Analyze this!

[Anonymous]

I am inexplicably mad about a situation. My parents have chosen to take in my grandmother for a period of time following her stroke. She cannot live alone anymore and really needs to be in an assisted living situation. Little to no research has been done on assisted living options, and grandmother is actually from another state and would rather be there, even though she acknowledges she cannot go home again. My sister and I both spoke to parents and said that we really thought it was a better idea NOT to take in grandma, as my parents still work FT, their house is not elder proofed (no full bathroom or bedroom on first level), etc. My martyr, errr I mean mother, didn’t listen.

All of this background leads to the fact that my parents feel the need to go out of town next weekend, to visit another elderly relative for that relative’s birthday. They are not taking grandma and have asked me to come (they asked me last week, so it’s not last minute) to their house for the weekend, because grandma cannot be left alone for the weekend. My H has a previous commitment that has been on the books for months so I need to take my kids too. I am incredibly annoyed by this, and don’t have a real reason. It’s one weekend; my parents have been generous to us and have watched our kids many times. But I am pretty ticked.

So flame me guys, or try to figure out why I am angry.

[Anonymous]

How much money does Grandma have? Have you any idea how an assisted living home costs because it is around $300/day for a decent place. I doubt that grandma truly wants to be warehoused. The only good thing about this situation is that your patents know how you will treat them. They have helped you and family helps family. You are self-centered, selfish, and someday you will get all the things you so richly deserve.

[Anonymous]

PP is a snot.

I'd be concerned about the precedent. Now mom knows she can call you to grandma-sit whenever she decides she has something better to do.

[Anonymous]

You are angry because your mother is, as you so snottily put it, a martyr. She is martyring herself for her mother just as she did for you. From this you learned not to be anything put a taking, selfish brat who has no regard for others. As you are this way, I suggest you have your mother call a service who will be happy to send a kind person who will take care of your grandmother.

My only request is that you at least drop off your children at your parents house one day and let them experience your grandmother. Your parents can handle it, you don't even have to stay. Children are very sympathetic, and their great-grandmother will have an impression on them. Seeing how your mother is taking care of their grandmother will help them envision their future taking care of you. Perhaps you will be lucky enough to have caring children despite your own selfish self.

You, my dear, have been flamed.

[Anonymous]

Hi this is Op and I have really thick skin so I am good so far. Actually I am well aware of the high price of care, but my problem is that no one is doing any research in order to proceed with the best plan. I have offered to do the research but need some information regarding my grandmother, and no one is giving it to me. It's more than this weekend. I have a bad feeling that something is going to go wrong since my parents' house is not elder proofed and there is no one around during the day with grandma, no day aide, etc. It just doesn't seem like a good solution. So I think I am focusing my anger re: the whole scenario on the weekend. And yes my H have been discussing he future regarding our parents and in the same scenario we would look into options close by but not in our non-elder friendly house.

[Anonymous]

I'd be angry too. I admit it's my selfish side, but I hate physically taking care of people. I'd be stressing over her safety, as well as worrying if I could handle caring for her more and more as time goes on.

And you're right that no one seems to have thought through what is needed in this situation. Take this weekend as an opportunity to channel your anger. Go through your parents' house and make a list of everything you think is a problem for your grandmother there. While you're there, let your kids hang out with her while you research online and put together some potential plans for her care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi this is Op and I have really thick skin so I am good so far. Actually I am well aware of the high price of care, but my problem is that no one is doing any research in order to proceed with the best plan. I have offered to do the research but need some information regarding my grandmother, and no one is giving it to me. It's more than this weekend. I have a bad feeling that something is going to go wrong since my parents' house is not elder proofed and there is no one around during the day with grandma, no day aide, etc. It just doesn't seem like a good solution. So I think I am focusing my anger re: the whole scenario on the weekend. And yes my H have been discussing he future regarding our parents and in the same scenario we would look into options close by but not in our non-elder friendly house.

OP, ignore the others. I agree with you -- it's not a good situation. If your parents (who still work FT and are thus unavailable for your grandma), don't want to think about assisted living, then they need to start interviewing in-home caregivers STAT.

PPs, it's not about being selfish. It's about people making adult decisions, some of which are difficult to make. Two working adults cannot properly care for this woman.

[Anonymous]

Even if they were "doing the research," your grandmother is not going to be able to get into assisted living immediately, OP. It's going to take some time. You would have to help out. So get off your duff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi this is Op and I have really thick skin so I am good so far. Actually I am well aware of the high price of care, but my problem is that no one is doing any research in order to proceed with the best plan. I have offered to do the research but need some information regarding my grandmother, and no one is giving it to me. It's more than this weekend. I have a bad feeling that something is going to go wrong since my parents' house is not elder proofed and there is no one around during the day with grandma, no day aide, etc. It just doesn't seem like a good solution. So I think I am focusing my anger re: the whole scenario on the weekend. And yes my H have been discussing he future regarding our parents and in the same scenario we would look into options close by but not in our non-elder friendly house.

First, you are being selfish for not wanting to help out for the weekend.
Second, what does your grandmother think? Would she rather be at your parents' our an assisted living facility?

I agree with you that she needs somebody there with her during the day.

[Anonymous]

OP,

You're a real bitch. Hope you're kids like you after your stroke. Also, FYI, next weekend is NOT last minute.

[Anonymous]

Thanks PP I clearly acknowledged in my OP that it was not last minute. I may be a bitch, but I can read.

16:11- she would rather be in the state in which she was living and has stated she thinks assisted living is better, vs. living at home. She knows she cannot go home again. At my folks she has no friends, she can't drive and they are not in a walkable neighborhood. If they were actively researching this and looking into adult day programs, or in house aide, etc. I would be less annoyed, but they've taken a head in the sand approach thus far.

[Anonymous]

Is there any way you can get the information you need directly from your grandmother? I would use the weekend as an opportunity to discuss options/possibilities with her and get information.

I agree that an assisted care facility is better. Even putting aside the issue of dangers, she'll be incredibly lonely being home by herself all day, every day. There are some facilities that actually have social activities and other things that might give her a higher quality of life.

Don't listen to other PPs. I would also set some boundaries with your parents. My view is that if I am going to be asked to help with something, then I should have a say in the situation. It sounds like they don't want to listen to your suggestions or input, but they want you to be there when they need help. that's not a fair situation.

My experience with people who like to play the martyr is that they also like to guilt other people into stuff.

[Anonymous]

I'd be annoyed, too, OP. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are annoyed because your mother made the decision to take on a tremendous responsibility for herself. You did not agree to take on that responsibility for yourself. That doesn't make you a brat or entitled. It's like me saying I want to have a baby, giving birth, and then leaving it with you a week later. It's a huge responsibility that you didn't ask for. Babies are wonderful and you may even love it, but you didn't ask to take on the responsibility and its unfair for me to obligate you to take it on. I'd be mad too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi this is Op and I have really thick skin so I am good so far. Actually I am well aware of the high price of care, but my problem is that no one is doing any research in order to proceed with the best plan. I have offered to do the research but need some information regarding my grandmother, and no one is giving it to me. It's more than this weekend. I have a bad feeling that something is going to go wrong since my parents' house is not elder proofed and there is no one around during the day with grandma, no day aide, etc. It just doesn't seem like a good solution. So I think I am focusing my anger re: the whole scenario on the weekend. And yes my H have been discussing he future regarding our parents and in the same scenario we would look into options close by but not in our non-elder friendly house.

You are right to be concerned and to see that your parents' home is not appropriate for your grandmother. You also are using "no one is giving me information" as a frankly lame excuse not to get moving on the research that needs to be done. Are your parents willfully withholding information because they actively oppose your doing any research? I doubt it. You also can do some basics without every bit of detail, can't you?

It can take many months, even years, to secure a slot in a decent assisted living facility so if you don't get moving now you are condemning your whole family, yourself included, to more and more time where grandmother is in your parents' home. Stop using "I need more information they're not giving me" as an excuse.

If the option of assisted living in a facility makes grandmother unhappy, look into what a home health aide would cost. Look into the issue of renovating your parents' home to be appropriate for grandmother. The costs involved in those options could be enough to drive your parents to see that an assisted living home may be the better option.

I would almost bet that there are other, long-standing issues in your family that make you jump immediately to accusing your mom of martyrdom and being a bit of a martyr yourself over this upcoming weekend. Please focus on grandmother first and foremost and try to put all the emotional drama aside. Grandma cannot be alone; you are able to go; go. Yes, it does set a precedent as someone else posted. But what's the alternative this time? There isn't one. You can go into it surly and snarky or you can go into it thinking that at least it gives you some time with grandma, who may not be around forever, no?