ILs and Spending Money

[Anonymous]

DH and I have well paying jobs. We don't spend extravagantly and we have been saving pretty dilligently for the last couple of years in order to be able to put down a hefty down payment on our next home. However, if we do need to buy something costly we do the research, try to find the best deal, but if it's something that's expensive but good quality then we're willing to spend the money on it.

The issue is that whenever we do buy something "nice" for ourselves my MIL will make comments like "you could've bought something cheaper and bought me one too!" Or list a bunch of things we could've bought her insteading of buying the thing we bought. It's gotten to the point where if I buy DD something she'll say "oh for goodness sake, she doesn't need that! If you're really looking to waste your money on something, waste it on me!"

She's been doing it more and more lately and it's getting a little awkward. I don't really understand her money situation - I know she's retired, but her ex pays her mortgage, healthcare and for vacations. She takes SS and has a small pension.

Should I try to figure out what the bigger issue is, or should I just ignore it?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like maybe she has a mental illness. I would probably just ignore.

[Anonymous]

I think she thinks she is being funny and also feels the need to make everything about her. (Bet Zimmerman's lawyer would think she is a riot. Knock, Knock..)

[Anonymous]

She's just cheap and doesn't like to spend her money, but seems happy for others to spend on her!. So is mine, now we can't take her out to dinner she disapproves, can't meet for a family Disney vacation that's too frivolous, and can't get her to do anything unless we're doing it and paying for it. So we all sit around in the house, hers or ours.

[Anonymous]

I'd suggest your DH talks to her. I recently found out how tight money is for my ILs and it's a little scary. I dont think it would hurt to buy her something small, either. And tell her that you're really focused on saving and buying necessities because SS (which she relies on) is so uncertain for your generation. I'd hope she understands that!

[Anonymous]

If she said that about something I bought my daughter, I'd probably look at her funny and say, "She's a child. I buy things for my child. You're an adult. You can purchase whatever you'd like."

[Anonymous]

My MIL is like this too. But I think it's because she is a bitter, envious woman who is jealous. She will often criticize our spending purchases (the big things we tell her about, like renovations to the house). But with DH's brother, she criticizes him spending his money on lavish vacations. So it could be a jealousy thing. It is very annoying to deal with. I feel for you! I would suggest just stop sharing with her about any purchases.

[Anonymous]

MIL has no class.

Agree OP should stop sharing.

[Anonymous]

I would say that's a funny joke, you seem to enjoy using it quite often! Haha!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't really understand her money situation - I know she's retired, but her ex pays her mortgage, healthcare and for vacations. She takes SS and has a small pension.

Should I try to figure out what the bigger issue is, or should I just ignore it?

Why doesn't your DH raise the issue of money with her? It could be in the context of thinking about her future. (E.g. does she plan to stay in her house? Does she have the money to maintain it? What are her wishes if she can't stay in her house?)

It may be that she is loaded but doesn't feel rich. It may be that she is poor and worried about her future. Or any other range of possibilities. At least with a frank conversation, your DH could figure out what's going on with his mom and THEN you'll know how to respond to her repeated comments about money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd suggest your DH talks to her. I recently found out how tight money is for my ILs and it's a little scary. I dont think it would hurt to buy her something small, either. And tell her that you're really focused on saving and buying necessities because SS (which she relies on) is so uncertain for your generation. I'd hope she understands that!

If money is tight, they don't "need" more stuff. Food, housing, medical care, sure. But no one should feel obligated to buy unnecessary material items for an in law.

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend's mother has zero savings, drives a 65,000 dollar car, and tells my boyfriend "you are my retirement plan!" And he is ok with this. It scares me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend's mother has zero savings, drives a 65,000 dollar car, and tells my boyfriend "you are my retirement plan!" And he is ok with this. It scares me.

It should. Really.

I'm not some callous jerk who wouldn't take care of my parents if disaster struck, but spending crazily and hoping that one's kid will make it all work out? Unless there is ample money for that to happen, I'd be concerned.

This is probably heavily influenced by my grandmother mishandling money badly, which caused my parents no end of worry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really understand her money situation - I know she's retired, but her ex pays her mortgage, healthcare and for vacations. She takes SS and has a small pension.

Should I try to figure out what the bigger issue is, or should I just ignore it?

Why doesn't your DH raise the issue of money with her? It could be in the context of thinking about her future. (E.g. does she plan to stay in her house? Does she have the money to maintain it? What are her wishes if she can't stay in her house?)

It may be that she is loaded but doesn't feel rich. It may be that she is poor and worried about her future. Or any other range of possibilities. At least with a frank conversation, your DH could figure out what's going on with his mom and THEN you'll know how to respond to her repeated comments about money.

Thanks for all the comments so far...I've brought this up with DH before and he alluded to the fact that her ex has set her up for rest of her life even after he passes. I think it's enough to live on (the basics such as housing, health care, etc), but probably not up to the level she has grown accustomed to (vacations twice a year, new cars, etc).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really understand her money situation - I know she's retired, but her ex pays her mortgage, healthcare and for vacations. She takes SS and has a small pension.

Should I try to figure out what the bigger issue is, or should I just ignore it?

Why doesn't your DH raise the issue of money with her? It could be in the context of thinking about her future. (E.g. does she plan to stay in her house? Does she have the money to maintain it? What are her wishes if she can't stay in her house?)

It may be that she is loaded but doesn't feel rich. It may be that she is poor and worried about her future. Or any other range of possibilities. At least with a frank conversation, your DH could figure out what's going on with his mom and THEN you'll know how to respond to her repeated comments about money.

Thanks for all the comments so far...I've brought this up with DH before and he alluded to the fact that her ex has set her up for rest of her life even after he passes. I think it's enough to live on (the basics such as housing, health care, etc), but probably not up to the level she has grown accustomed to (vacations twice a year, new cars, etc).

So your DH can talk to her, saying it sounds like she is feeling a bit stressed about money. Maybe she needs help with financial planning, or cutting expenses, or finding ways of feeling better with the money she has.