How to best say goodbye to 15 month old?

[Anonymous]

My daughter is almost 15 months and so far has been pretty good with goodbyes, separation, etc. Much better than her little friends - and I have attributed that to the fact that I have worked PT since she was about 5 months, so she was used to leaving me. In the past two weeks, though, things have gotten really bad. She absolutely FLIPS OUT if I leave her- even if I leave the side of the room she is on, etc. I took her to the gym day care for the first time and she screamed and was basically convulsing on the floor for a half hour in hysterics until they paged me. (I did not realize this was happening or I would not have let it go for a half hour).

What can I do to make this a little better? I can stop trying to push it with things like gym day care, but I do have to leave to go to work and I would also like to continue to leave her with her live-in nanny a couple nights each week (usually 2) so I can get some alone time as my DH travels for work most nights. This is just for an hour or two before bed when I leave her at night- and I only work two mornings per week so that is not excessive either.

I have noticed that the experts say that I need to make sure to say goodbye to her, or that she will stop trusting me, but saying goodbye makes things soooo much worse in the short term. I will continue to do that though if it is best for the long term.

Anything else I should or should not be doing?

[Anonymous]

This age is the height of stranger anxiety. Dont sneak out without saying goodbye but keep goodbyes short and sweet. I think you will find that the screaming will end shortly after you are out the door if she is in a familar surrounding (home, daycare). But the hour long screaming may persist if suddenty abandoned in a new place with new faces -- like the gym daycare thats new to her. Give up kn the gym daycare idea for the next year or so.

[Anonymous]

Brief healthy goodbyes. Never sneak out on her, or stick around (staying increases the anxiety). It passes.

[Anonymous]

Some of it is just the age and will get better soon. However, try to have a consistent goodbye routine. My son's toddler room teacher was big on the kids "pushing the parents out the door." The kids would literally push their parents to the door in the morning, and having that control/involvement over the process seemed to help.

[Anonymous]

Say goodbye (never sneak away) but keep it short and sweet. Stranger anxiety tends to peak around 18 months, so for the next bit, I'd skip totally unknown caregivers, but go ahead and leave her with family or regular nannies/babysitters. She'll cry, but if she's otherwise in a familiar place with someone she knows, she'll stop pretty quickly. When I drop my kid off at daycare, there is a baby who screams and cries when her parents leave--for literally 30 seconds after they walk out the door, at which point she happily returns to her breakfast.

[Anonymous]

I don't want to derail this thread but I often leave for work just as nanny is putting my son down for a nap. That's not sneaking away, is it? Should I be saying goodbye before he goes down for a nap (he's 12 months, so not sure that would even register)

[Anonymous]

Get her engaged with an activity and when she is not looking sneak out.

[Anonymous]

Stick with familiar care givers if possible. Let her know you'll be back. Know that some of this is manipulative (ie, they are legitimately sad that you're leaving, but they also are starting to figure out that it gets a reaction and might make you stay).

Above all, remember it's a normal, healthy part of development and it too, will pass. (It may come back again later though!)

[Anonymous]

Oh, also, for my daughter, it helped a little bit if the goodbye didn't come out of the blue. So, for example, I would say things like "after breakfast, Mommy will take you to school" then when we were getting her shoes/on we'd talk about how we had to get her shoes on so she could go to school. On the way there we talked (well, I talked) about who she would see at school and what they might do that day. Then of course, she'd start howling the minute we got in the room, anyway, but it still seemed like it helped a little bit that she was prepared! I'd say goodbye and tell her I'd see her that afternoon, walk out the door and hear her crying the minute I was out of sight.

[Anonymous]

That last sentence should read, "hear her STOP crying the minute I was out of sight."