know-it-all parents
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Anonymous
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For as long as I can remember, my parents have always been very difficult, know-it-all types. If any of their children disagree with them or decide to take a route they do not favor, they will pretty much browbeat their kids until their kids see things their way. A typical conversation goes like this:
Me: I’m buying a new computer. Parents: What’s wrong with the one you have? Me: It’s slow and outdated. Parents: XXX’s son works for Best Buy. He can get you a good deal on a PC. Me: I’m looking to get a Mac. Parents: We’d never buy one of those. Too expensive. Get a PC. They’re good machines. I’ll talk to XXX tomorrow. Me: I don’t want a PC. It doesn’t meet my needs. Parents (faces scrunched up in disgust): You’re gonna throw money out the window. You know nothing about buying computers. Don’t waste your money. Don’t be stupid. We can help you on this if you need. We’ll pay half… Me: I don’t need your money. Parents: It’s a gift… This weekend, they’re coming to visit us. They’ve been visiting more since we had our baby and usually every visit culminates in some kind of intrusion and criticism. There was the accusation that our infant car seat in my father’s words is a piece of crap and we should have asked him for advice. There was a whole to-do over the car we chose to buy (why oh why did you buy something used!? We would have helped you buy a brand NEW car for the baby!!) And now, our decision to buy a house is forefront in their minds. No matter what we say, it’s wrong. We want a condo, they think that’s not good enough and that we should invest in a “real” stand-alone home like they have and like what I grew up in. Honestly, I don’t think DH likes these people. He’s never said so, and he’s tolerated them with as much politeness and graciousness. We have a policy of basically he handles his parents and I handle mine. I’ve told them time and time again that we will make whatever decisions we need to make as a couple and will seek out their thoughts if we feel we need to, but please stop offering unsolicited advice. At this point, I want to reduce contact but I know they love the baby. I just wish they’d leave us alone to make our own choices and shut the hell up already. |
Anonymous
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OP, have you ever told them as much?
Another option is to respond in a way that shuts them down. Parents: Why did you buy that POS used car? You: We're happy with our decision. What would you like for dinner? Parents: You should be buying a house at your age. You: We're happy with our decision on where we live. What would you like for dinner? Repeat.. |
Anonymous
Tried that. Never works. These are people who when they lock on something and want their way, forget it. The roof could cave in and they'd still stay on topic. Based on past experiences, they'd just accuse me of trying to change the subject. |
Anonymous
| why share that stuff with them, you are bringing it up so they pay attention to you -you crave the attention, simple as that. |
Anonymous
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Be direct. Tell them you don't want unsolicited advice and if they don't like that, then you simply won't involve them in your life.
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Anonymous
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My in-laws are like this, but probably to a lesser degree than OP's parents.
The worst part is one of their kids asks their advice on everything and generally follows it. We always get compared unfavorably to them. The worst years of our relationship were right after my oldest was born. My MIL was determined to intrude on any and all decisions I was making. Things are so much better now. |
Anonymous
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16:46 here again.
You're an adult. You don't have to spend time with them. If they make you and your husband uncomfortable, the next time they want to visit, tell them you're busy. It does seem like you're enabling their behavior. |
Anonymous
Op here. sigh. yes exactly. U figured me out. You should be given a phd in psych from Harvard NOW. Because I love to fight with elderly people. I don't have enough with an infant. Honest truth. |
Anonymous
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You know they have lived longer and have some wisdom. It's only because they care so much about you that they can't cut the cord.
I think they are right about the condo thing. You'll grow out of one quickly and there's a lot of expense when it comes to moving. |
Anonymous
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Just accept their advice and then don't do it. Get the name of the second cousin once removed from Best Buy and then tell him "Thanks, but I'm buying a Mac, not a PC."
Also, verbally defend your husband to your parents, and the decision you and DH made to your parents. It'll mean a lot to him. |
Anonymous
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My in-laws are a bit like this and after 12 years of marriage, I no longer share anything with them nor solicit an opinion. I am normally known as a cheery, chatty, upbeat person, but not around my in-laws.
My FIL has an odd, strange aversion to hiring anyone to do anything for him; we're talking plumbers, painters, tow truck drivers, ac repair, etc. He once had a very expensive set of golf clubs stolen from his car (MoCo) and refused (!) to call the police because he didn't want to file report and thus, put his neighborhood in a negative light. I now know better than to even mention that we hired someone to haul brush, finish our deck, etc. He goes all ballistic and hyper-critical. Point being. You are going to have to create some distance. Don't share and do not solicit their opinions. |
Anonymous
| It sounds like your only option is to back off, OP, if you've tried various ways to stop it. That may be the only way for them to *hear*--or for you to be able to hear less of the advice/undermining. |
Anonymous
| They just love to thear themselves talk and give advice? Maybe just agree and move on (but don't do it) |
Anonymous
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Try just agreeing with whatever they say.
"Why you'd buy this car? It's a piece of crap!" "Sure is!" "You shouldn't buy a condo." "Nope, that would be a terrible idea!" "You should buy a PC." "You're probably right!" Etc. Then just do whatever you were going to do anyway. |
Anonymous
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