Do your parents criticize DH to your face?

[Anonymous]

Do other people's parents feel free to share critical and negative things about your DH with you? Finally after 11 years attempting to put an end to this, but oh the stress and drama of enforcing appropriate boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Y MIL will say things to my mom like how i didn't send out thank you notes fast enough, didnt clean my house good enough, etc. Super annoying

[Anonymous]

OP here- meant to say that my parents are in the habit of criticizing my husband to me. Wondering how common this is because they seem to think its appropriate while I'm realizing (finally) how deeply hurtful it us after years of defending him.

[Anonymous]

Never.

[Anonymous]

My parents are dead, so this never happened.

DH's parents and siblings have criticized DH to my face, "You should make DH do this, you should make DH do that."

I tell DH what they say, and we both just ignore.

[Anonymous]

OP, you should put a firm stop to that. Be as blunt as you need to be, and explain to your parents that their comments are deeply hurtful to you and they have the potential to undermine your relationship with your spouse. Point out to them that if they really love you, they will support you and keep criticisms to themselves, not hurt your feelings and erode your confidence.

What kinds of comments do they make to you? Are they big issues (like he's been unemployed for years and never looks for a job) or are they smaller things?

[Anonymous]

My mom LOVES to have any opportunity to complain about anyone, especially DH. She actually will get almost twitchy during a conversation that has even a remote possibility of segueing into a chance to say something. She is the only one who is right, perfect, etc.
I change the subject or point out even nastier things about her (rarely do this one) or leave the room. So sick of it.

[Anonymous]

Yes, and I have been with DH for 18 years, married for 12, 3 kids and parents, esp my mother. I have asked them to stop, and it came to a head a few years ago and I was barely speaking to them for a year. I made amends for my children's sake. I had it out with them last summer when they begged us to vacation with them at the beach and they started at it again.

my recommendation to OP is to stand your ground, and calmly but firmly tell them, this is my husband and father of my children and my loyalty must be and is with him. If you cannot say anything nice about him then say nothing, in front of him, me and the children. DH is a good husband, father and provider, he isn't going anywhere. You need to get over your issues or we can't spend time with each other. That isn't what I want, so please make the better choice

This is what I said to my parents and I packed the car and we left the beach early. It is a never ending battle, but you have to be on DHs side.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I have (or have had) a very close relationship with my parents and we spend a lot of time with them so they see the best and worst of my husband. He's got some issues but we're working on them in therapy (they don't know this). He can be moody and short tempered, especially when he gets overwhelmed by my mother's interference and anxiety. But he's got a lot of wonderful qualities too - super smart, funny and warm. They choose to "worry" about his personality deficits to me endlessly and no amount of reassuring them seems to stop it. I think I need to put my foot down, say no more complaining about him to me, and they can either choose to appreciate his many, many good qualities or stop spending time with us. It's just so hard to have this conversation!

[Anonymous]

My dad will criticize DH right to HIS face. But he rarely has anything to say.

[Anonymous]

Ooh, can I play?

"DH is a good-for-nothing"
"DH is a jerk"
"You ruined your life" (in concluding a monologue about how DH does nothing that he should and everything he shouldn't)
"DH should go stay with his brother tonight" (when we were ALL invited to stay with my parents)
"When is DH going to stay at his parents?" (during that same stay)

This is when DH was going through a prolonged unemployment period and we were both feeling exceedingly vulnerable. Lovely to hear from your own mother at such a time, eh? Loving and supportive.

Like OP, my mother's reactions are highly emotional and take root in her anxious temperament. As she ages, she filters less and less. My father thinks he stays out of it but actually he enables her. Unfortunately, DH gives her grist to her mill with his ADHD (plus the temporary joblessness). He can be smart-alecky, and always has a rational answer to any question, which frustrates her exceedingly.
The answer is to avoid contact as much as possible, because I have had numerous conversations about this with my mother, and she is not going to change.

So, do I win?

[Anonymous]

meant to say, "Like OP's mother", sorry

[Anonymous]

Yes.

I also know exactly how they feel about my sister's husband and can only imagine what don't say to my face!

[Anonymous]

My parents used to criticize constantly, but have learned to keep it to themselves if they want to see me and the grandkids. Plus, I now make a point of never, ever complaining about anything or anyone they could jump all over.

[Anonymous]

My mother will make comments like "You should make X do this." But she makes those comments about everyone. I ignore them.