Not a very fun birthday

[Anonymous]

Today was my birthday and my husband didn't say happy birthday, didn't kiss me, nothing. We went to my folks for dinner and he was nice enough while we were there, but when we got home he went down to the basement to watch the tube and didn't even look up when I went down to tell him I was going to bed. I was hoping he would come up to bed with me, talk to me, or at least acknowledge my presence with some eye contact. He will probably sleep down there. I came up to bed and cried for an hour.

We got into an argument this morning. I got over it and made it clear that I was no longer angry. I never tried to talk to him about it again, because I'm tired of always being the one after an argument to say let's talk and get this out in the open and move on. Maybe he's still angry about this morning's argument. I thought it had blown over. I guess I don't have any questions that need to be answered. I'm just sad and a little bit lonely. I wish he'd put some effort into today.

[Anonymous]

Aw.

I'm sorry your birthday wasn't better. That sucks.

I hope tomorrow is better to make up for it.

men.

[Anonymous]

Sorry. Sounds like he is a control freak and mental abuser. Sorry if this sounds harsh but goodness, it was your birthday. I would have some serious problems dealing with this kind of behavior from anyone that "loves" me.

[Anonymous]

Is it just today, or is he often like this?

[Anonymous]

w/o any other context this sounds really cruel. this is not normal and you should not think of it as normal. i hope you have someone close to you or a professional that can provide you some support. Happy Belated Birthday

[Anonymous]

Sorry this happened to you. Sounds like my husband. Generally pretty nice but everything is all about his point of view and it is always me making the first move to make up. Wish I had a solution or words of wisdome for you (and me).

[Anonymous]

I've been thinking about it all morning, and here's what I've come up with. He's not a mean person, but he IS immature. He is not like this every day, but he is always like this when we have conflict. If we get into an argument it's like it's the end of the world. To him, an argument means I don't like him and I might leave him. To me, an argument means one of us is unhappy with something, or stressed about something, and we need to talk about it. When arguments happen, he closes up and won't talk. Later he'll go on a cleaning frenzy for a few hours, I think to show me that he's trying to put something into the relationship. Normally, I approach him after an argument and try to get him to discuss so we can reach a compromise, or we can apologize, or say whatever needs to be said calmly. Yesterday I didn't do that so he didn't know what to do.

He is so averse to conflict that he won't ever say when something is making him unhappy, and won't ever speak up for himself. Example - when we go somewhere we always end up going to a restaurant I picked, or to see a movie I picked. This is because when I ask him what he wants to do he says "I don't want to pick, I'm happy doing whatever you want to do." After a few years of this he gets really mad one day that "we never do what he wants." I had no idea this was making him mad because he never once said "I want to do X tonight." And even when he got mad about it, I had to be the one to drag the conversation out of him. It's like dealing with a kid who is angry but doesn't know how to express it.

I am the only serious relationship he's ever had, unless you count one girl friend in high school. So before me he really didn't have any adult relationship experience. I thought by now, after 8 years of marriage, that he would have learned to handle conflict better. It is kind of cruel that he acted like this on my birthday, and I suppose I should bring it up tonight but I'm really so tired of being the one who always does that.

It sounds like a Friends episode. I'm Monica and he's Chandler.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. Sounds painful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been thinking about it all morning, and here's what I've come up with. He's not a mean person, but he IS immature. He is not like this every day, but he is always like this when we have conflict. If we get into an argument it's like it's the end of the world. To him, an argument means I don't like him and I might leave him. To me, an argument means one of us is unhappy with something, or stressed about something, and we need to talk about it. When arguments happen, he closes up and won't talk. Later he'll go on a cleaning frenzy for a few hours, I think to show me that he's trying to put something into the relationship. Normally, I approach him after an argument and try to get him to discuss so we can reach a compromise, or we can apologize, or say whatever needs to be said calmly. Yesterday I didn't do that so he didn't know what to do.

He is so averse to conflict that he won't ever say when something is making him unhappy, and won't ever speak up for himself. Example - when we go somewhere we always end up going to a restaurant I picked, or to see a movie I picked. This is because when I ask him what he wants to do he says "I don't want to pick, I'm happy doing whatever you want to do." After a few years of this he gets really mad one day that "we never do what he wants." I had no idea this was making him mad because he never once said "I want to do X tonight." And even when he got mad about it, I had to be the one to drag the conversation out of him. It's like dealing with a kid who is angry but doesn't know how to express it.

I am the only serious relationship he's ever had, unless you count one girl friend in high school. So before me he really didn't have any adult relationship experience. I thought by now, after 8 years of marriage, that he would have learned to handle conflict better. It is kind of cruel that he acted like this on my birthday, and I suppose I should bring it up tonight but I'm really so tired of being the one who always does that.

It sounds like a Friends episode. I'm Monica and he's Chandler.

I posted earlier about your husband sounding like mine. After reading this post, I think we are married to the same person. Immature is the perfect way to describe him. But, try telling him that! Sometimes I feel like I am walking on egg shells around him because the slightest thing can set him up for a tantrum. I hope someone comes thru with a solution.......

[Anonymous]

I see a lot of my husband here, too.

One thing that actually worked was using the phrase "walking on eggshells". I don't think he realized that I was being sensitive. Or maybe I'm just no good at it.

Also, I told him once that it was like living with my mother again. (A very touchy, defensive woman-- anything sets her off.) That got him thinking, 'cause he can't stand her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:w/o any other context this sounds really cruel. this is not normal and you should not think of it as normal. i hope you have someone close to you or a professional that can provide you some support. Happy Belated Birthday

So sorry OP. That is just mean and it hurts no matter what. My dh never gets gifts or cards for special days. It sucks but he is not a bad guy so I let it go. He is just not thoughtful in that way.

Go treat yourself to something special or take the day off to relax.

[Anonymous]

OP - do you have kids? Something is really up if he acts this way without any kids in the picture. (and you should address before having any)

Also sounds like assumption of mind reading is in play here (on both sides). It isn't an argument but he needs to know how you feel. Maybe he is depressed??? He sounds like he is some kind of pain as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go treat yourself to something special or take the day off to relax.

You know what, I will take the day off. I'm home on maternity leave and I was going to spend my down time straightening up, finishing up the laundry and doing some filing. Until I went downstairs to get the laundry DH did during his cleaning frenzy yesterday and discovered he did 2 loads of laundry but only did his own stuff. This means he picked through the sorted laundry in order to just get his stuff out, because our clothes were all mixed together! Aaaaargh!

So for the rest of today, except for when I'm playing with or feeding the baby, I'm going to lay on the couch and read a book. And nap.

Thanks everyone. - OP