i think i am shunned (subtly) by other parents because i got a divorce

[Anonymous]

greetings:

i've been experiencing a sad situation with fellow parents ever since i got divorced. i feel as though many, but not all, of fellow parents have been less likely to chat with me or less likely to invite me and ds to activities. i am referring to lots of parents whom i have known for several years through ds's preschool, playgroup and the neighborhood park. none of them happen to be divorced.

i am pretty surprised by it all. funny, even the folks who do talk me act as if nothing has changed and never EVER ask about my soon-to-be ex husband or the divorce. it's all very weird. i feel like i am some kind of time warp. sometimes i'll mention my son's dad or my son's other apartment where he lives when he his with his dad, and i feel like people go out of their way to avoid responding to what i said.

sigh. just another unfortunate side effect of divorce.

[Anonymous]

So sorry to hear you are going through this. It could be that these friends are uncomfortable with how to best approach you and your husband now that you are divorced. Especially if they were firends with both of you. Maybe they feel they have to take sides or the you or your ex will get upset if they are seen socializing with the other.

I know this is an obvious answer, and possibly difficult, but have you tried calling your friends to plan something? Maybe they are waiting for one of you to break the ice? Bringing up a divorce is very touchy and a lot of people just don't know how to respond.

If you have already reached out and are still shunned, maybe you can be direct and ask what the problem is? I know I would only be able to do this with my closest friends, but I would hope that the close ones wouldn't have shunned me in the first place!

I hope that things work out for you.

[Anonymous]

Sorry you are dealing with this. I think that sometimes people feel uncomfortable with thinking about divorce: first one, some may be realizing that it could be them or that it should be them. Some may wish it were them as they are stuck in bad marriages and don't have the guts you did to make a change. Others may just like feeling superior to you, thinking it couldn't happen to them. People tend to flock to others with same lifestyle. I am sure you will find that there are many parents out there that will also be supportive. Personally, I could care less if my son's friends parents are divorced.

[Anonymous]

We have trouble with knowing how to approach our friends who are in the process of divorcing. Would like to go out to dinner, but do we just invite one person? Would like to ask about the situation and how it's going, but afraid to seem nosy. So you might want to suggest an activity or bring it up yourself. Might not be shunning, but rather uncertainty on how to proceed.

[Anonymous]

The PPs are saying that your friends are "uncomfortable" asking you about the divorice or asking you out. I think they're right. It's the same response you hear whenever someone is going through a hard time, whether it's divorce, a death in the family, etc.

And I think it's extremely selfish. So what if you're uncomfortable? Have a little compassion for someone who is more than uncomfortable -- she's going through a terribly difficult time in her life. Get outside your comfort zone and do the right thing.

I'm sorry, OP. I typically make an effort to reach out to people in your situation. It won't be any consolation, but there will be more divorced parents as your child ages. You won't feel as isolated then.

[Anonymous]

OP is right. I felt the same way when I was divorced raising a young son. I wasn't invited to the dinner parties or BBQ's, I'm sure because I would be alone. Women friends would do things with me during the day, but the evenings and weekends were all about mixed crowds.

And there's a certain fear that divorce is somehow "catching" and/or that you are now "on the prowl" for a new man. Or that your child will be a disruptive influence on their kids, or that they will have to explain things to their kids that they'd just as soon not, so your child doesn't get invited to as much either.

My advice is to join some parent groups (parents w/o partners, for one) and a support/recovery group. You may think, yeah... I'm done with the grief and moving on? But I found that when my preschooler hit about age 5, he had all kinds of issues bubble up. They say that is the age where their minds hit a new stage developmentally, and they have to re-process the divorce all over again.

When I went back into a support group for divorcing moms, it was great for my son and to be honest, it was good for me too because those women looked to me as proof that the pain does get better (in fact, go away..) and so I was able to give in those sessions, more than receive.

Back to your question, no doubt you are correct. The only solution is to 1) initiate invitations to your house or on an outing and hope this encourages reciprocity 2) be direct and share with your friends that you know it's awkward but you would really like companionship right now and 3) find new friends in similar circumstances.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I was going to respond to this, but the PP said it all.

I've been divorced for four years. It's a tough row to hoe at first. You'll be OK. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP, when my mom was divorced, one of her female friends actually TOLD her she didn't want her around anymore because 1) my mom was attractive and 2) she was worried mom would steal her husband.

My mom was mortified! Her life was destroyed by my dad's adultery and she does not consider herself the "kind of person" who would do that.

Anyway all the points others made may be true... But my personal family experience suggests the "on the prowl" thing might be a worry too, esp. if you are attractive.

[Anonymous]

selfish? Do the right thing? What is the right thing? I honestly don't know what to do for them. They are both invited to our cocktail parties and the kid goes to the birthday parties and such - but how do we suggest a dinner out? How do I inquire without being nosy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:selfish? Do the right thing? What is the right thing? I honestly don't know what to do for them. They are both invited to our cocktail parties and the kid goes to the birthday parties and such - but how do we suggest a dinner out? How do I inquire without being nosy?

It's so easy. It's the same thing you would do for anyone who is grieving or suffered a loss. You say, "I'm so sorry to hear about your divorce. It must be really hard on you and little Jimmy. I can't pretend to know what you're going through or what you might need, but please let me know if I can ever help you out or if you need a listening ear." And then do that. Listen, talk, call, invite, live. Just don't ignore, not call, evade, change subjects, or shun. You don't need to invite someone to dinner out if you never did that while they were married. Just do the same things you did before the divorce, and if you can, step it up a notch.

Firsthand, the things single moms need are so basic and easy, it's the little things. Like offering to watch her kids one night so she can run an hour's worth of errands after work. Or saying, hey I'm going to the grocery store - do you need milk while I'm there? (these are neighbor things, but as an example). I do this for my married neighbor when her husband is out of town and she has the kids all alone. The karma you get in return is immense, and it sets a good example for your kids *AND* the kindness almost always comes back to you tenfold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:selfish? Do the right thing? What is the right thing? I honestly don't know what to do for them. They are both invited to our cocktail parties and the kid goes to the birthday parties and such - but how do we suggest a dinner out? How do I inquire without being nosy?

Would you like to go out to dinner on [insert date]? How are you feeling these days?

[zumbamama]

this happened to my colleague. She was recently divorced, and when the news broke, many of my coworkers avoided her to avoid any uncomfortable conversation. Me, I tried to be understanding and offer my shoulder and ears should she need them. A few weeks went by before things returned to normal. But I suspect your friends are unsure of what to say...perhaps they are waiting for you to signal that you are okay emotionally before they approach you.

[Anonymous]

I always worry that if I invite a single person to a gathering, like a dinner party, where the other guests are all couples, that he or she will feel like a 3rd (5th, 7th) wheel. But if I then plan to invite more than one single person to a gathering where there are several couples, I worry that it will look like a lame set-up attempt. I realize I overthink it, so try very hard just to invite the people I would have wanted there, regardless of numbers or seating arrangements or paranoid delusions. But that's my thought process.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry this is adding additional stress to your life. One thing to consider-- how is your son coping? While what others have said may in fact explain the "shunning." I also wonder if your DS has been acting out. Hopefully not. As a parent, no matter how much I enjoy other parents, I really will limit interaction with a kid who is setting a bad example.

[Anonymous]

Chiming in as a divorced parent. Some of your friends might be avoiding you out of discomfort, but others might be waiting to see how you and your soon-to-be-ex are planning to divvy up the friends. It sounds like something we shouldn't do, but in the end it just sort of has to happen. If these friends are used to getting together with your whole family, they could be concerned that making a play date with you somehow "takes sides." This is true even if you are in an amicable break-up.

Best thing to do is exactly what you did when you decided to divorce-- say it out loud, be forthright, and take the lead. Tell your friend-- hay, I know that it's different being with me without Jim-Bob, and I'm totally fine if you call him for a play date on weekends that he's with John-Boy, but I want to preserve our friendship through this time.

I know that it's difficult-- I had to do it myself-- but it ends the wondering, waiting, discomfort on all sides.

Divorce is not only about breaking away from one life. It's about building another. And this one, you have to build yourself.