Getting comfortable with money when you don't come from money

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I get it. I grew up poor -- dirt roads and mustard sandwiches poor -- and now have more money than I ever could have dreamt of. I had the same concern that my children would not know the value of hard work and ethics and looked for the same advice about becoming comfortable with money management that you are now seeking. Years ago, I found a book written by a SF area psychologist about this very subject. I wish I could remember the title or author but it escapes me. It was really helpful with my own adjustment as well as providing guidance as to how to approach child rearing. So I guess my best advice is to try to find a neutral, objective source of guidance whether it be a book, financial planner or some other counselor. You and your spouse worked hard for this and the next step is to manage it. No guilt, no preach involved.

[Anonymous]

You don't sound uncomfortable with money to me at all.

The truly wealthy plan. They don't buy a 3M house because they can afford it. If you are anxious about spending 3M on a house, there is likely a good reason for that anxiety. Have you considered the carrying costs of the home? Written out repairs and replacements for the first five years? Is this something that you really want and would use? If yes, then you can afford it, so buy it. If not, then figure out if this is a commitment you really want to make.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I grew up very middle class with parents who were always saving for something and rarely spent money on themselves. We started making "upper income" incomes in our late 30's but we weren't comfortable living to that income but we were very comfortable saving a lot of money. For a long time we lived in a very nice upper middle income neighborhood even though we could have spent much more but we were comfortable, happy and we didn't want to live a lifestyle that our children might never see again. Our children are now in their 30's and we are retired with a very high net worth and while we have two nice homes it's just not in our DNA to really indulge ourselves with fancy cars etc. What's been great for us is that our savings mentality means we have never worried about money when it came to things like paying for college or retirement.

[Anonymous]

Op, I grew up much much poorer than you and my parents didn't stress about money. They are much richer now and so am I and we still don't stress about money. All our lives we concentrating on doing things and experiences. Money was and is just to pay for things but it should not overtake ones life. Your kids don't need to know how much you have, but you'd rather keep money on the background. There is no reason to think that they will think money grows on the trees, but they might wonder why you talk about money so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't sound uncomfortable with money to me at all.

The truly wealthy plan. They don't buy a 3M house because they can afford it. If you are anxious about spending 3M on a house, there is likely a good reason for that anxiety. Have you considered the carrying costs of the home? Written out repairs and replacements for the first five years? Is this something that you really want and would use? If yes, then you can afford it, so buy it. If not, then figure out if this is a commitment you really want to make.

Sometimes the childhood memories/psychology is the cause for all of the anxiety. I grew up immigrant poor but my husband did not.
Now we have 2 homes, no debt of any kind/mortgages and DH wants to upgrade primary home (from 2.5 M home to the $5-6+ or more kind). I have massive anxiety and have been delaying for the last year+. It is not about carrying costs (we can pay for it without debt and carrying costs are minimal for maintenance and taxes from my husband's perspective) - it's about the childhood mental memories of losing everything. Some things no amount of "planning" will overcome. Sometimes it's not just about whether you can afford it.