Out-of-country In Laws want "month 4 childcare" visit

[Anonymous]

They claim their goal is to be helpful, by staying with us for 3-4 weeks and caring for our newborn when I initially go back to work.
It's a nice offer but they have not been around a newborn for decades, may be underestimating how demanding childcare is, don't understand the transition time to them and then to the FT nanny, and don't understand how having adult houseguests (we buy most of their food, drive them, come up with things to do, no privacy, in the house 24/7, etc.) for long periods drives me nuts. Let alone if something bad were to happen while my husband and I were at work.

I understand that at month 3 or 4 it will be more fun for them to visit as I will have recovered, the baby should have a routine down, the house should be in normal shape. and then viola! 9 hours of baby time to themselves while we work! But I feel as if this idea is half-baked and as I'm soon to give birth, I don't have a way to get comfortable with it - either the long duration, the houseguest angle, or the professional childcare aspect.

Anyone have any experience with this? Am I missing something. Is this actually a good idea?, just need to get them up to speed on 2013 childcare in America? I know they can't just fly in on Sunday, I go to work all Monday, and everyone thinks things will be blissful.

[Anonymous]

Depends on how well you know and understand them as people. What does DH say? Is he just glad that they'll be there to help out so he can kick back a little? My friend's husband is that way-- as long as his mom is there doing the load of the work, he's happy as a clam. Also, do you really want to live that way? Houseguests can get awful after a few days especially when you are someone who likes your privacy and ability to continue your routines. (Was it Ben Franklin who said "After three days, guests, like fish, begin to stink?")

[Anonymous]

Do they normally schedule visits that long?

I would suggest they come for a shorter time near the end of your maternity leave (thinking week 9 or 10) so you're fully recovered and the baby is to the point of smiling and interacting some. You might wish to get out a little on your own at that point (i.e., go shop for an hour or two for new work clothes, get a haircut, etc). DH could take some of that time off to spend with his parents so it is not just you.

Say no to the childcare. You're right that the baby doesn't need two transitions (let alone you and DH).

And say no to the long visit. If you know it drives you nuts normally, it will be ten times worse when you're dealing with the emotions of going back to work. That's not when you want to have to share your baby with someone else let alone socialize with houseguests--you will likely want to come home and have your baby all to your and DH's selves.

[Anonymous]

Are you paying for their airfare? How expensive is it for them to come to visit you (in terms of their own income)?

My inlaws are out-of-country too and they came for 6 months when DD was born. It was an adjustment but thankfully - we had a large house as well as adequate help. i made it clear to DH that he had to pitch in too.

It all worked out in the end though. I had to adjust and so did they. My DD is very attached to both of them. They really dote on her.

If there is something which I don't particularly like remind myself that they have the best interest of my child at heart.

They are actually less strict than I am. DH says they were quite strict when he was growing up.

[Anonymous]

I just told my inlaws "Oh, that's very kind of you but that doesn't work for me. But you are welcome to ....."

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Boundaries. They are your friend.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps they come from a culture where it seems odd to hire a stranger to help with up the baby (versus it being a luxury to hire a professional) and you need to acknowledge that it may seem odd that you have done this, but you want your child to have consistent care. Express gratitude for their offer, but decline it. Be prepared for the drama.

I suspect MIL would actually do most of the work, while FIL shuffled about disoriented and bored...looking forward to dinner, etc.

[Anonymous]

I've seen posts like this from time to time from women with in-laws who live in another country. It isn't just the normal "boundaries" issue. The in laws' trip isn't really financially worth it for a weekend. On the other hand, you have a right to your privacy and so forth.

It seems to me the answer here might be for you to hire a nanny and present the nanny to them as their "helper." Make sure nanny understands that she is truly in charge in reality. You need to hire someone who can pull this off and has a bit of flexibility. My first nanny was very good at dealing with my mother, who called constantly when #1 was an infant with "orders" for her care. She had a sense of humor and knew she was in charge but could defer.

[Anonymous]

You have to find a compromise - certainly with the length of time, probably with the full time childcare aspect, and with houseguest expectations. Start with a shorter period (no one said a 2 day weekend, nor 3+ weeks!), they should come when you and or hubby are home more- not at transition times, and they need to do more than sit around all day and have free everything (and if they are elderly perhaps you need to see them at their place another time.).
Unless you have serious money (which can be fleeting), find a compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to find a compromise - certainly with the length of time, probably with the full time childcare aspect, and with houseguest expectations. Start with a shorter period (no one said a 2 day weekend, nor 3+ weeks!), they should come when you and or hubby are home more- not at transition times, and they need to do more than sit around all day and have free everything (and if they are elderly perhaps you need to see them at their place another time.).
Unless you have serious money (which can be fleeting), find a compromise.

Ummm, what part of out of country you did not understand?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to find a compromise - certainly with the length of time, probably with the full time childcare aspect, and with houseguest expectations. Start with a shorter period (no one said a 2 day weekend, nor 3+ weeks!), they should come when you and or hubby are home more- not at transition times, and they need to do more than sit around all day and have free everything (and if they are elderly perhaps you need to see them at their place another time.).
Unless you have serious money (which can be fleeting), find a compromise.

Ummm, what part of out of country you did not understand?

What's your point exactly? Flying over the atlantic or pacific gives you the automatic right to do whatever you want, when you want, for how long you want, etc.?
We have no family nearby in driving distance, but also not over $1k flying distance except for high season times, which we must pay given work schedules. For houseguests we find a solution, where one side does not feel taken advantage of or walked all over. If there are several cultures involved all must realize that too, one extreme or self-centered attitude does not overrule all others. That can create an unhealthy environment quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to find a compromise - certainly with the length of time, probably with the full time childcare aspect, and with houseguest expectations. Start with a shorter period (no one said a 2 day weekend, nor 3+ weeks!), they should come when you and or hubby are home more- not at transition times, and they need to do more than sit around all day and have free everything (and if they are elderly perhaps you need to see them at their place another time.).
Unless you have serious money (which can be fleeting), find a compromise.

Ummm, what part of out of country you did not understand?

What's your point exactly? Flying over the atlantic or pacific gives you the automatic right to do whatever you want, when you want, for how long you want, etc.?
We have no family nearby in driving distance, but also not over $1k flying distance except for high season times, which we must pay given work schedules. For houseguests we find a solution, where one side does not feel taken advantage of or walked all over. If there are several cultures involved all must realize that too, one extreme or self-centered attitude does not overrule all others. That can create an unhealthy environment quickly.

You are a cautionary tale of why foreign men should not marry American women. You are right - do what you want to. Your husband deserves all you can heap on him because he chose to marry you...

[Anonymous]

Many parents have no child care experience before having kids. Even if they do it us very different to have your own. They will figure it out.

[Anonymous]

I'm first generation American and so is my husband. Even though our parents are from different countries (Mexico & Hungary). I know that once I am ready to have my first child and after I take maternity leave that I will have either my parents helping and my inlaws taking turns so I can go back to work. I would take it as a cultural differnce, they only mean to help. If you are on good terms with them why not?Just make sure that you let them know it's your house and your rules. However if you are uncomfortable with them coming over to help then I suggest that you be honest with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm first generation American and so is my husband. Even though our parents are from different countries (Mexico & Hungary). I know that once I am ready to have my first child and after I take maternity leave that I will have either my parents helping and my inlaws taking turns so I can go back to work. I would take it as a cultural differnce, they only mean to help. If you are on good terms with them why not?Just make sure that you let them know it's your house and your rules. However if you are uncomfortable with them coming over to help then I suggest that you be honest with them.

+1. My mom was extremely helpful when she came to help us for a full month (but she came without my dad)

[Anonymous]

Where does your husband stand on this? That's a huge omission in the post. Is he pressing for this to happen when you're against it? Is that why you don't go into detail on whether he is backing you or his parents here? (And...he should be backing you, by the way.)

The in-laws mean well but you should say no. You are right that two transitions is one too many -- not just for the baby, who is going to be pretty resilient, honestly, but for you and dad. Having 24/7 houseguests, however helpful they mean to be, is not going to make your transition back to work easier; it will make it much more stressful. As someone else posted -- boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. But your husband should be the one handling this with his folks and setting those very firm but loving boundaries.

By the way, it's impossible to tell from your post, but if the in-laws are folks who get offended or upset easily and you're fearing that -- well, now is the time for you and your husband to get used to navigating that kind of thing, or you will be tiptoeing around their travel plans and saying yes when you mean no for many years to come. Your gut is saying "no" here -- listen to your gut. If your husband is disagreeing with you, you and he need to work it out but that does not mean that you cave to him. It means his folks do come, but at the time that works for all of you, which is not the time they propose.