Recovering from Betrayal and Deception

[Anonymous]

^^PP above, I stopped reading responses after most PPs were calling you a PITA, I just read to disclosure about addiction. Not my situation, so if my advice is not helpful I am sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can definitely relate.

My husband and I agreed there would be no smoking period in our relationship and marriage. I have been through a lot as a child with family, cancer etc, and am avidly against ALL smoking. He stopped when we were dating. Two years into our marriage I found out he had been smoking blunts? and probably weed too, though he did not admit to that. I had found lighters in his pockets, etc and he always said it was a friend's etc. Then one day I found an actual cigar in his car and he finally fessed up that he had been doing it periodically like once a week or so on his breaks with coworkers. It hurt. I cried. I felt anger and betrayal for days. I know a lot of people think this is silly, but what is okay for your relationship is not the same for everyone else. This was a deep betrayal for me, and to know he had been lying for so long, and at peace with it turned my world upside down. It took several talks over weeks for it to truly be resolved. He quit, we are now 5 years past that incident and I feel 100% confident he has stopped.

I think you need to talk to your husband, as long as it takes. For me it was several hours, for several days and weeks. Yes it was a long time, but that's how long it took me to get over it, that's how long it took for me to feel like I was understood, and how long until I thought he fully understood what it did to me and how we could reestablish trust.

Your husband screwed up, now it's time he sat and listened to what you have to say and how you feel, until you feel comfortable with your marriage and the trust you thought you had. If he cares he will be patient, and honest. Knowing how long, why, when, with who, and everything else helped me get over it because I finally felt I knew the situation from all ends and could move forward.

Seriously? All this self-inflicted mental anguish and pain because he liked to enjoy a cigar every now and then with friends?

Stop trying to control everything your husbands do. Yes, cancer is awful and so is the disgusting daily habit of smoking. But enjoying a smoke OCCASIONALLY is completely harmless. So long as it's kept to an occasional vice, stop haranguing him to death about it. You're only a driving a wedge between you and him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. While I respect that many people can use pot occasionally/casually/recreationally, my husband is not one of those people. He has struggled with addiction his entire life, and prior to my meeting him he had a major addiction to cocaine. When I met him, he had been clean a year (I didn't know this right away, obviously). He told me then that he couldn't do any drugs casually, not even pot. He and I made a commitment then that this wouldn't be part of our lives, and he was the one who wanted to make it express and concrete because he knew he couldn't do this casually. So for us, pot smoking isn't something that is a harmless vice -- its part of the addiction. Exemplified by the fact he went from zero to 60 with it, and then engaged in a consistent pattern of lying and deception. This is not something that is harmless, but it is about relapse and -- if not caught/stopped/owned up to -- it is the beginning of a downhill slide.

But I know about addiction, and I know that what I'm dealing with related to the addiction is a whole other ball of wax with a ton of pitfalls and struggles that I wasn't seeking advice on, which is why I left that out of my original post.

Why didn't you explain all of this in your original post? This is very important stuff, so of course you sound like the haranguing wife in your initial posting. You gave absolutely ZERO context on what's happening and why this is hurtful.

My advice? Get him back into weekly NA meetings, talking with a therapist, and don't blow up at him. The more anger and sadness you express, the more he will lie to avoid causing a fight or to prevent you from feeling sadness.
Keep him busy. Start doing a date night every week - just you and him. Stay active on the weekends together - exercising, household projects, etc. Keep his mind off his mistakes.

Although he violated your trust, he needs to trust you in that he can make mistakes and you'll still accept him. Don't hold it over his head and harbor a grudge; that will just further alienate him from you and push him to doing more drugs. You need to support him now, before things get too serious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can definitely relate.

My husband and I agreed there would be no smoking period in our relationship and marriage. I have been through a lot as a child with family, cancer etc, and am avidly against ALL smoking. He stopped when we were dating. Two years into our marriage I found out he had been smoking blunts? and probably weed too, though he did not admit to that. I had found lighters in his pockets, etc and he always said it was a friend's etc. Then one day I found an actual cigar in his car and he finally fessed up that he had been doing it periodically like once a week or so on his breaks with coworkers. It hurt. I cried. I felt anger and betrayal for days. I know a lot of people think this is silly, but what is okay for your relationship is not the same for everyone else. This was a deep betrayal for me, and to know he had been lying for so long, and at peace with it turned my world upside down. It took several talks over weeks for it to truly be resolved. He quit, we are now 5 years past that incident and I feel 100% confident he has stopped.

I think you need to talk to your husband, as long as it takes. For me it was several hours, for several days and weeks. Yes it was a long time, but that's how long it took me to get over it, that's how long it took for me to feel like I was understood, and how long until I thought he fully understood what it did to me and how we could reestablish trust.

Your husband screwed up, now it's time he sat and listened to what you have to say and how you feel, until you feel comfortable with your marriage and the trust you thought you had. If he cares he will be patient, and honest. Knowing how long, why, when, with who, and everything else helped me get over it because I finally felt I knew the situation from all ends and could move forward.

Seriously? All this self-inflicted mental anguish and pain because he liked to enjoy a cigar every now and then with friends?

Stop trying to control everything your husbands do. Yes, cancer is awful and so is the disgusting daily habit of smoking. But enjoying a smoke OCCASIONALLY is completely harmless. So long as it's kept to an occasional vice, stop haranguing him to death about it. You're only a driving a wedge between you and him.

A couple of times a week is pretty regular in my opinion and cannot be deemed an occasional vice. 4 times a week is not exponentially less harmful than 6/7 times a week. And sorry there is no wedge between us. The wedge would be there if I kept quiet about something that made me uncomfortable and fyi I told him when we started dating, actually probably from day one, smoking is non-negotiable. He went into it with this agreement, it's not my responsibility to make him feel better about something he knew I did not like to begin with. I said to him "I don't date guys who smoke. Period." He continued. It's his responsibility to uphold it and not lie and deceive.

[Anonymous]

OP here. If you felt like I swindled you by failing to provide enough context -- I apologize. I was trying to solicit input from others who may have lied/been lied to in different situations. While my case involves drugs, I'm sure others have been lied to about money, infidelity, etc, so I wanted to hear from those people as well. Thanks to those who have provided substantive responses and suggestions.

While reading through the comments, this is where I am struggling.

Where I want to be/what I want to do: "The more anger and sadness you express, the more he will lie to avoid causing a fight or to prevent you from feeling sadness. . . . Although he violated your trust, he needs to trust you in that he can make mistakes and you'll still accept him. . . . Don't take it personally, and go on about how your DH is lying to you and how could he, but recognize he's lying b/c that's what addicts do. So hit the nail on the head and work through his problems of addiction rather than making him feel guilty for lying."

my question is: how do you get there when you're in the hurting place? Is it just time?

[Anonymous]

OP, I disagree that you should accept your husband's lies and be okay w/him smoking pot. I would never EVER be happy w/a man who did recreational drugs a few times per wk. And I could NEVER trust a man who lied repeatedly to me over and over.

You need to give your husband an ultimatum. Either you stops getting blazed a few times a wk, or else you leave him. Doing drugs is never acceptable in a marriage. Stand your ground and please be strong. Do not waver.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. If you felt like I swindled you by failing to provide enough context -- I apologize. I was trying to solicit input from others who may have lied/been lied to in different situations. While my case involves drugs, I'm sure others have been lied to about money, infidelity, etc, so I wanted to hear from those people as well. Thanks to those who have provided substantive responses and suggestions.

While reading through the comments, this is where I am struggling.

Where I want to be/what I want to do: "The more anger and sadness you express, the more he will lie to avoid causing a fight or to prevent you from feeling sadness. . . . Although he violated your trust, he needs to trust you in that he can make mistakes and you'll still accept him. . . . Don't take it personally, and go on about how your DH is lying to you and how could he, but recognize he's lying b/c that's what addicts do. So hit the nail on the head and work through his problems of addiction rather than making him feel guilty for lying."

my question is: how do you get there when you're in the hurting place? Is it just time?

I think you need to realize that his behavior is not related to you. You can't control what he does and since he is an addict you should simply expect this to happen. It's dissapointing yes, and of course you are worried about him. But try to think of this not as something he's done to you, rather something that he has done to himself. Mind you that doesn't mean you have to be in this relationship (totally up to you). You should go to some Al-anon meetings and talk with other people who have relatives with addicition issues. You'll find it enormously helpful.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are not over reacting here. Who would want to be married to a drug user and liar? That is what your husband is. No sugar coating it. People on here act like it's no biggie if he smokes an illegal substance a few times a week and lies about it. How can this behavior be acceptable??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: OP, are you serious? I honestly can't stand wives like you. I know your type. You think pot is bad so your husband had to give it up. Unless the guy is doing crack cocaine or losing jobs, give him a god da*n break. Nobody likes a nagging, boring wife. What's the big deal??? He didn't cheat or kill someone. I don't smoke pot but don't see the big deal in all of this.

Signed,
A wife that finds you annoying.

Yo hippies. The 60's are over. Why is it Ok to honor a promise? Where is OK to break the law? Pot smoking is illegal. Dont like that ? Move to Amsterdam. Damn liberals are ruining the country. Divorce him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP, are you serious? I honestly can't stand wives like you. I know your type. You think pot is bad so your husband had to give it up. Unless the guy is doing crack cocaine or losing jobs, give him a god da*n break. Nobody likes a nagging, boring wife. What's the big deal??? He didn't cheat or kill someone. I don't smoke pot but don't see the big deal in all of this.

Signed,
A wife that finds you annoying.

Yo hippies. The 60's are over. Why is it Ok to honor a promise? Where is OK to break the law? Pot smoking is illegal. Dont like that ? Move to Amsterdam. Damn liberals are ruining the country. Divorce him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: OP, are you serious? I honestly can't stand wives like you. I know your type. You think pot is bad so your husband had to give it up. Unless the guy is doing crack cocaine or losing jobs, give him a god da*n break. Nobody likes a nagging, boring wife. What's the big deal??? He didn't cheat or kill someone. I don't smoke pot but don't see the big deal in all of this.

Signed,
A wife that finds you annoying.

Seriously, it's pot. Get over it.

Signed, another wife who also finds you annoying.

P.S. no wonder your husband needs to get high. Do you try to control everything about him or just this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. If you felt like I swindled you by failing to provide enough context -- I apologize. I was trying to solicit input from others who may have lied/been lied to in different situations. While my case involves drugs, I'm sure others have been lied to about money, infidelity, etc, so I wanted to hear from those people as well. Thanks to those who have provided substantive responses and suggestions.

While reading through the comments, this is where I am struggling.

Where I want to be/what I want to do: "The more anger and sadness you express, the more he will lie to avoid causing a fight or to prevent you from feeling sadness. . . . Although he violated your trust, he needs to trust you in that he can make mistakes and you'll still accept him. . . . Don't take it personally, and go on about how your DH is lying to you and how could he, but recognize he's lying b/c that's what addicts do. So hit the nail on the head and work through his problems of addiction rather than making him feel guilty for lying."

my question is: how do you get there when you're in the hurting place? Is it just time?

I think you need to realize that his behavior is not related to you. You can't control what he does and since he is an addict you should simply expect this to happen. It's dissapointing yes, and of course you are worried about him. But try to think of this not as something he's done to you, rather something that he has done to himself. Mind you that doesn't mean you have to be in this relationship (totally up to you). You should go to some Al-anon meetings and talk with other people who have relatives with addicition issues. You'll find it enormously helpful.

Holy shi$. We are talking about pot folks. Not crystal meth.

[Anonymous]

Smoking pot is illegal. It could put him or both of you in jail. It could bring sketchy criminals into your life. Iw would never ever date or stay married to someone who used illegal drugs. But I would never have stayed with him once I heard of the Coke addiction, so....
Am amazed that people r beating up on her bc she doesn't want her dh using illegal drugs!!

[Anonymous]

It's kind of funny that your capitalization indicates a CocaCola addiction.

Pot is light years away from cocaine.

[BlackDahlia]

Anonymous wrote:It's kind of funny that your capitalization indicates a CocaCola addiction.

Pot is light years away from cocaine.

Yeah but OPs DH is a recovering cocaine addict.