mother getting overly enthusiastic about culture all of a sudden with baby on the way

[Anonymous]

My husband and I are having our first child in a few months and once thing I've noticed is that my mother is getting all wrapped up in cultural stuff. On the one hand, it's endearing- on the other, though, it's a little annoying. As a kid she did the bare minimum that a third generation American would probably do in terms of promoting the old world culture of the family, mostly stuff around food and religious holidays. She never visited the country our family is from, never learned the language (her own parents didn't even bother teaching it to her), never joined any ethnic organizations. Now all of a sudden she's into the culture and I get the sense she wants me to pick up the slack, especially in light of the fact that my husband is from a completely different culture- maybe she feels threatened by that all of a sudden because his family is second generation and thus a little closer to their ethnic heritage? Honestly, while there are a few, food/holiday-related traditions I want to pass on to my child, it would probably be a much better us of my child's time for them to learn Spanish and/or Chinese than the native language of my family, last spoken by my dead grandparents, which of course, I don't even speak. Any suggestions on how to temper this without insulting her? I mean, I value the handful of traditions I was given and all, but I feel like it's a little ridiculous to embrace something that I wasn't encouraged to embrace during my formative years by my own not-so-ethnic parents.

[Anonymous]

Describe what it looks like for your mom to be "all wrapped up" in her ethnic culture. What is she saying? What is she doing?

[Anonymous]

Becoming more religious (religion is pretty entwined in our ethnic culture, or it was more so decades ago than it is now because that country is more secular), telling me I need to value my roots more the way my husband does (his parents spoke their family's language at home), telling me to reach out to relatives abroad we haven't spoken to in years (who she never bothered to reach out to), suggesting that I purchase cultural items that she never purchased, stuff like that that she never did when I was living in her house. She's been talking about visiting the country our ancestors are from for YEARS, while in that time the only person who visited it was me. My father, not surprisingly, has little to no interest (he's from the same background and sees himself as an American before anything else).

[Anonymous]

"Mom, I'd love for you to share the richness of our culture with little Larla! That will be a special connection the two of you can have."

[Anonymous]

it sounds like some Italian americans I know. if it is so, it is not that surprising. it is not strange to go back to your roots when you get older (it may a way also to reconnect with her parents or grandparents somehow). also, two or three generations ago, Italians (and others I guess) were discriminated against so immigrants often did not teach their kids Italian but force them to speak English even at home because they wanted them to be Americans and be integrated as fast as possible. the people I know, their grand parents came from Italy but neither their parents not them were tought Italian so they cannot speak. now some of them are sending their own kids to Italian class, because now speaking Italian is not the mark of being poor and uneducated. so, I do not know your backjground, but I do not find your mom's behavior that strange

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Mom, I'd love for you to share the richness of our culture with little Larla! That will be a special connection the two of you can have."

Brilliant! Then OP, do whatever you want to do. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Just keep quiet and humor her, OP. She's just excited about the new addition to the family, and that brings up memories and strong feelings about family tradition. She'll calm down with the cultural stuff. It's not like she's going to grab the newborn and rush off to the Motherland.

In years to come, if she wants to share things related to your heritage, it will probably be stories, food, and things like that. You'll probably welcome that, right?

[Anonymous]

Maybe she regrets the emphasis on English in her family, that's pretty common in older children of immigrants. Times have really changed, it's seen as very valuable personally and socially for kids to be bilingual and to maintain the connection via language in the home. In her generation or her parents' generation, people were excited (for lack of a better word) to blend in and let go of the "Old World" ways.

I think PP's suggestion about leaving that open for her to do with the child is a good one. Taking the child to cultural events, getting cultural books, learning to cook cultural foods together, etc.

[Anonymous]

This will so blow over. I had the same thing with one parent at the wedding, the naming, etc. Then all back to normal busy.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the feedback. I'd more than welcome her sharing the food and holiday traditions and if it gives my child special memories, wonderful; I just know that based on things she's said over the past year, she may well be on the verge of a culture contest with my more ethnic inlaws. FWIW, my great-grandparents came from abroad, so we're already about 100+ years removed from the old country. After visiting it myself, it occurred to me even more how removed we are from it, especially since that country has already been through two World Wars and some major culture shifts. At this point, all that my family really has left in terms of old world culture are the charming, outdated aspects that mostly interest tourists. Maybe it's a product of being 3rd, 4th generation American, I don't know. At this point, you're right-- I should just let her do what she wants to do. My guess is she'll get a little tired of all of the work involved in trying to teach my kid more than recipes. I just don't want any berating from her about why I have no pride in my heritage, which she's done before. I think it's a lot to ask of me to pick up the torch after 30+ years of very little cultural training just for the sake of making sure that my husband and his family don't "out-culture" my side of the family.

[Anonymous]

I kind of deal with the same issue except in our cases we're both first generation (I think that's the term - we were born abroad). What makes it worse is that my husband's country had at some point in history occupied our country and with our grudge holding capabilities, well you can imagine. I actually get caught up in it and get annoyed when I think my in laws talk to our baby in their language too much.