Frustrated with FIL vent

[Anonymous]

DH and I just moved to the same neighborhood as his parents. I love the neighborhood. I love our house. I even love my in-laws. My problem, however, is my overbearing father-in-law.

He is 72 and has an opinion on everything.

I need a painter. He's got a painter (who is S-L-O-W) so I hire someone else. He doesn't like the work they did (it was slow, too, but MUCH better than his painter) and during one of his many drive-by's and visits INTO our home, he actually said something to the painter.

I need a lawn guy. He's got a lawn guy (who doesn't respond to vmail) so I hire someone else. He thinks I'm paying too much because he priced out how much we should be paying with his guy already. Mind you, our lawn is 3x as big as his lawn so I would expect to pay more!

We finally move in and have lots of trash that needs to be hauled away. Since he's retired he's offered to help and I asked - in front of my husband - that he call us anytime he plans to come over because our DS could be sleeping or we (ie: ME) could busy. Did he call today? No. So when the doorbell kept buzzing I went downstairs soaking wet in just a towel (everything is still in boxes) and he freaks out that I could have waited. Um, ringing the doorbell multiple times implied it was urgent. And then when I reiterate to PLEASE CALL IN ADVANCE because the baby is sleeping (thus my only time to bathe!) he said he did and left a message. We've been so busy trying to get moved in we haven't even set up voicemail and have been using our cell phones...and he knows this, so I know he didn't call because he can't leave a message.

I hate to complain to DH about his dad, but I'm going to lose it and certainly don't want to take it out on an old man. Plus, when I put myself in DH's shoes, I wouldn't want to hear him complain about my mother when she's just trying to help.

I think I just needed to vent, but if anyone has a suggestion on how I can improve the situation I would greatly appreciate.

[Anonymous]

One word for you: Boundaries. Meaning put them up NOW. Stop sharing so much with him. He will just try and "help" in his own inconvenient way.

It sounds like you just moved closer to your in-laws. That's great, but it also sounds like your FIL will step over the boundaries of what is ok for him to have an opinion about or help with if given the oppty.

Honestly in situations like this, you have to limit how much "help" you can expect from people like this, because it comes with strings attached, obviously. The only right way to do it is his way.

I know all about this, because my dad is the exact same way. He is 6 hours away, but when he's in town it's a nightmare. He even tries to micro-manage from afar.

Stop asking them for so much "help".--Just go and get your own work people from the start.

As for the unannounced visit, that is your real problem. What does DH say/do about it? He will be the one who needs to have a talk with in-laws about when to come over and that the unannounced visit isn't convenient or acceptable.

[Anonymous]

repeat after me: "We're fine." "We're just settling in." "I'll drop Junior off at your house at 10am" and then go do your own darn thing! That is the beauty of close parents, and that's what I'd do if my totally overbearing parents lived near me--make plans to drop the kids off at THEIR Place and do it yourself or relax BY YOURSELF at your place.

[Anonymous]

he just sounds like a crotchety old guy... don't know that you would ever be able to gently set those boundaries. sounds like he will be offended but i think he would learn to live with it.

[Anonymous]

Take a deep breath.


While some boundary setting may be in order, I'd encourage you not to get too bent out of shape over this. You say you like him. He seems helpful and well intended. But keep in mind, he's 72, and you're not going to change his behavior. it may be that he just has a different idea of how much "help" you can use??

For sake of family peace, put this aside, take a hot bath, and then try to come up with some productive ways to keep him at bay without offending him. I promise there are some. But, as for the advice (grass/painter, etc... ) I think you have to embrace the fact that you may be the recipient of lots of unsolicited advice. I know it can be annoying, but it really doesn't hurt anything. Listen (or pretend to listen) and continue to do what you think is best. That one is a no-brainer. My FIL is similarly a good man, who is a bit of a blow-hard. While I used to get more stressed about it, I now am far more comfortable with how it is. Lower your expectations. Assume that every time you see him, you'll have to listen to one or two stories about the best fix-it man. Its harmless. listen, smile, and move on.

[Anonymous]

My inlaws are local, but thank goodness a 20min drive! When were were househunting, we specifically stayed in another town.

They too can be a bit much. I just do not ask their opinion on things. Because their opinions are very abrasive. I would not engage them on these matters. You can back off and set boundaries witout them even knowing it.