Is this considered physical abuse?

[Anonymous]

My husband and I have been on the rocks. Last night (2:30 am) we were drunk (him more than I) and after coming home and relieving the sitter we got into a fight. He started following me around the room in an intimidating fashion. I was afraid and told him 'if you touch me I will kill you.' He get incredibly angry that I made that comment. I said I was leaving. As I was walking out the door come from behind and wraps his hands around my waist and lifts me up and drags my back to the living room. I scream 'let me go' multiple times. He lets me go and I try to leave again. He does the same, this time I'm a step outside the apartment door. He lifts me up and drags me back throwing me on the couch. I attempt again, he picks me up near the front door and drags me back and throws me on the floor.

I finally manage to get out and a neighbor comes out asking if I'm ok. I bolt down the stairs ignoring her.

This is the first time something of this nature has happened in our 8 years together. He says he was black out drunk. I told him its over. Divorce.

Is that physical? How do you categorize it? Do I tell anyone? Do I talk to my neighbor that saw me?

[Anonymous]

First of all, it sounds like both of you need to refrain from drinking alcohol if that is how it makes you act.

[Anonymous]

Is it a pattern? If this is the first time in 8 years, I would say his behavior is not acceptable but it is not a use. If there were a pattern of such behavior, then yes, I would say abuse.

[Anonymous]

I might put into the category of situational domestic violence, though.

[Anonymous]

Op here. He rarely drinks. I do drink more but I am not violent or verbally abusive. He is verbally and emotionally abusive without alcohol.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Threatening to kill him? That's assault. It's also highly provocative. Watch it or you will both face legal charges. As for what he did, not sure what it constitutes but obviously it's not good. If you divorce, incidents like this will not give you an upperhand in negotiations, if that's one of your reasons for asking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Threatening to kill him? That's assault. It's also highly provocative. Watch it or you will both face legal charges. As for what he did, not sure what it constitutes but obviously it's not good. If you divorce, incidents like this will not give you an upperhand in negotiations, if that's one of your reasons for asking.

Op here -- verbal assault with words versus him physically restraining me and throwing my on the ground? I don't know. I was provocative, yes, but I was being intimidated. I just don't know what to make of this. I'm not looking to make this evidence or anything. I just don't know what to make of it and now my neighbor overheard this I'm at a loss of what to do.

[Anonymous]

Yeah - I'd say you were just as bad. You ran out of the house leaving your kids with this guy that was "black-out" drunk? I'd say you have the problem - you needing to leave the house because he's following you around in an intimidating fashion? What were you worried about that you had to leave? if you needed to remove yourself from the fight - that usually indicates that you're worried about what you will do if you stay or what he will do. And why didn't you have the same concern for your kids?

[Anonymous]

pp here again - I just saw your post. If you're at a loss what to do - get yourself in anger management classes.

[Anonymous]

I don't know what planet the previous posters are on. Yes, it's abuse to be "thrown" against your will.

[Anonymous]

Physical abuse. You need to separate immediately based on this and past emotional and verbal abuse. I'm in couples therapy right now and just learned that the emotional abuse are more damaging to one's psyche than physical, which I never thought about. You may also be doing the abusing, but the bottom line is you two at the very least need a time out and therapy.

Oh, and try not to second guess whether or not this was abuse. It was. Memories begin to fade and confusion and self doubt creep in. Please don't let that stop you from seeking time apart and professional help.

Good luck. Stay strong.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thank you. We are in couples counseling. He is in individual therapy. We are not technically separated. We are emotionally separated after I found out about a long term affair he had. Thanks for your viewpoints. I do not feel right staying at home right now. I do not believe the kids are in danger but I'm not blind, there's is damage they have and will suffer with this situation. It's a slippery slope.

[Anonymous]

OP - Threatening to kill someone is verbal assault. Even if he was intimidating you. Sorry but if that shows up in court records, the judge will not look at you in the same light if you had used different language, like stop, please stop, please leave me alone. Advice: Do not threaten him again. Ask him to stop, etc. But cut the threats, whether it's to kill or hit, whatever.

Of course what he did was physical assault. Both are taken seriously. It's not a contest of who's more wrong than the other. You can't control him, but you can control yourself.

[Anonymous]

I hope you guys did not drive drunk.

[Anonymous]

It's toxic all the way around. Him just holding you, not letting you go somewhere, is false imprisonment. He takes one step doing that and it's technically kidnapping. Wouldn't make it through court, but I wanted you to know "all" those actions are wrong and dysfunctional.

But your telling him you will kill him is bad, too. Not acceptable for any reason.