. I don't want them to be prudes but I expect them to have decent behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. What is "69"? Is this a sexual thing? I'm confused.

Picture a man and a woman giving each other oral sex at the same time.

Your welcome.