strategies to help siblings be nicer to each other

[Anonymous]

My 10 yr old DD and 7 yr old DS constantly fight. It is driving me insane. I feel like a policewoman, constantly being called upon to mediate their fights, which typically end with someone in tears. They are both to blame, in my opinion. What strategies have you found that help siblings get along better? Thanks in advance.

[Anonymous]

Ugh...When you find out, let me know. I'm getting it from all sides (children are 17, 13, 10 & 4).

[Anonymous]

Ugh -- our kids are in HS and college now, so we are finally past that, but I remember how awful it was. I know people suggest many different ways of intervening. We tried some of these techniques, but, couldn't hit on anything that resulted in consistent improvement. Also, quite frankly, implementing these strategies was so much work. An example: Sunday's NYT included a column that suggested separating the kids, then asking each child to come up with 3 acceptable alternatives to resolve the disagreement, then bringing them back together to discuss the alternatives and come to agreement on 1. Oh, Lord, at that point would you even remember what they were fighting about?

The one thing I can identify that really helped bring an end to the fighting is that the kids share a hobby -- skiing -- which requires them to cooperate. They're very good skiers -- better than DH and me, so they have been skiing together since the youngest was in middle school. They were forced to rely on each other to solve problems and accomplish their goals. This kindled mutual respect and created a lot of shared memories.

So, we now have heartwarming moments like this:

older sib at college texts younger sib to wish her "happy sibling day"
younger sib responds: "that's tomorrow"
older sib: "no, it's not"
younger sib: "yes, it is" . . . . . .

Oh, well, at least I can't hear the texts.

[Anonymous]

There's a chapter in "Nurture Shock" about this--though I think a lot of the research was about younger kids and it's been a while since I read it.

I think the general gist was that preventing conflict is more successful than resolving conflict. So it's critical to give them positive experiences together, and ones where the older one is not always better/bossier/etc. Sounds similar to the skiing story the pp mentioned.

[Anonymous]

I found a book called Sibling Rivalry to be very helpful. The main idea is for the parents to find time to spend on-on-one with each child doing something that that particular child likes. It mainly tries to show that sibling rivalry is really fighting for the parent's attention/approval. It's an interesting read and has a lot of good advice.

[Anonymous]

Good luck. I am in 40s and have never gotten along with my sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh -- our kids are in HS and college now, so we are finally past that, but I remember how awful it was. I know people suggest many different ways of intervening. We tried some of these techniques, but, couldn't hit on anything that resulted in consistent improvement. Also, quite frankly, implementing these strategies was so much work. An example: Sunday's NYT included a column that suggested separating the kids, then asking each child to come up with 3 acceptable alternatives to resolve the disagreement, then bringing them back together to discuss the alternatives and come to agreement on 1. Oh, Lord, at that point would you even remember what they were fighting about?

The one thing I can identify that really helped bring an end to the fighting is that the kids share a hobby -- skiing -- which requires them to cooperate. They're very good skiers -- better than DH and me, so they have been skiing together since the youngest was in middle school. They were forced to rely on each other to solve problems and accomplish their goals. This kindled mutual respect and created a lot of shared memories.

So, we now have heartwarming moments like this:

older sib at college texts younger sib to wish her "happy sibling day"
younger sib responds: "that's tomorrow"
older sib: "no, it's not"
younger sib: "yes, it is" . . . . . .

Oh, well, at least I can't hear the texts.

Thanks for the chuckle - and good advice.

[Anonymous]

Siblings Without Rivalry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Siblings Without Rivalry.

+1000 This will solve most issues if you follow thru with it. Made the biggest difference for us - our kids are truly good friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Siblings Without Rivalry.

which is a bunch of hooey. don't waste your time with this drivel, op.

[Anonymous]

We use the plan laid out in the book The Well Behaved Child.
They get 3 warnings, each with a 15 minute time out and then sent to their room for the rest of the day with an early bed time.
They don't have tv's or computers in their rooms but I usually send one of them to the guest room, which is very boring.

[Anonymous]

You gotta keep'em separated.



No really - they need some time apart. They need their own lives. They need to NOT spend too much time together.

[Anonymous]

Our 7 and 9 year old boys seem to go in rhythms. Sometimes they are great together and sometimes they hate each other. It's quite sad at times because the 7 year old really looks up to his big bro. This comes with the territory for most families though, although I know a lucky few with siblings that get along exceptionally well.

Like a PP said, we try to give each child their own space and time with us as parents. We also make it a point to make positive statements whenever we see them working and playing together.

[Anonymous]

I don't mean this to sound self congratulatory. I have pretty strained relationships with all my siblings and I don't think any of us would turn to each other for support now that we're adults - that makes me sad. I do not want that for my kids. My DS (12) and DD (10) are really each others best friends. I make a point of noticing the smallest kind gesture they show each other and I repeatedly tell them it makes me so happy to see how well they treat and support each other. Of course they have their spats, but when they do and I say how sad/disappointed it makes me to see they aren't being kind that generally resolves it without getting into the nitty gritty. I think it helps they are of opposite gender and they are generally such easy kids.