MIL shopaholic, spoiling my daughter. What to do?

[cathcole]

I really need some advice on how to handle a tricky family situation. The background: my daughter is my MIL's only grandchild. There will not be others as we are having just the one and my husband has no siblings. My husband and I are both very committed to keeping our daughter as unspoiled as possible, particularly when it comes to material things - toys, clothes, etc. - especially since she won't be sharing anything at home.

My MIL is the biggest shopaholic I've ever met. She simply doesn't seem to be able to help herself. Prior to our daughter being born, she bought her an incredible amount of stuff. Literally an entire room full of stuff. I chalked it up to her being super excited about the impending birth. Except that it never stopped. We asked her to stop. We told her we have a small house, we couldn't possible use everything she was buying, we wanted to be the ones to buy our daughter's Christmas/Easter/Valentine's Day outfits, stocking, basket, etc, etc, etc. She would bring new clothes and toys and baby stuff every week. After almost a year of this, she and I finally had WWIII over it because I felt like she was completely disrespecting me. My husband is on my page, but it's also his mom so obviously he gives her more leeway than I would. After she and I had the huge blowup, which my husband took part in, she finally got it and stopped the spree.

Fast forward the better part of a year, and she asks if she could buy a few outfits for the fall since my daughter was going to preschool. We said ok, she clearly has understood where we are coming from and will temper her shopping, so sure. What a mistake. This has turned into more and more stuff to where she doesn't ask anymore and just buys and buys and buys. We are back to new outfits and toys almost every week (she lives locally and visits each week). My biggest concern is that my daughter, who is three, is going to start becoming conditioned to expect that when her grandmother comes over she will get new stuff. It's not that big a deal now (and frankly, my daughter isn't very warm towards my MIL, which I'm sure fuels more spending - i.e. buying love) because my daughter doesn't know where her clothes come from, but I'm very concerned about the future and what this teaches her.

I'm pretty sure my MIL knows she's pushing the envelope as last week she gave her two outfits and this week five more, and they were all clearly bought at the same time from the same company. The fact that she didn't give them all at once shows me that she's trying to parcel them out to "get away with it." Also, she mailed the five outfits (along with other stuff), which suggests she probably figures we won't say anything if she's not delivering them in person.

Should I just leave this alone, swallow my objection, and sell or donate the clothes that we don't use and hope my daughter doesn't develop these values? Should I have my husband and I revisit this topic with her - or have him do it alone? Not that it matters, but the clothes are all very high end, and I suppose part of this is the fact that I'm uncomfortable with how much money these outfits cost and that my daughter is a walking advertisement for certain brands with their recognizable logos. It's just not our style, for many reasons.

Sorry for the long post. Any advice would be appreciated. I'm afraid I don't have perspective anymore, I'm just seeing red!

Thanks.

[Anonymous]

The only real problem is, will your MIL need financial help from your husband and yourself, when she is older?

That is one of the factors that will guide your reactions.
If there is such a concern, WWIV is definitely to be scheduled, along with whatever financial sense you can drum into her.

If MIL's retirement is not a problem, then you can either let it go, select the least outrageous outfits for your DD and consign or donate the rest; or (and this is what I would do) tell MIL very clearly that she is only allowed such amount of gifts on such occasions and that any extras will go directly to your favorite charity. And follow through.

[Anonymous]

You are addressing the wrong problem.
The is NOT that your MIL is disrespecting you (that is just a symptom)
It is not that MIL is spoiling your daughter (another symptom)
Your MIL is truly a shop-aholic
She needs therapy, intervention...attack, address it from that angle...and you may get the results that u desire..
but realize that your MIL has a SERIOUS emotional problem...

[Anonymous]

yes, she needs help; frame the discussion from that point of view. And in the meantime, if she insists on spending money, explain to her how putting money towards her granddaughter's college fund would be the most loving thing she could "buy" her.

[Anonymous]

My aunt was like this towards her granddaughters, and they came to expect presents every time they saw her. It really hurt her feelings that they barely said hi before looking for the new toys or games or clothes she had purchased. You can't buy love.

You need to talk to your MIL. Explain that you agreed that she could buy your daughter a few outfits, but she's clearly returned to her old pattern, and you're no more okay with it now than you were before. You tell her that because she can't control herself, you are going to set limits--she can give X number of gifts on X occasions (birthday, Christmas, whatever other holidays you think are reasonable) and aything else, without exception, will be immediately donated. Then do it. Without exception.

If she wants to give, tell her to donate to your daughter's college fund.

Is she an overspender in other areas, or just with respect to her granddaughter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are addressing the wrong problem.
The is NOT that your MIL is disrespecting you (that is just a symptom)
It is not that MIL is spoiling your daughter (another symptom)
Your MIL is truly a shop-aholic
She needs therapy, intervention...attack, address it from that angle...and you may get the results that u desire..
but realize that your MIL has a SERIOUS emotional problem...

Yes! Your MIL is an addict! You may want to talk to a therapist who is trained in dealing with families and addictions because there are steps you can take - but arguing with your MIL is probably not the way to go. Also, you should realize that chances are that addictions of one kind or another run in your dh's family so you will need to be aware of this as your daughter grows up - because she may be genetically predisposed to addictive behavior.

[cathcole]

OP here - thanks, all, for reaffirming what I have thought. I have often wanted to suggest donating to her college fund, but that would never fly. A 529 is not nearly as cute as a dress...or 10 dresses as the case may be.

I ended up sending an email thanking her for her generosity and letting her know that my daughter's closet was at capacity. I also said that we were going to enlist everyone's help in our quest to keep her appreciative of her lovely clothes and toys, and to this end would be asking people to keep gift-giving outside of birthdays and Christmas to an occasional toy, book, outfit, etc. Ironically, we received a second package after I sent the email (that's two in two days for anyone counting) so I felt good about meeting this issue head-on.

I felt like that was fair - not cutting it off completely but keeping it reasonable. I don't have any grand illusions that this will work, but I feel like it's at least laying the groundwork in as much of a non-confrontational way as possible. I can always refer back to something in print to underscore our request.

I don't expect to get a response, but my daughter's birthday is in a couple of weeks so we will see her then at the very least.

Thank you for your feedback and for letting me know that I'm not being petty and nit-picky!

[Anonymous]

"My aunt was like this towards her granddaughters, and they came to expect presents every time they saw her. It really hurt her feelings that they barely said hi before looking for the new toys or games or clothes she had purchased. You can't buy love."

Same situation in my family. Very sad.

[Anonymous]

cathcole wrote:OP here - thanks, all, for reaffirming what I have thought. I have often wanted to suggest donating to her college fund, but that would never fly. A 529 is not nearly as cute as a dress...or 10 dresses as the case may be.

I ended up sending an email thanking her for her generosity and letting her know that my daughter's closet was at capacity. I also said that we were going to enlist everyone's help in our quest to keep her appreciative of her lovely clothes and toys, and to this end would be asking people to keep gift-giving outside of birthdays and Christmas to an occasional toy, book, outfit, etc. Ironically, we received a second package after I sent the email (that's two in two days for anyone counting) so I felt good about meeting this issue head-on.

I felt like that was fair - not cutting it off completely but keeping it reasonable. I don't have any grand illusions that this will work, but I feel like it's at least laying the groundwork in as much of a non-confrontational way as possible. I can always refer back to something in print to underscore our request.

I don't expect to get a response, but my daughter's birthday is in a couple of weeks so we will see her then at the very least.

Thank you for your feedback and for letting me know that I'm not being petty and nit-picky!

Has anyone tried talking to MIL about her shopping problem?
Approach from an angle about being concerned about her finances and that she is happy...and not stressed for money and finds happiness in something besides shopping...
anyone just have an honest conversation with her...
calling a thing a thing?

[Anonymous]

I know people who are addicted to shopping, it's a horrible issue for anyone near them.

Let me say this. The only way to remedy the issue in your situation is to tell your MIL face to face that she is destroying your daughter's future by treating her like this.

Parents are to raise their children so they are prepared for the future. Unless your MIL will be alive for the rest of your daughter's life, your MIL is not helping. That's the flat out truth.