Change in Relationship with MIL after Baby

[Anonymous]

I had what I thought was a great relationship with my mother in law when I first got married - we would go shopping, meet for lunch, I helped her decorate her home, we talked about gardening, etc. They never used to travel beyond going to the beach and I planned a few trips around the country that my in laws enjoyed. After having a baby, I feel like things have changed. For one - she watches my daughter once a week (which I truly appreciate) and I now only see her once every few months. I feel like she is satisfied getting to see her son (who does the drop offs and pick ups) and grand daughter, and never tries to see us all together or me alone. I feel left out and not really part of the family. She also never calls to see how things are going and sends messages about family news or events through my husband. She used to send over food for us on a regular basis or buy something she thought I'd like for the house and this doesn't happen anymore either. (I'm not dependent on these things, but it was really sweet) She buys stuff for my daughter, but doesn't ask what she needs so they are often very random items that I may already have, etc.

I've reached out to her a few times and she says that nothing is wrong. She is a pretty passive person while I am direct. I don't want to keep on pushing her, but I also miss the relationship (which I've expressed) and getting together as a family. Instead, now I am resentful and don't go out of my way anymore to invite my in laws over or request to meet up.

Any advice?

[Anonymous]

Hmmm... Very interesting and very odd.

Is it possible that she's so in love with the baby that nothing else matters? Is your DH also getting more ignored than previously? She sounds like one of those new moms who has no time for anyone else anymore.

Or is she getting too much family time - is she overwhelmed or annoyed by watching the baby once per week and is a little burned out by it and wants no other "family-time." Does she see watching the baby as a huge loving favor to you and can't do anymore beyond that.

[Anonymous]

OP I think you just need to tell her you'd like to spend some time with her. From her POV she is an integral part of your family, and, as she's taking care of your kid once a week, is more tired/feels like she is doing more overall than she was previously.

Just ask her out to lunch - don't wait for her to initiate. I am sure she has no idea you feel this way and isn't doing it on purpose.

[Anonymous]

I think it's certainly ok to back off in terms of what you do for the ILs in response to their backing off in their relationship with you. I'd imagine it stings a bit to find out that the friendship you thought you had isn't what you thought it was--or is just superseded by the arrival of a grandchild.

I wonder how much of it is situational and may change as your child ages and it makes more sense to have family get-togethers. The set-up with seeing your DD works for now, but that is not how things will be forever.

With the gifts, use what you can and pass on to friends what you can't. That's not worth getting into unless it is too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm... Very interesting and very odd.

Is it possible that she's so in love with the baby that nothing else matters? Is your DH also getting more ignored than previously? She sounds like one of those new moms who has no time for anyone else anymore.

Or is she getting too much family time - is she overwhelmed or annoyed by watching the baby once per week and is a little burned out by it and wants no other "family-time." Does she see watching the baby as a huge loving favor to you and can't do anymore beyond that.

She's been doing less for my husband too, but she sees him each week due to the drop offs/pick ups. I don't think the is annoyed about watching the baby as she gets really disappointed when we tell her that we're going to be out of town or for if we're home from work for some reason and don't send the baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's certainly ok to back off in terms of what you do for the ILs in response to their backing off in their relationship with you. I'd imagine it stings a bit to find out that the friendship you thought you had isn't what you thought it was--or is just superseded by the arrival of a grandchild.

I wonder how much of it is situational and may change as your child ages and it makes more sense to have family get-togethers. The set-up with seeing your DD works for now, but that is not how things will be forever.

With the gifts, use what you can and pass on to friends what you can't. That's not worth getting into unless it is too much.

Right, I wonder what she is going to do when I start sending baby to school. The thing is, you can't ignore me for 2 years and then expect me to start spending my weekends with you because you no longer see grand daughter during the week. (See, I'm resentful. Which I hate, but I can't help it).

[Anonymous]

Invite her out with you?

[Anonymous]

My MIL is like this. She's easily intimidated by me, because according to her, she doesn't remember what it's like to have a baby. When my son came along, she wanted to give him tea (he was 4 days old) despite our pediatrician saying ONLY formula or breastmilk! I looked HORRIFIED at the suggestion, and after that she kept all her advice to herself. I wouldn't have minded it if she had given me other advice, but she is a little wacky (very, very nice) and like I said, doesn't have much self-esteem.

I think your MIL just feels scared she's going to say or do something dumb in front of you. The way I dealt with my MIL is by pointing out how much my son loves her, and how much I love her too. I think that helped a lot.

[Anonymous]

what does she say if you ask her to lunch or invite her to go shopping with you?

[Anonymous]

Maybe your MIL has personal reasons. Like, something not going smoothly in her personal life. Health issues? Or maybe she misses her grandkid so much, they don't know how to handle it. Maybe also, do you show your appreciation? Not just from your point of view, but physically and verbally show her? sometimes we think we are appreciative but we don't verbalize it.

There is such thing as over communicating with her. Like asking her too many times makes it seem like you need her to just watch your child. Maybe she actually need time away from your/child/her own son and live her life. Maybe ask her what does she do with her time? Ask about her thoughts and feelings, not just to meet. Sometimes I feel my parents are only spending time with me because I think they want to and they feel obligated to do so. They are actually ok to be away from me and my son.

But, include her in every important occasion.

[Anonymous]

I think it is very natural...your own married children and their spouses become secondary once the grandkids come along...

Every grandparent I have met are in raptures about the joy of having grandkids. They feel that they can enjoy them and spoil them without the stress of being their grandparents...

Your MIL may actually think that she is being very considerate to you after you had a baby, because most new moms rather have time to themselves once they have kids.

I would suggest stop being sensitive...and take her out for lunch.

She is also giving space to her own son, so its not you.

[Anonymous]

* correction

Every grandparent I have met are in raptures about the joy of having grandkids. They feel that they can enjoy them and spoil them without the stress of being their <b>parents</b>...

[Anonymous]

Maybe she has that old school approach, after all, the grand kid is related to her via bloodline, you are related to here via marriage.

[Anonymous]

This happened with my MIL too!

[Anonymous]

Did she always want a daughter? Is she on some level "playing house" and on some level wishing you of the picture. Perhaps I'm being too Freudian though...