Why are people so whiny about chores on here? I don't get it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. So what I've noticed is a lot of women saying their husbands work SUCH demanding "high powered" jobs (hate that phrase btw, it sounds really stupid) that they cannot be expected to ever take a kid sick day, snow day, or lift a finger at home.

I find this hard to believe because even though my husband is in a well paid profession (finance - he makes around 850k now), as he's gotten more senior, his hours have *really* scaled back. A lot of it has to do with better technology but also being able to delegate certain bitch work tasks. He's home by 6 every night, minimal travel, and flexible hours. Today he's leaving at 9 to take one of our kids to the doctor because I have an appointment elsewhere.

I'm 38, he's 39 so we're around the age as most people on here who have kids.

NP here. Well, my husband makes a fraction of what yours makes ($150k) and is the second senior person in his office, but thanks to it being a government job with lots of budget cuts and hiring freezes, he has almost no one under him to do the bitch work tasks, as you put it. So if DH doesn't do the work, then it doesn't get done. As he's gotten more senior, his hours have increased and gotten less flexible. (Yes, he's looking for other jobs.) Since he's in legislative work, it's not easy for him to take off unplanned days BUT he's able to plan and take off the week at spring break, the 3 weeks in the summer we don't have child care, the week at Thanksgiving, and the two weeks at winter break. And, he does almost all the housework. But really, not everyone who is senior has less to do, and especially not at $850k a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our parents in many cases worked fewer hours, had shorter commutes, and more family help. They were probably in better shape too, so more energetic.

Oh yeah, AND parenting is much more involved. The culture is to spend more quality time with your kids playing and reading and taking them to activities. Rather than brushing them off so you can clean.

That's the fun stuff everyone should want to do though. If you don't want to read to your kids or play a game with them, that's a problem.

clean after they go to bed.

What are your work hours like? Many, many people with more demanding jobs do more work after the kids go to bed. It's not just being lazy.

Exactly! I log back on from 8:30-11 or 12. The last thing I want to do is prep for dinner that I then scramble to make when I rush home the next day. DH cleans after kidbedtime but he also logsback on. Then I get up 1-2x with a baby. F yea I’m looking to outsource as much chore work as possible and maximize time with kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't whine about it, but it's true that standards have changed from my parent's generation to now. My parent's were not driving me around to a bunch of places for activities. Our activity was playing outside with our friends. In fact, expectations around parent involvement with kids has skyrocketed. I also think expectations around what kind of meals is appropriate to serve and how clean the house is supposed to be have increased. Also, expectations about what kids are supposed to do to help maintain the house is different now than when I was a kid. I did way more chores, I was in charge of babysitting my little brother, etc. My parents also were not involved with my schoolwork much. My mom worked but she taped her soaps and shows (several hours a day) and she came home and relaxed and watched her shows many, many nights. My dad also worked, he came home and cooked a very simple meal and then he watched the news for the rest of the evening (Of course, this is my experience and generalities, so does't apply to everyone). We kids had to clean the kitchen, do homework, practice instrument, we watched tv, talked on the phone (for hours sometimes!) without much involvement or direction from them.

This. All this was our house, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our parents in many cases worked fewer hours, had shorter commutes, and more family help. They were probably in better shape too, so more energetic.

...and younger

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our parents in many cases worked fewer hours, had shorter commutes, and more family help. They were probably in better shape too, so more energetic.

Oh yeah, AND parenting is much more involved. The culture is to spend more quality time with your kids playing and reading and taking them to activities. Rather than brushing them off so you can clean.

Actually think this is a lot of it. When I talk to my friends about their childhoods, there is a ton of spontaneous recounting that their moms shooed them outside or sat them in front of TVs so that they (the moms) could clean. And not a lot of recounting of times their moms played with them or took them to structured activities (requiring chauffeur service, so the moms usually couldn’t be at home and cleaning).

Of course, there’s a lot more than goes into it too— including more parents (moms) working, and not just longer hours and commutes, but being expected to answer emails at all hours and never really being “off” in many cases. A lot of parents are doing bits of work for their jobs when they’re at home and kids are playing independently— time they might have previously spent cleaning.

I totally agree with all of this. The previous generations were more likely to live near extended family, like grandparents, who also spent time with the kids. My parents both worked, but had 15 minute commutes. If we had an activities before the high school years, we walked to them by ourselves. They didn't spend the weekends at sports tournaments or driving us around. It makes a huge difference.

[Anonymous]

My house was SO MUCH CLEANER before I had a kid. This is because before I had a kid, I (a) had more free time, and (b) didn't have a second, very messy person hanging around the house. It's pretty easy to keep a house clean when it's only you living there and you work 10+ hours a day.

I won't lie, it drives me crazy. I miss how clean my house used to be. I feel guilty about it. It's not like I'm living in squalor, but there's more clutter and the bathroom could be cleaner. maybe I need to have people over more often so I am absolutely forced to clean. But I can't afford outside help and I can't drop any work hours, so here we are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can any couple not get all household chores done (cleaning, dishes, laundry) in one hour every day after the kids are in bed?

I don’t think we have low standards but DH and I get everything done in one hour and are ready for the next day. We get everything else done on weekends with one of us taking the kids and the other doing shopping and errands. I make three dinners and the kids lunch food on Sunday and still have time to spend time as a family.

I don’t see why it’s so hard either.

No, I couldn't. But I'll admit I'm a clean freak. I also have two large dogs so that contributes to both laundry and house cleaning (I think it's fair to say that I need to clean floors more often and more thoroughly than your average family does). If I didn't mentally need my house as clean, then sure, but that stresses me out more than the chores do. I think the answer to this depends on the size of your family and the size of your house as well.

[Anonymous]

Another thing, OP, is that first, you were not privy to whether our people in our parent's generation were complaining to one another. Second, reading DCUM means you are hearing complaints from people with whom you have no contact. Those same people might have been complaining 20 or 30 years ago, too, but your parents never would have known about it. Third, you are aware of the irony of complaining about the complainers, right? Just making sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know how typical this is but when we were growing up (in Alexandria, late 70s/80s) it was typical for there to be a SAHM or maybe a part time working mom and there was always household help, sometimes full time. Always an older AA lady. My mom barely cleaned, she did cook a little, and the kids were not expected to do much at all.

I grew up outside a metro area north of the Mason-Dixon line and this was not common at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our parents in many cases worked fewer hours, had shorter commutes, and more family help. They were probably in better shape too, so more energetic.

...and younger

And a lot of that family help was other siblings. I think today because our kids are so busy with academics and sports and other extracurriculars that we feel they need to land a college acceptance letter, we demand less of them around the house and less babysitting of younger siblings as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our parents in many cases worked fewer hours, had shorter commutes, and more family help. They were probably in better shape too, so more energetic.

Oh yeah, AND parenting is much more involved. The culture is to spend more quality time with your kids playing and reading and taking them to activities. Rather than brushing them off so you can clean.

That's the fun stuff everyone should want to do though. If you don't want to read to your kids or play a game with them, that's a problem.

clean after they go to bed.

I don't think anyone's complaining about the kid stuff. It's just that after a long day of work, shuffling kids to sports/music, making and cleaning up dinner and a board game or reading before bed, the chores afterwards feel like a lot. Especially if you have to log back on to do a couple more hours of work before bed as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our parents in many cases worked fewer hours, had shorter commutes, and more family help. They were probably in better shape too, so more energetic.

...and younger

And a lot of that family help was other siblings. I think today because our kids are so busy with academics and sports and other extracurriculars that we feel they need to land a college acceptance letter, we demand less of them around the house and less babysitting of younger siblings as well.

Siblings and extended family - aunts and uncles, grandparents, etc. I know plenty of people who have large stretches of weekends free while grandparents take care of the children. Families weren't entirely on their own as much as they are now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know how typical this is but when we were growing up (in Alexandria, late 70s/80s) it was typical for there to be a SAHM or maybe a part time working mom and there was always household help, sometimes full time. Always an older AA lady. My mom barely cleaned, she did cook a little, and the kids were not expected to do much at all.

I grew up outside a metro area north of the Mason-Dixon line and this was not common at all.

I grew up south of the MD, granted in the 80s and 90s, but no, I wouldn't say this was typical, at least not at our lower income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another thing, OP, is that first, you were not privy to whether our people in our parent's generation were complaining to one another. Second, reading DCUM means you are hearing complaints from people with whom you have no contact. Those same people might have been complaining 20 or 30 years ago, too, but your parents never would have known about it. Third, you are aware of the irony of complaining about the complainers, right? Just making sure.

NP and I think this is an EXCELLENT point, re: being less aware of complainers.

I think there are at least two effects of the Internet present in this discussion (as younger Gen X and mid to older Millennials here, we are the first parents seeing the effects of the fully-integrated Internet age).

1) We seem “whinier,” not necessarily because we are, but because all the whining is on full display (and “gets clicks”).

2) Almost everyone is supposed to be on call for work all the time in a way previous generations were not, leaving less time for household tasks.

[Anonymous]

My own parents were WAY less involved with me. Sure, they got household chores done. Like many kids of my era, I was a latchkey kid and told to stay outside "until the street lights come on". Way less demands on a parent back then when it came to actual hands on parenting and supervision.