Help me out DMC

[Anonymous]

This post my get a little lengthy, but I feel like I need to give thorough background information, in order for you to fully understand my scenario.

I am one of seven, raised by ultra religious parents. My father was a preacher for The Church of Christ for most of my childhood, then broke off into his own even more fundamentalist section when I was a teen. My mother never worked outside the home, as my father thought that was a great sin. We were home-schooled and by the time I was 14 my father had a church that had become very cult like. We all lived within the same stretch of land, and every single one of us attended my father's sermons for four hours every single day, except Sunday in which we attended his 8 hour sermon. Imagine every day of your life hearing hours and hours of speech I can only compare to Jonathan Edwards. It's so hard for me to remember myself then, I don't think I completely existed. How can you in such a restrictive environment? This is not an ant-religious post, I have friends of various religions and find them to be overall nice, caring, and tolerant people. My father was not. I was one of 5 girls, my two brothers were told they were superior and they definitely let us know. We were not to leave the house without a man, we were not to leave our rooms when menstruating, we were to live as servants. I knew nothing different. Fortunately, my father grew very sick and lost a majority of his money from the church and myself and my two younger sisters were sent to live with a family member when I was 17. I had never attended school, I was only literate enough to read the bible...I had the math skills of a 5-year-old. My eyes were opened during this time, and I began to go to a public school. I started to enjoy life, see that I had other options. I was 19 when I was told I had to move back to West Virginia (where my family lived) and I refused to go. I guess I had enough spark in me to see that the life I knew before was not a life. When I refused to go back I had received much backlash. I was called a "whore" and a "slut" by my older brothers. My father told me I was going to get raped, and when they bought my body back to be buried he'd throw it out with the other animals carcasses. It. Was. Bad. I had pretty much figured out I was better off without them, it was hard...believe it or not because I did love my family. Being rejected by family members, no matter how insane they may be, is horrible. I had no contact with any family members besides the ones I lived with for a few years until I was married and in my late 30's. My oldest was 2, and I got a phone call from my older sister. I was so happy, I didn't realize how much I missed her voice! Over the past few years slowly I have reunited with all my family members except for one brother. Last year was the first time I saw my dad is almost 30 years. We had written letters, he has said he "forgave me for forsaking the family" and "prayed for me every night and day". I could tell he had turned a new leaf, and although we still definitely live two very different lives...I AM glad that he is somewhat apart of mine now.

Ok, if you made it past my life story congratulations! Here is me problem. My children start back to school in a few weeks, my mother wants us to come down and visit for a week. My children have never seen nor spoken to my mother or father. Two of my sisters have visited, that's it. I'm really torn. On one hand, my parents are old. They won't live much longer, I don't know if I could forgive myself if they died and I denied them to see their grandchildren. However, there is a lot of issues I have with how I was raised, and who my mother and (especially) father are... I don't like it, nor do I really want my children exposed to it. My husband isn't pleased with the idea, he's heard my horror stories. He is supportive of any decision I make, I just can't make one. I already decided we are DEFINITELY not staying at there house (my childhood home). I have friends who have been in similar situations. A friend who was raised by racist, went and married and had children with a black man and was told never to speak to her family again. A friend who came out at 17, was kicked out of the house and threatened to be murdered if she ever returned. Yet both of them, as do I, still love their family. It has been eating me for the past couple of weeks, I just need some outside advice.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't visit unless husband came with me. And I think I would go to a nearby hotel and have them come there. I don't think i would take the kids to a house where I am the outsider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't visit unless husband came with me. And I think I would go to a nearby hotel and have them come there. I don't think i would take the kids to a house where I am the outsider.

I agree with this advice.
Or I would suggest meeting somewhere in the middle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't visit unless husband came with me. And I think I would go to a nearby hotel and have them come there. I don't think i would take the kids to a house where I am the outsider.

I agree with this advice.
Or I would suggest meeting somewhere in the middle.

Two excellent options of going there and staying in a hotel, or meeting in a neutral location in the middle. Either would be good but I would push for the latter because that way you are nowhere near their turf and they aren't near yours.

Also, a week sounds like far, far too long for an initial visit like this, especially if your children are with you and seeing grandma and grandpa for the first time ever. These adults are total strangers to them. I would see them for one day, plan to stay the night (in a hotel, not in anyone's home, sibling or parent) and then SEE if you want additional visiting time the next day. Be sure to have some form of activity planned that involves the children in DOING something somewhere (which is easier if you're meeting at some neutral third location--you do not want the kids sitting around grandma and grandpa's living room, with you terrified that either the kids will touch something and be yelled at, or that the kids will be bored and get restless).

If grandma and grandpa refuse to leave the house to meet you somewhere -- unless one of them is sick or infirm and literally cannot leave -- I would not see them.

[Anonymous]

I would welcome them to my home but never would I step foot in their home nor would my children.

When you make the rules, it's on your terms.

I think deep down you know this but you are letting your heart rule your head.

Your parents have not changed. They will scare your kids.

[Anonymous]

I agree with 13:17. A week is far, far too long for a visit. If you were someplace in WV where you could do other things every day and have just a couple of short visits with your parents, okay, but not each and every day all day.

Congratulations on making it out and thriving. I was in a similar situation and not a day goes by that I'm not grateful for the life I was able to build. Hugs!

[Anonymous]

PP again - and if you DO go, you MUST report back how it went!

[Anonymous]

Agree with the PPs. Not on their turf, or yours. A day trip somewhere in the middle WITH your DH. Have you attended counseling for yourself? You will need extra support- plus you need to prepare yourself for how you will feel. When your children are grown, they will know the truth about their grandparents. Know that. If the meeting at any point doesn't feel right to you, be strong and prepared to leave. It has to be on your terms. They are lucky you would even consider it.