Crunched in the sandwich

[Anonymous]

So my mom has Altheimzer's and i have 3 kids (oldest is 6). I am finding it really hard to balance their care with hers. We are fortunate to be able to hire care for her (she is resistant to an assistant living facility) but she spends 3 days a week with us and I find myself yelling a lot more at the kids when she is around because their normal energy level - and noise level- makes her anxious and irritable. Are there others dealing with this too? How do you balance and prioritize needs? I just finished my days with her and put kids to bed and distressing with a glass of wine but any and all suggestions or sharing of stories welcome!

[Anonymous]

Had my mom in the hospital recently and maybe felt similarly. Guilt for not taking more care of her or spending more time with her in the hospital and during recovery, but some resentment (I'm not proud of) because I just wanted to focus on my breastfeeding toddler. I feel like I'm not ready for my mom to be needy yet as I'm just finding my footing as a parent.

Alzheimer's is tough. No great advice, just empathy. Could your kids play outside to burn energy and lower the noise level? Do you have a friend or neighbor who you could trade afternoons with, so the kids could go over there to give you some quiet time with mom? Are the three days a week your choice, her choice, or the facility's choice? Maybe taking a week off where you just visit her but she doesn't spend the whole day with you could help you regroup.

[Anonymous]

Can you afford to hire a mother's helper on the three days that you have your mother visiting, even if it is only for a half day? If you had an extra set of hands that could help make the kids lunch or run an errand or even just watch the kids for 5 minutes while you tend to your mother, you might find it helps you with the stress. Honestly, being caretaker to 4 other individuals who all need some support can be difficult.

[Anonymous]

Search for organizations that specialize in Alzheimer's caregiving - they will have tips and suggestions for managing the crunch. Also consider respite care if you reach a limit. It's a long road. Courage to you for taking it.

[Anonymous]

No advice, but I hear you. My parents and their recurrent crises stress me out way more than the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my mom has Altheimzer's and i have 3 kids (oldest is 6). I am finding it really hard to balance their care with hers. We are fortunate to be able to hire care for her (she is resistant to an assistant living facility) but she spends 3 days a week with us and I find myself yelling a lot more at the kids when she is around because their normal energy level - and noise level- makes her anxious and irritable. Are there others dealing with this too? How do you balance and prioritize needs? I just finished my days with her and put kids to bed and distressing with a glass of wine but any and all suggestions or sharing of stories welcome!

Eventually you're not going to be able to care for her; your kids will need the real attention and nurturing and she will just need comforting measures. People can go on this way for YEARS-- brain is gone but the heart and lungs are fine. Something will have to give and it can't be your children. My grandmother was resistant to assisted living for years and now after a major medical emergency, she has no choice (and she had no say in where she ended up, either).