I think my dc's friend is autistic - how do I act?

[Anonymous]

I know the topic subject doesn't sound very good. Let me explain. My dc has a very good friend. They love playing together. I think dc's friend has a mild form of autism. (I'm very sorry in advance if I'm not using the terms correctly). For the past few months, dc's friend has become more violent and having difficulty coping with anger or change. DC's friend also talks about all these violent situations, like killing and hurting people. Once dc's friend lashed out at dc and charged at dc because dc moved a lego piece. My dc has started to become nervous playing with this friend. There have been several instances now where dc has gotten hurt because this friend has lashed out at dc in frustration. They are currently in kindergarten.

I don't know how to bring it up with the family without making them feel bad. I actually don't want the kids to stop playing with each other, but I need to know that DC will be safe at the same time.

Do you have any suggestions on what I can do, or what I can say? I have tried to explain to dc that this friend doesn't always understand how to stop, but my dc is too young to understand why not.

[Anonymous]

I don't know. I think maybe they need to stop playing together, or they need to be tightly supervised.

[Anonymous]

This could be my dc -- can be a very good friend, but can also have meltdowns over (seemingly) nothing, fairly rigid in play, and sometimes throws things in frustration when the play is not going as expected.

In this case, I'd want dc's friend's parent to tell me that this is a problem, and that the problem is getting worse. I wouldn't necessarily already know because dc plays differently with different people. I'd want to run more interference (i.e. perhaps I'd host playdates so that I can set them up to make them more likely to succeed) and talk more with dc immediately before each encounter about expected behavior.

[Anonymous]

This doesn't sound to me like autism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This doesn't sound to me like autism.

Agree. It could be any NT kid who has problems with emotional regulation and gets frustrated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This doesn't sound to me like autism.

Agree. It could be any NT kid who has problems with emotional regulation and gets frustrated.

Right. My DD (5) is very emotional and gets frustrated crazy easily, and she cries a lot. Not autistic.

[Anonymous]

Most likely the parents are well aware the child has some issues and they are addressing it. It is not your place to diagnose. It is your place to express concern about what you see with regard to interactions with your DC and get their input.

Most people who have a child on the spectrum do not run around telling everyone their child has autism. We of course tell the school, but telling other parents gives them no info. I do tell others anything I think is pertinent to the situation.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I don't know the correct terms, so I apologize. I only mentioned autism because this friend's brother said it in passing once, that this child might have autism.

I have mentioned it before to the parents. And everytime, they do feel badly and try to get their child to stop the behavior. They also apologize to my child a lot. The circumstances where the children play won't really change, so it's not like I can just avoid the kids playing together. Our families are very good friends, and I want to keep it that way. I'm just not sure how else to say that this is starting to stress out my dc, without hurting their feelings or making them feel bad. They can't control their child all the time, and I'm sure it's not easy. I was just wondering if anyone has advice to share from past experiences, or whatnot.

[Anonymous]

Talk to the parents calmly and factually: "Today your son charged and hit my son. This is not the first time. Could you get him to stop doing that please? My son is becoming afraid of playing with your son, and I would hate to curtail future playdates."

How do you and your son react when this happens?

FYI, autistic children are not particularly violent, and if this is the only symptom you have observed, you're going to be thrashed by all the parents on this forum for jumping to discriminatory conclusions!
Some forms of ADHD can have a violent component. It could also be Oppositional Defiant Disorder. This child could have a host of issues you don't know about and that his parents are coming to grips with and working through. Or he could be going through a phase that needs to be checked.

I strongly recommend that you do not tell the other parents that their child may be autistic!!! If they have no clue, they might be extremely offended.

What you can do, after doing your research on several childhood disorders, is to describe casually to his parents typical behaviors in this child that match major criteria of the syndrome you think he has. Stop short at mentioning the disorder.
This is the way teachers and therapists use to try to hint to parents that their children might have a specific disorder, since they are prohibited from coming out and saying it.

[Anonymous]

I'd tell your son to find other people to play with/other things to play with. Tell him that sometimes people go through rough patches and sometimes we take a break and give people space. I would remind him of how he went through a phase of [bad behavior] and then grew out of it, so we'll take a break and see if this kid grows out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to the parents calmly and factually: "Today your son charged and hit my son. This is not the first time. Could you get him to stop doing that please? My son is becoming afraid of playing with your son, and I would hate to curtail future playdates."

How do you and your son react when this happens?

FYI, autistic children are not particularly violent, and if this is the only symptom you have observed, you're going to be thrashed by all the parents on this forum for jumping to discriminatory conclusions!
Some forms of ADHD can have a violent component. It could also be Oppositional Defiant Disorder. This child could have a host of issues you don't know about and that his parents are coming to grips with and working through. Or he could be going through a phase that needs to be checked.

I strongly recommend that you do not tell the other parents that their child may be autistic!!! If they have no clue, they might be extremely offended.

What you can do, after doing your research on several childhood disorders, is to describe casually to his parents typical behaviors in this child that match major criteria of the syndrome you think he has. Stop short at mentioning the disorder.
This is the way teachers and therapists use to try to hint to parents that their children might have a specific disorder, since they are prohibited from coming out and saying it.

Yes, I realize I might have used the wrong terms here. I'm not using the term lightly. The parents have mentioned it before when the child was much younger, and the brother used it recently. I don't mention a diagnosis when I talk about it to my children or the other family. I will say, this is not the only symptom - but really, the other symptoms don't matter here, and perhaps this violent tendency is something else unrelated to the possible autism. So I wish I could delete the term from my original post. I really didn't mean to offend -- I'm trying to get educated here.

Anyways, you asked : how do you react when it happens? Usually, first I will go make sure my child is alright. Then I tell my child calmly, you will be okay, why don't you come sit with mama for a little bit. Before dc's friend comes to play now, I try to prep my child a little bit because my child is starting to get anxious. So I say, if you don't want your friend to hit you, don't play fighting games. Why don't you play this activity instead? But with two boys, you can only do so much. Usually, when something does happen, I will let the other family know: "hey, I just wanted to let you know that my child got hurt. Friend hit him with block." Then they go to their child and talk to him. After a time of apology, the boys just go on and play.

My dc usually is very quick to forgive and want to play again, but now that dc is starting to say things randomly, like "oh i have to have lots of muscles because I know Friend is going to want to fight, but I don't want to fight" or "i don't want to play with friend because he always hits me." -- I'm feeling sad.

[Anonymous]

21:38 here.

You need to enforce your house rules: if someone hits, they go to time-out and playing together is over for the day.

To be quite clear, have the parents told you their son was officially diagnosed with autism? Or was it some casual remark that their son sometimes displayed some symptoms of the disorder and the parents have not pursued the matter?

If the former, I hope this child is receiving all the support at school and privately that he can get. Do not feel obliged to subject your son to abuse just because the adults are friends and you feel bad for their son.

If the latter, then pressing the issue by refusing the two boys to play together when their son starts to hit will perhaps give them the heads-up that this behavior has crossed a threshold and they need to consult a doctor.

Full disclosure: I have a son with high-functioning autism (who is never violent, and actually gets bullied by neurotypical children).

[Anonymous]

OP it is clear you care a lot even though your choice of words and title may not have been ideal. Take autism or any dx out of the equation. You have concerns about how your friend's child is treating yours. You have a right to protect your child. I would calmly share some of what you observe recently, ask for new suggestions, see if anything they do helps and then take a break if needed.

I know how awful this can when a close friend is involved. My best friend's child always did concerning things with my child with SN, but they usually could get him to shape up. Then he bullied my child with SN right in front of us verbally and physically and I had to jump in because it was a potentially dangerous situation that could have physically disabled my child. He was unapologetic and they were so shocked they could not say anything. We took a break.

Eventually my dear friend reached out to me to plan things just us or meeting up as couples at night if we both can get sitters. Worked well. The "bully" has grown up a lot and when we finally got together with the kids it was fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:21:38 here.

You need to enforce your house rules: if someone hits, they go to time-out and playing together is over for the day.

To be quite clear, have the parents told you their son was officially diagnosed with autism? Or was it some casual remark that their son sometimes displayed some symptoms of the disorder and the parents have not pursued the matter?

If the former, I hope this child is receiving all the support at school and privately that he can get. Do not feel obliged to subject your son to abuse just because the adults are friends and you feel bad for their son.

If the latter, then pressing the issue by refusing the two boys to play together when their son starts to hit will perhaps give them the heads-up that this behavior has crossed a threshold and they need to consult a doctor.

Full disclosure: I have a son with high-functioning autism (who is never violent, and actually gets bullied by neurotypical children).

I was interested to read your post. I haven't really dealt with hitting and things like this, only this one child. This is something I will discuss with my DH, and see what we should do.
I'm pretty certain the parents are aware of issues, but I'm not exactly sure what they are doing re: support. I never felt it was my business. This will be hard, but I guess it is time to sit down and have a conversation about it parent to parent. We've been causal about talking about it before, but now, it's getting worse. It will be hard because our families spend days at a time together over the summer. Thank you for your suggestions. Please post more if you come up with more ideas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP it is clear you care a lot even though your choice of words and title may not have been ideal. Take autism or any dx out of the equation. You have concerns about how your friend's child is treating yours. You have a right to protect your child. I would calmly share some of what you observe recently, ask for new suggestions, see if anything they do helps and then take a break if needed.

I know how awful this can when a close friend is involved. My best friend's child always did concerning things with my child with SN, but they usually could get him to shape up. Then he bullied my child with SN right in front of us verbally and physically and I had to jump in because it was a potentially dangerous situation that could have physically disabled my child. He was unapologetic and they were so shocked they could not say anything. We took a break.

Eventually my dear friend reached out to me to plan things just us or meeting up as couples at night if we both can get sitters. Worked well. The "bully" has grown up a lot and when we finally got together with the kids it was fine.

I think I need a reality check, and your post was helpful. I need to start thinking with DH about healthy ways to take a break. Summertime is hard because they are in so many activities together, their brothers are really close, so the younger children always get shuttled around together. Oh, I wish this were easy. But really, I know it's so much easier for me than the other parents.