Step-sister has Rescue Syndrome

[Anonymous]

As a disclaimer I have no intention of getting involved in this situation in any way, shape or form. I am curious if you or someone you knew well was engaged to someone when you were young (early twenties) and broke it off before the marriage - how did you come to that decision?

My step-sister is 23. She had lots of health problems as a child and was very much babied and over protected due to her health. She still talks and acts very young for her age. She had more health problems near the end of high school that required surgery so she deferred college for a year. Her health improved and she started working in retail and has worked there since (didn't go back to school). She lives at home with her mom and step dad and is very dependent on them. She is a very sweet, wonderful young lady with a heart of gold. She is very much a 'rescuer' - always saving a stray animal, or helping friends out of binds, loaning money, etc...

Two years ago she met a man fifteen years her senior, he was sitting on a park bench feeding birds and she was walking through the park on her lunch break. He has some significant mental health problems and if you were to see him on the street you would think he was homeless due to his unkempt appearance, wild hair and beard and general appearance. When you speak with him you can tell he is an intelligent person although he struggles socially. He is also seemingly a very gentle and caring soul, albeit unwell. For reasons unknown to anyone but them they started dating and are now engaged (getting married in Sept). Her friends and immediate family have also gently talked to her about whether or not she really thinks this is the right decision and her answers are that he needs her, and treats her so well and they are in love.

As I said I am not looking to get involved, but to try and understand how this unfolds and if there is any possibility she will change her mind. It is so hard to see this going well and I think her personality is getting her up for pain in this situation. If you know others who were in relationships that really made no sense...did one of the parties come to their senses at some point? Did the marriage go ahead and was it successful? Do you think her parents should be more direct and really outline what she is getting herself into?

[Anonymous]

First, I think it is very wise of you to not interfere, unless there is immediate danger to your sister.

Second, I was a very little bit like her... that is, my parents took care of my every need and I lived in a bubble (was not allowed to go out, was dissuaded from having friends, etc). That I was immature at 19 when I met future DH would be putting it mildly.

So I met DH, 18 years older than me, during an internship. Brilliant academically and Asperger's-like. Dated then got married at 23, despite parental misgivings.

Grad school while being married then pregnant was quite the reality check!!! It nearly led to divorce.
Here is what made me stay:
1. he loves me
2. he makes adequate money and is practically always employable (some spells of unemployment due to his inability to understand non-verbal cues)
3. he is never boring! Always has an out-of-the-box take on current events, and is nearly always proved right about it.

So stand back and observe, OP.
If they break up, help her see why and how it might be easier to choose a different personality next time.
If they don't, maybe my story will help you come to terms with it.

I understand that being on the sidelines is very difficult - it must have been for my parents. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, I think it is very wise of you to not interfere, unless there is immediate danger to your sister.

Second, I was a very little bit like her... that is, my parents took care of my every need and I lived in a bubble (was not allowed to go out, was dissuaded from having friends, etc). That I was immature at 19 when I met future DH would be putting it mildly.

So I met DH, 18 years older than me, during an internship. Brilliant academically and Asperger's-like. Dated then got married at 23, despite parental misgivings.

Grad school while being married then pregnant was quite the reality check!!! It nearly led to divorce.
Here is what made me stay:
1. he loves me
2. he makes adequate money and is practically always employable (some spells of unemployment due to his inability to understand non-verbal cues)
3. he is never boring! Always has an out-of-the-box take on current events, and is nearly always proved right about it.

So stand back and observe, OP.
If they break up, help her see why and how it might be easier to choose a different personality next time.
If they don't, maybe my story will help you come to terms with it.

I understand that being on the sidelines is very difficult - it must have been for my parents. Good luck.

OT but can you give some examples?

[Anonymous]

Meeting someone brilliant but eccentric at an internship is one thing; meeting a homeless-appearing person feeding birds at a park bench is quite another. This is not going to end well. Does your step-sister plan on starting a family with this man? Your family needs to stop enabling your sister and get serious about dissuading her from marrying this man until they know much more about him. For example, what is his mental state, how is he supporting himself, how much will they be relying on her parents for financial support, etc. This is not some homeless puppy she brought home. My sister sounds just like yours and is still living at home at 52 after several failed relationships with poor older men. She ended up getting pregnant with one and the other tried to access her bank accounts. If she insists on marrying this man, make sure the parents have him sign a pre-nup.

[Anonymous]

Show her the science re APA and mental illness, which it sounds like he already suffers from. This cannot be a good match to create healthy offspring to be raised in a stable environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Show her the science re APA and mental illness, which it sounds like he already suffers from. This cannot be a good match to create healthy offspring to be raised in a stable environment.

PP, please give more details on this science.

[Anonymous]

Ask your parents to put money in trust for her education. Realistically, she's going to need a wake up call sooner or later. A starter marriage or even a bad marriage is not going to kill her.

They should be pushing her towards college asap.