SAHM: what do you do to protect yourself financially?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Neither of us came in to the marriage with assets. All assets were earned during marriage. I’d get half. We’d both be in a worse position financially. I’d get alimony for a bit.

He’s also have to pay up for half of childcare - we have no current childcare expenses.

Best insurance I have is that we both make time for each other and strive to keep our marriage healthy. Affairs almost never happen in isolation.

I have been surprised by how many people have affairs while also having "healthy marriages." I wouldn't assume anything.

[Anonymous]

A box of cash isn't going to "protect" you. A divorce results in a household income suddenly being used to support TWO households. Everyone is financially worse off. You can't expect the same amount of money to all of a sudden go twice as far.

[Anonymous]

A former BigLaw colleague of mine was the nicest guy in the world until he left his SAH wife and three kids for another woman. The last guy you'd ever expect to do this. His wife ended up getting one-half of his earnings until the kids were grown, with a MINIMUM of 500k a year -- basically making him a slave to big law for at least a dozen more years.

Moral of the story: get a good lawyer.

[Anonymous]

OP you are smart to be asking this question. Go to relationship forum and you’ll hear a lot of stories that will open your eyes.

There’s a couple of week older thread on infidelity rates thread that you should read (men posting most wives don’t know about infidelity and those rates are high). In addition, men discuss wanting to divorce once kids leave home. If you’re a stay at home mom, you are vulnerable. You should know alimony laws in your state. In addition, there were some threads on men getting married again and leaving money only to 2nd wife and not to the kids from 1st marriage. So talk to a lawyer about solutions (setting up trust, life insurance policy).

Be smart. Don’t put yourself in a position where you have no choice but to accept bad behavior.

BTW, this isn’t from personal experience but reading about enough of this to make me wary. This is the advice I would give my daughter as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A former BigLaw colleague of mine was the nicest guy in the world until he left his SAH wife and three kids for another woman. The last guy you'd ever expect to do this. His wife ended up getting one-half of his earnings until the kids were grown, with a MINIMUM of 500k a year -- basically making him a slave to big law for at least a dozen more years.

Moral of the story: get a good lawyer.

But see, he really wasn’t. Even before he did that. Nice guys don’t change that much.

[Anonymous]

^also one more thing: it’s not true that men cheat because of unmet needs in a relationship. Many claim that is not the case. Many more will not say it but want a younger woman and blame wives. So often it’s not about you, it’s about their selfishness.

[Anonymous]

1. I will get half the assets, so $400k from the house, $ 250k from the 401k, and about another $250k from investments, liquid funds, etc. I’m 35 so not too shabby.

2. I will get alimony and child support based on his $350k salary

3. I have Masters degree and worked for 13 years before staying home to have children close together, ie, 4, 2 and newborn. I can get back into the workforce.

4. My children have trust funds and college is fully funded for undergrad and grad school, accruing interest.

5. I don’t need the standard of living I have. Even if I get a job making $100k, with alimony and child support I will be fine.

All of the above is purely to answer the question, I do not plan on divorcing and am happily married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. I will get half the assets, so $400k from the house, $ 250k from the 401k, and about another $250k from investments, liquid funds, etc. I’m 35 so not too shabby.

2. I will get alimony and child support based on his $350k salary

3. I have Masters degree and worked for 13 years before staying home to have children close together, ie, 4, 2 and newborn. I can get back into the workforce.

4. My children have trust funds and college is fully funded for undergrad and grad school, accruing interest.

5. I don’t need the standard of living I have. Even if I get a job making $100k, with alimony and child support I will be fine.

All of the above is purely to answer the question, I do not plan on divorcing and am happily married.

Do you worry at all that he may quit or lose his 350k job?

[Anonymous]

Working mom here. I don’t see this as just a SAHM issue. Most people end up financially worse off after divorce.

I make about $115k and DH makes about $140k plus various bonuses and profit sharing plans. If we divorced we’d be funding two households on $255k instead of one. Yes, I would still have my own income coming in, but unlike a SAHM, I probably wouldn’t get much alimony, if any. I’d also be handling daycare drop off/pickups on my own on “my days” which might mean outsourcing some childcare so I can keep working.

For most couples, absent a prenup/trust fund scenario, divorce is going to be a major financial hit, which is probably why so many people stay in crappy divorces until kids are grown.

That said, I do think it’s important to stay on top of your household finances so you know where the money is going (don’t blindly trust someone else to be paying the mortgage on time, make sure you know balances in savings/investment accounts, etc.) so you don’t get blindsided by someone frittering away your family’s money. And ideally keep some skills current so you can bring in some money at least part time if needed. But for every person the ability to work after divorce is going to look different.

I know a SAHM who continues to be a SAHM because her ex still pays the mortgage, cover the kid-related expense, etc. because he wants his kids to have a parent at home and his career doesn’t allow him to maintain 50% custody. Keep in mind a lot of breadwinner dads might not all of a sudden *want* to have to be home in time for homework, take off on sick days, etc.

[Anonymous]

Sorry meant stay in crappy marriages lol!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. I will get half the assets, so $400k from the house, $ 250k from the 401k, and about another $250k from investments, liquid funds, etc. I’m 35 so not too shabby.

2. I will get alimony and child support based on his $350k salary

3. I have Masters degree and worked for 13 years before staying home to have children close together, ie, 4, 2 and newborn. I can get back into the workforce.

4. My children have trust funds and college is fully funded for undergrad and grad school, accruing interest.

5. I don’t need the standard of living I have. Even if I get a job making $100k, with alimony and child support I will be fine.

All of the above is purely to answer the question, I do not plan on divorcing and am happily married.

I don't think you'd get a whole lot of alimony for very long. Child support, yes, but you'd be expected to get a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. I will get half the assets, so $400k from the house, $ 250k from the 401k, and about another $250k from investments, liquid funds, etc. I’m 35 so not too shabby.

2. I will get alimony and child support based on his $350k salary

3. I have Masters degree and worked for 13 years before staying home to have children close together, ie, 4, 2 and newborn. I can get back into the workforce.

4. My children have trust funds and college is fully funded for undergrad and grad school, accruing interest.

5. I don’t need the standard of living I have. Even if I get a job making $100k, with alimony and child support I will be fine.

All of the above is purely to answer the question, I do not plan on divorcing and am happily married.

How are you 35, worked for 13 years before staying home and have a master's degree? Honest question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. I will get half the assets, so $400k from the house, $ 250k from the 401k, and about another $250k from investments, liquid funds, etc. I’m 35 so not too shabby.

2. I will get alimony and child support based on his $350k salary

3. I have Masters degree and worked for 13 years before staying home to have children close together, ie, 4, 2 and newborn. I can get back into the workforce.

4. My children have trust funds and college is fully funded for undergrad and grad school, accruing interest.

5. I don’t need the standard of living I have. Even if I get a job making $100k, with alimony and child support I will be fine.

All of the above is purely to answer the question, I do not plan on divorcing and am happily married.

Do you worry at all that he may quit or lose his 350k job?

No, like I said, I would not have the lifestyle I have now, but if we were to divorce I would be able to support myself and my children on even a low ball $100k job estimate, and my assets (point 1)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. I will get half the assets, so $400k from the house, $ 250k from the 401k, and about another $250k from investments, liquid funds, etc. I’m 35 so not too shabby.

2. I will get alimony and child support based on his $350k salary

3. I have Masters degree and worked for 13 years before staying home to have children close together, ie, 4, 2 and newborn. I can get back into the workforce.

4. My children have trust funds and college is fully funded for undergrad and grad school, accruing interest.

5. I don’t need the standard of living I have. Even if I get a job making $100k, with alimony and child support I will be fine.

All of the above is purely to answer the question, I do not plan on divorcing and am happily married.

I don't think you'd get a whole lot of alimony for very long. Child support, yes, but you'd be expected to get a job.

Correct. That was point 5. $100k is my low ball estimate of what I would make upon re-entering the work force.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. I will get half the assets, so $400k from the house, $ 250k from the 401k, and about another $250k from investments, liquid funds, etc. I’m 35 so not too shabby.

2. I will get alimony and child support based on his $350k salary

3. I have Masters degree and worked for 13 years before staying home to have children close together, ie, 4, 2 and newborn. I can get back into the workforce.

4. My children have trust funds and college is fully funded for undergrad and grad school, accruing interest.

5. I don’t need the standard of living I have. Even if I get a job making $100k, with alimony and child support I will be fine.

All of the above is purely to answer the question, I do not plan on divorcing and am happily married.

How are you 35, worked for 13 years before staying home and have a master's degree? Honest question.

I always think that people include lifeguarding jobs they had in college when they say how long they have been working.

Because you are right. She quit 4-5 years ago at age 30. So 13 years before that she was 17.