Addressing religious issues with grandparents

[Anonymous]

I am 20 weeks along, FTM. DH and I were both raised in separate variants of the same faith. While I respect some of the principles that my religious upbringing instilled, when it comes to faith in a savior/higher power, neither of us practices or believes. His parents are divorced. His dad (FIL) doesn't really raise religion with us, but his stepmom (SMIL) is very vocal about her beliefs, which extend into social and political opinions at polar opposite with ours. When we visit them, we go to services with them, follow their practices at home (no alcohol, prayer before meals), and do not engage in or religious or political comments when they arise.

I am happy to live and let live as far as religion goes, but now that we are expecting, we wonder whether we will have to address this issue head-on. Last week we received a package of gifts for us and the baby from the ILs (but solely prepared by SMIL, I think). Except for a pair of pacifiers, it all came from a religious store and was religion-themed (books, a stuffed animal that says a prayer, etc). They were all fairly innocuous; while we don't plan on actually using any of them with the baby, we're fine with keeping them around and on display when ILs visit.

Although ILs live a few states away, I expect we will see them 1-2x per year, and they are very excited about being grandparents. SMIL is going to involve religion in her discussions with the baby, there is no way around it because that's what she does with everyone. We don't want to rock the boat too much, nor denigrate someone else's beliefs. But at the same time, we don't want our child to be confused by the different practices in the family, or to be actively proselytized to. DH has never directly told his dad and stepmom "I don't believe the way that you do" or "Religion is not important to me" because it might be very painful for them and/or his stepmom might see it as her mission to convert him/us.

How have those of you whose religious beliefs and practices differ from your parents' or ILs' handled this, in cases where grandparent(s) impose/expect their beliefs on you and your children?

[Anonymous]

Your baby isn't even born yet and you see these people 1-2 times a year? I would put this pretty low on the priority list of things to worry about now.

[Anonymous]

Once your baby is born, everybody is going to want to impose their beliefs about all kinds of stuff on you all the time. So maybe you can think of this as early practice in setting boundaries.

And when your child is older, being able to say "Families are different. That's what they do/believe in their family. This is what we do/believe in our family." will be useful in many situations, including this one.

[Anonymous]

Treat it the same way you'd treat it if someone were a huge Disney buff and you aren't. Take a stuff Daisy duck and give the rest of the stuff to someone else who's into that sort of thing, and tell the people pumping the gifts that "thanks, but we're not looking to raise Larla to get into Disney. She'll go on special holidays, but it won't be our main thing. We're more into Sea World for her."

You may as well do this now. It's either now or later, and if you do it now you won't have to build the pressure knowing it's coming. Do it and get it done with.

[Anonymous]

This will be easier than you think as long as you don't become militant about it. FWIW, I'm catholic and DH is Jewish. We are officially raising the kids catholic (they attend CCD), but we are politically very liberal, so we're supplementing what they learn in CCD with what WE believe (think: nuns on the bus social justice). We celebrate the Jewish holidays with my DHs family, and the kids love it (honestly, so do I). We simply have raised our kids knowing that people have different religious beliefs and traditions, and we respect that. My in-laws give my catholic kids Hanukkah gifts wrapped in Hanukkah paper. And that's cool with me. Life is way too short to get hung up on these little things.

[Anonymous]

I feel your pain. I'm in the same boat except it's my parents who are the religious ones. My mother has become more and more religious as the years pass-- and yup, politics, social issues and all are the focal point of most discussions. I know she wants to be a good grandmother but I will have to draw the line at some point. Now with a grandchild on the way, she's going to be tapping her feet anxiously for a baptism date and then after that insist our kid gets his/her weekly religious ed classes. Luckily, we plan on moving a good distance away in a year or two due to DH's job, so she won't be able to push it much unless she calls us every day (we're free to not listen and tell her dinner's on the table, we must go) or wants to spend a fortune flying across the country to indoctrinate our child. That said, I'd put it all on her. If she feels she needs to send your child religious gifts, so be it-- your child won't even know what this stuff is for years-- but its not your job to ensure your child follows grandma's beliefs to a T.

The fact that you see them only once or twice a year is in your favor, and when you do see them after baby is born and you see your ILs getting out of hand, remind them gently that they are welcome to take your child to church temple or wherever but you'd like to see them cultivate other memories with your child besides religious ones such as taking your child to the park or out for ice cream. Would they want your child to remember grandma as the woman who couldn't stop talking about religion, because that's what will happen, and the result will be a very shallow, narrow relationship. That's the route I'm going to take with my mother if/when she gets out of control with religion. Unfortunately, the "you respect me I respect you line" doesn't work with my mother. Most of what she says regarding religion sounds very scripted, ramblings about eternal life and Christ's love and what not, as if it came straight from a book or last week's homily, and if DC is a smart kid, they'll see right through it.

[Anonymous]

Your thinking about needing to be flexible about this while also setting limits is right on target. I would not address it now if I were you, in part because your baby won't be able to understand this for a while. and also because it would put your SMIL on the defensive. There may come a time that a particular incident requires you to speak up, and it sounds like you would do so firmly but with empathy.

I have a great relationship with my ILs, and they are close with my children. My ILs are evangelical Christians and I am a lapsed Catholic. We don't talk about religion or politics much, and that's how we keep the peace. There are so many other things to talk about...we Washingtonians have to remind ourselves of that sometimes! My in-laws give our kids religious gifts, like children's Bibles, which our kids enjoy. I like that they choose this as the way to share their beliefs with our kids.

I have a zero tolerance policy about all things anti-gay, partly because it's just where I stand and because we have so many friends who are gay, and I do not want my kids' view towards our friends poisoned. So far I have not had to speak up on this issue because my in-laws have not discussed their views on the matter with my kids. I expect them to be respectful about my few non-negotiables, and they are.

It would be nice if you let your SMIL talk with your child as he/she grows up about the basic tenets and texts of her faith. But when it comes to how people choose to apply ancient texts to modern day social and political issues, your SMIL can keep her thoughts to herself.

[Anonymous]

It will come up early re: baptism, naming ceremony, bris, etc. After you cross that bridge you will be in the clear for awhile. It depends on how religious she is and how hard she pushes. If you and DH don't have any objection to a baby ceremony you are probably ok for a while and pp suggestions are good ones. If not, stand your ground early. You can be respectful as long as she is.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the thoughtful replies! We never bring up religion or politics ourselves with ILs, and FIL can sense that our opinions differ and doesn't do so either. But SMIL either can't help herself or sees it as her duty; I'm not sure which. I am happy to go along with their practices when at their home, and with innocuous stuff like the baby gifts, and the frequent texts about how they're praying for us. I just anticipate that there might be some more heavy-handed comments too unless we are clear that it's not our interest.

The zero-tolerance suggestion is a good reminder. I feel very strongly the same way, that derogatory remarks about being gay or of a different ethnic background are absolutely out of bounds. She's not virulent about that stuff but it does slip out sometimes, so I need to make sure DH is ready to speak up if/when needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel very strongly the same way, that derogatory remarks about being gay or of a different ethnic background are absolutely out of bounds. She's not virulent about that stuff but it does slip out sometimes, so I need to make sure DH is ready to speak up if/when needed.

I'd have a very difficult time stopping myself from telling her that if heaven is filled with people like her I'd rather take my chances in hell.