New baby as a way to bring together in-laws

[Anonymous]

DH and I have been married 10 years. DH's side of the family is very dysfunctional. DH has practically no relationship with his absentee father (who visits us once every 10 years). In addition, we have a very negative relationship with the rest of DH's family, who is largely disinterested in a relationship with us. We eloped in large part to avoid DH's dysfunctional family.

Anyhow, DH and I are expecting our first child, which is the first grandchild for both sides. I would like to take this opportunity to strengthen bonds with DH's family. Maybe the first grandchild will bring the family more together. Since I'm still expecting, I'd like to find ways to include the in-laws in the pregnancy, and then in the child's life on a regular basis. DH's father has been disinterested in the pregnancy, but maybe there is a way to interest him more. I have no idea if any of DH's family plans to visit once the baby is born--none of them have mentioned it, so we'll have to see.

I'd like to think that my relationship with my in-laws is not a lost cause, even though it's been 10 years already and I have no relationship with any of them. But I would like them to have a relationship with their grandchild. I think it's very important for our child to get to know his grandparents and DH's family.

So I'd love to hear suggestions on ways to include my in-laws in my pregnancy, and in the first few months after the baby is born, and perhaps get them more interested in the idea of their first grandchild. In-laws are a 3 hour plane ride away, so no local family.

[Anonymous]

Why involve your kid with crazies when you don't have to?

Do you have a thing about fixing people? Are you going to use your baby to fix the crazies.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Well I wish things were different with DH's family. But the problem is that they are just disinterested in us. However, I am hoping they will be interested in their grandchild. I don't want my child to grow up not knowing that side of the family. I never really knew one side of my family and it really sucked. I have 14 first cousins on that side of the family that I never really knew and have no relationship with. I'd like something different for our child.

Right now we see DH's family once every year to every two years, so not often, and they live far away but I am hoping they will be interested in being a part of the child's milestones (visiting after the birth, first birthday party, holidays, etc).

[Anonymous]

They are crazy and dysfunctional - I would let them stay distant. Trust me.

[Anonymous]

Stop trying to control this. If it is going to happen, let it happen organically. The presence of a baby/grandchild can bring families closer together, but that usually doesn't happen until the child is actually here.

My advice is to sit back and enjoy your pregnancy. If a friend is throwing you a shower, feel free to invite MIL and husband's sisters if he has any. They may come, and they may not.

When the baby arrives, be open to family visits. If you have any type of ceremony or welcoming party for the baby, again invite in-laws.

But please do not create specific events or situations in an attempt to heal broken relationships. Have no expectations, only high hopes that things will change. And most importantly, make sure this is what your husband wants. Nowhere in your post do you mention that he wants these people in his child's life. Your child will be okay if s/he does not have a relationship with grandparents that are dysfunctional. Let your husband be the decider of whether they will be in the child's life.

[Anonymous]

my inlaws aren't as dysfunctional sounding as yours, nor did you we a total non existent relationship, but we weren't as close as i would have liked. i hoped when my sil had her first that would help things and it didn't. and i was so hopeful that when i had my first, it would change things. it didn't. i think its great that you want to try, and you should, but don't set your expectations too high and end up disappointed and/or resentful. they have to want the relationship just as much as you do.

i think keeping them updated on pictures and videos, what the baby is doing (sitting, crawling, loves bananas!, etc) is the most you can do on a day to day basis unless they show some interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are crazy and dysfunctional - I would let them stay distant. Trust me.

+1

[Anonymous]

That is a lot of weight to place on a child, and inappropriate. How much interest have you shown in THEIR new babies, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is a lot of weight to place on a child, and inappropriate. How much interest have you shown in THEIR new babies, OP?

What do you mean how much interest have I shown in their new babies? They don't have any babies. I'm talking about DH's parents and his siblings, none of whom have kids.

[Anonymous]

I would not expect having a baby to fix these longstanding problems. If it happens, great, but I think you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

[Anonymous]

What does your dh want? This should be his call, not yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your dh want? This should be his call, not yours.

This. +1000

[Anonymous]

Please have realistic expectations about what having a baby will mean to you and your spouse. It is HARD work. Especially if it is your first child.

If the ILs want to be a part of this - they will be a part of this. Do not try and fix dysfunctional inlaws using your baby. Concentrate on the mental and physical health of you and your spouse.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are to be lauded for your good heart and intentions, however, remember this, "no good deed goes unpunished."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been married 10 years. DH's side of the family is very dysfunctional. DH has practically no relationship with his absentee father (who visits us once every 10 years). In addition, we have a very negative relationship with the rest of DH's family, who is largely disinterested in a relationship with us. We eloped in large part to avoid DH's dysfunctional family.

Anyhow, DH and I are expecting our first child, which is the first grandchild for both sides. I would like to take this opportunity to strengthen bonds with DH's family. Maybe the first grandchild will bring the family more together. Since I'm still expecting, I'd like to find ways to include the in-laws in the pregnancy, and then in the child's life on a regular basis. DH's father has been disinterested in the pregnancy, but maybe there is a way to interest him more. I have no idea if any of DH's family plans to visit once the baby is born--none of them have mentioned it, so we'll have to see.

I'd like to think that my relationship with my in-laws is not a lost cause, even though it's been 10 years already and I have no relationship with any of them. But I would like them to have a relationship with their grandchild. I think it's very important for our child to get to know his grandparents and DH's family.

So I'd love to hear suggestions on ways to include my in-laws in my pregnancy, and in the first few months after the baby is born, and perhaps get them more interested in the idea of their first grandchild. In-laws are a 3 hour plane ride away, so no local family.

No. It does not work this way in real life.