Recovering from Betrayal and Deception
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Anonymous
| I have just found out my husband has been lying and hiding a certain behavior (pot smoking), which we have had an agreement will not be part of our life or our marriage. It turns out he has been lying about this for at least 2 months now and has been using 2-3 days a week. This is the first time we've dealt with this in 6 years of marriage, so either I didn't know before or he wasn't actually doing it. I just feel sick to my stomach and keep thinking things like "so you lied when you said you were going to the store that night" and "so you knew you were deceiving me when you got into bed every night", etc. How do people recover from the lies and deception of their partner? How long does it take to forgive? |
Anonymous
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OP, are you serious? I honestly can't stand wives like you. I know your type. You think pot is bad so your husband had to give it up. Unless the guy is doing crack cocaine or losing jobs, give him a god da*n break. Nobody likes a nagging, boring wife. What's the big deal??? He didn't cheat or kill someone. I don't smoke pot but don't see the big deal in all of this.
Signed, A wife that finds you annoying. |
Anonymous
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Ignoring PP... I'm guessing, OP, that it would take a pretty significant amount of time. And possibly some counseling.
It's not really the particular thing that he was doing - it was the lying. Something that turns out to be chronic, that can take some time and some work to get past. |
Anonymous
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I have to agree with 21:44 PP.
Sorry OP DW, but you are being a huge pain in the ass. Your husband lies to you because you are forbidding him from doing something he enjoys. This is no different than him enjoying glasses of wine after work a few nights per week. Which is something you probably indulge in, if I had to guess. Unless he's pissing away lots of money or letting it interfere with his career, this is a non-issue and you're overreacting. Let him smoke weed occasionally, so long as he's honest with you about it. He wants a fun, supportive partner, not another mother. |
Anonymous
| Don't marry people and expect them to change. The problem with the wives on this board is that they don't get it: before the marriage you have tons of leverage. People will promise anything because they know that you won't walk. If you were serious, you would have walked when you heard about the weed smoking. But you didn't because you wanted to be married more. |
Anonymous
What???? He is betraying now because he knows its harder for her to walk. He faked it before because he wanted to be married. |
Anonymous
+1. This is a non-issue. Not a pot smoker here, but would not mind if spouse wanted to take it up recreationally. Stop nagging and let him have his harmless vice. I'll be glad when pot becomes legal on a wider scale. If much rather my spouse smoke a joint than cigarette, cigar, drink heavily, or have an Rx problem. |
Anonymous
I understand that being lied to is painful and it sucks. But I have to agree with the previous posters - let him smoke as long as he's responsible. If he was this way prior to marriage you can't expect someone to change. Why do you guys decide to not allow pot smoking? What about drinking? |
Anonymous
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OP I agree with the PPs. Just let him smoke- nbd. But, he shouldn't have agreed to quit and/or lied to you about it.
Additionally, if it's more than just 2-3x/week and its affecting your marriage / his job / relationships with other people / etc- then I can see where you wouldn't want him to. |
Anonymous
| Why is it so important to you that he not do this? I'm trying to understand how it could possibly affect you outside of some pathological need to control him? |
Anonymous
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OP here. While I respect that many people can use pot occasionally/casually/recreationally, my husband is not one of those people. He has struggled with addiction his entire life, and prior to my meeting him he had a major addiction to cocaine. When I met him, he had been clean a year (I didn't know this right away, obviously). He told me then that he couldn't do any drugs casually, not even pot. He and I made a commitment then that this wouldn't be part of our lives, and he was the one who wanted to make it express and concrete because he knew he couldn't do this casually. So for us, pot smoking isn't something that is a harmless vice -- its part of the addiction. Exemplified by the fact he went from zero to 60 with it, and then engaged in a consistent pattern of lying and deception. This is not something that is harmless, but it is about relapse and -- if not caught/stopped/owned up to -- it is the beginning of a downhill slide.
But I know about addiction, and I know that what I'm dealing with related to the addiction is a whole other ball of wax with a ton of pitfalls and struggles that I wasn't seeking advice on, which is why I left that out of my original post. |
Anonymous
| Well then you should recognize that it's about his addiction, and with addiction comes lying. Don't take it personally, and go on about how your DH is lying to you and how could he, but recognize he's lying b/c that's what addicts do. So hit the nail on the head and work through his problems of addiction rather than making him feel guilty for lying. Acting that way will only worsen the situation you're both in, by having him continue his addiction in secret and continue lying to you more and more. Wouldn't you rather let him know he can be honest with you about his addiction and know he can rely on you as a partner who will be supportive to him through this personal battle of his? |
Anonymous
| *sigh* he needs to change himself. You can't do it for him. Given his background, this will be an on-going battle. Lying is a bad sign for an addict. You are the one that needs to make a decision, not him. Will you put up with him, and his behavior? |
Anonymous
NP here, but you two are the PITAs. I mean, 1st pp, why do you get to decide that pot-smoking is okay, but crack cocaine isn't? What if I came to you and said you're the nag because crack cocaine is no big deal? why do YOU get to draw the line in the sand for OP. Same with you, 2nd pp. Why do YOU get to decide that pot smoking is no different than a glass of wine after work? There is a difference. One is illegal. And you don't know any of the back story of OP's life - so you DON'T get to decide where that line should be drawn. She's asking about dealing with lies and betrayal. Not whether it's okay to smoke. |
Anonymous
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OP, I can definitely relate.
My husband and I agreed there would be no smoking period in our relationship and marriage. I have been through a lot as a child with family, cancer etc, and am avidly against ALL smoking. He stopped when we were dating. Two years into our marriage I found out he had been smoking blunts? and probably weed too, though he did not admit to that. I had found lighters in his pockets, etc and he always said it was a friend's etc. Then one day I found an actual cigar in his car and he finally fessed up that he had been doing it periodically like once a week or so on his breaks with coworkers. It hurt. I cried. I felt anger and betrayal for days. I know a lot of people think this is silly, but what is okay for your relationship is not the same for everyone else. This was a deep betrayal for me, and to know he had been lying for so long, and at peace with it turned my world upside down. It took several talks over weeks for it to truly be resolved. He quit, we are now 5 years past that incident and I feel 100% confident he has stopped. I think you need to talk to your husband, as long as it takes. For me it was several hours, for several days and weeks. Yes it was a long time, but that's how long it took me to get over it, that's how long it took for me to feel like I was understood, and how long until I thought he fully understood what it did to me and how we could reestablish trust. Your husband screwed up, now it's time he sat and listened to what you have to say and how you feel, until you feel comfortable with your marriage and the trust you thought you had. If he cares he will be patient, and honest. Knowing how long, why, when, with who, and everything else helped me get over it because I finally felt I knew the situation from all ends and could move forward. |