Elderly Mother Still Driving - Seeking Advice for Staging Intervention

[Anonymous]

I love my 76-year-old mother, but she is a terrible driver. Always has been. But now after a minor stroke and suspected (by me and no one else in my family) dementia, she's extremely unsafe. She's been in numerous accidents but miraculously hasn't hurt anyone yet. I've begged her to stop driving. I've begged my father to intervene. I've tried to involve my siblings and they dismiss my concerns. I've researched elder transportation options and shared info with both parents. I've hidden her keys.

Finally I may have some support. My mother took my 12-year-old nephew in the car to run an errand without his mom's permission. Apparently it was such a chilling experience, my SIL agrees we need to confront her. This week my family will be together at the beach and I feel some kind of intervention is in order. But I need advice on how to gently but firmly get the message across.

My role in the family is to be the gadfly and I understand this can get tiring for others at times. But she is endangering her own safety and others. Please advise, and please be kind. Anyone who has confronted a elderly parent losing her independence knows how sensitive this is.

[Anonymous]

You have my sympathy, OP. My mom still drives and I make it a point to ride with her every few weeks to check on things. So far she is pretty good, but a few years ago she had a spell of bad driving and causing a very serious accident. We talked about it then, but she was extremely upset at the notion of losing this independence.

Like I said, she has been doing fine for a while and is maybe being more careful. Not sure why she was so bad a few years ago.

She has had progressive memory loss and is aware of that. Now we are going to have to talk about what needs to be done should she go far enough into dementia that I need to take over things for her. Aging parents, it's a very difficult situation, but we're all going to go through it at some point.

I would look to the DMV and see what they say about elderly drivers. When is her license due for renewal? Maybe it could be denied? Get a doctor's note, so you won't be the bad guy?

[Anonymous]

My only thought is please don't do it on a family vacation. What a way to ruin what is supposed to be a happy and relaxing time. I think you should definitely intervene but please don't do it to her like that.

[Anonymous]

I agree that vacation is not the time or place to do this. The article below may have just what you're looking for OP. it contains another link to a tutorial on how to have this conversation. Good luck to. I imagine having it in the next few years.


http://newoldage.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/07/03/the-car-key-conversation/?_r=0

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My only thought is please don't do it on a family vacation. What a way to ruin what is supposed to be a happy and relaxing time. I think you should definitely intervene but please don't do it to her like that.

+1. This is very hard for her. Pick another time.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the advice and thanks for the article. I will discuss it with my siblings, since we're spread apart across the country and not together much. But we'll save the intervention for later and just focus on enjoying our time together at the beach. I'm glad I asked for advice. I'm so wound up about this I needed some perspective.

[Anonymous]

You could also get some support through your mother's physician.

I realize there are privacy laws, but I know from personal experience, you can share concerns with your mom's physician. Contact the office to get a point of contact, especially if you are not local and carefully detail your concerns.

The doctor can bring up these issues or ask directed, probing questions of your mother at her next appointment that could relate to your concerns. (We had concerns about a relative's chronic alcoholism that we rightly suspected was not disclosed to the physician. This was a nightmare situation involving an elderly family member, prescription medication, alcoholism and yes, driving under the influence while also in mental decline.


In two separate instances in my family, it was a family physician who declared the senior citizen unfit to drive and this information was forwarded to DMV.

[Anonymous]

The dr. pulled my grandmother's license after a recent, minor stroke. He even contacted the state DMV and she had to send in her DL.have you gotten her physician involved?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The dr. pulled my grandmother's license after a recent, minor stroke. He even contacted the state DMV and she had to send in her DL.have you gotten her physician involved?

This is the way to go.

[Anonymous]

You write a letter to the DMV telling them what you see and they take care of it. They will test her, she fails, then no license.

[Anonymous]

I went through this and unfortunately, the doctors did not want to be the bad guy either and would not do anything. Good luck with speaking to your mom, I think that is the way to go and would emphasize that she needs to think about others. If she is not receptive and you cannot get doctors on board then I would contact the DMV yourself. It is a public safety issue. You can do this anonymously in Maryland (although most likely she will put 2 + 2 together and know it was you). It will trigger a driving test and PP said. That is the way I had to go.

[Anonymous]

What about an AARP driving course? If she passes then maybe not as bad as you think. If she doesn't, it supports your position and may Help her see it isn't you against her here.

[Anonymous]

If your father doesn't agree, you may need to contact her doctor directly. I'd consider that you and your sister BOTH contact the doctor's office with concerns--and possibly the DMV as well.

In the mean time, I think you might have to bring it up over the beach weekend. The grandchildren need to know that they are not allowed in the car if Grandma is driving, and they need to see that none of the adults will ride with Grandma either.

You might have to actually say something at the beginning of the trip like, "Mom, we're not comfortable riding in a car with you driving. None of us, including the grandchildren, will be doing so. We recognize that you're an adult, and we hope you'll make the choice to stop driving before someone else has to make it for you." And then drop it (for now). If your mom fusses and fumes or cries, simply tell her that the decision is final. Your actions will speak loudly--and you can't at the moment control whether she drives, but you can control your presence in the car with her.