If you stayed with your cheating spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did you get past the fact that they cheated?

You never really get past that fact but you arrive at a place where it just doesn't seem like this huge very important thing any more.

I stayed because I saw clearly what my life would be like post divorce, and I decided I don't want that. I don't want to half the assets or time with the kids; I also didn't want to give up help with the kids while they are with me - we have three young ones, and it is quite simply easier with four hands than two.

Life is long and we are all flawed imperfect people. It helps that I am genuinely fond of my husband but I think that this experience made me take him less seriously.

[Anonymous]

Time helps, but it really depends on your partner. If you had a cheating partner who was truly remorseful, some people report feeling very close after surviving the first awful years after infidelity. My partner said he was sorry, but didn’t do much else to help heal the wounds. I stayed because he became terminally ill. Now I can’t wait until he dies. So I think I’ll be over it.

[Anonymous]

My spouse has not cheated (that I know of, or even suspect) but I really can’t see myself walking away from the financial security. Not saying I’d ever completely get over it either. But I grew up poor, no desire to repeat that.

[Anonymous]

Therapy. And this one Esther Perel blog snapped me the eff out of a two year black hole of jealousy and craziness. You either move past it, or you might as well get divorced. http://www.estherperel.com/an-affair-to-remember-what-happens-in-couples-after-someone-cheats/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did you get past the fact that they cheated?

You never really get past that fact but you arrive at a place where it just doesn't seem like this huge very important thing any more.

I stayed because I saw clearly what my life would be like post divorce, and I decided I don't want that. I don't want to half the assets or time with the kids; I also didn't want to give up help with the kids while they are with me - we have three young ones, and it is quite simply easier with four hands than two.

Life is long and we are all flawed imperfect people. It helps that I am genuinely fond of my husband but I think that this experience made me take him less seriously.

This resonates with me. My DH cheated and fell in love with the AP, but we both continue to work on our marriage. I care for him and we share a very good partnership and beautiful family. I could divorce and avail myself to a man better suited to me in some ways, but in the end I keep coming back to the priority I place on raising my kids with relative ease and support and sparing kids the pain of divorce. It's pretty evenly split for me, so I err on the side of staying together. That, and I also don't want to deal with the annoying AP in my life and as stepparent to my young sons. Willing to give it another year, keep myself happy, enjoy having full time access to my kids and husband, and re-evaluate in the future.

[Anonymous]

Happened to me. ExDW cheated and fell in love for another. We tired for 1-1.5 years in reconciling, trying to fix it (I was completely onboard to fix it and work towards reconciliation) but her heart was elsewhere and she wasn’t putting forward the effort she needed to. As a result, I got tired of coming in 2nd to the AP so I stopped trying. The only reason I reconciled so long as for the kids. I finally got to the point where I decided it was not a life I wanted for myself. I felt selfish but at the same time, couldn’t face he reality of being married to someone who wasn’t even trying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did you get past the fact that they cheated?

You never really get past that fact but you arrive at a place where it just doesn't seem like this huge very important thing any more.

I stayed because I saw clearly what my life would be like post divorce, and I decided I don't want that. I don't want to half the assets or time with the kids; I also didn't want to give up help with the kids while they are with me - we have three young ones, and it is quite simply easier with four hands than two.

Life is long and we are all flawed imperfect people. It helps that I am genuinely fond of my husband but I think that this experience made me take him less seriously.

This resonates with me. My DH cheated and fell in love with the AP, but we both continue to work on our marriage. I care for him and we share a very good partnership and beautiful family. I could divorce and avail myself to a man better suited to me in some ways, but in the end I keep coming back to the priority I place on raising my kids with relative ease and support and sparing kids the pain of divorce. It's pretty evenly split for me, so I err on the side of staying together. That, and I also don't want to deal with the annoying AP in my life and as stepparent to my young sons. Willing to give it another year, keep myself happy, enjoy having full time access to my kids and husband, and re-evaluate in the future.

but how can you share a bed with someone knowing fully they love someone else. and either they are still in love with someone else, or they are heartbroken that they cant be the one person they love?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did you get past the fact that they cheated?

You never really get past that fact but you arrive at a place where it just doesn't seem like this huge very important thing any more.

I stayed because I saw clearly what my life would be like post divorce, and I decided I don't want that. I don't want to half the assets or time with the kids; I also didn't want to give up help with the kids while they are with me - we have three young ones, and it is quite simply easier with four hands than two.

Life is long and we are all flawed imperfect people. It helps that I am genuinely fond of my husband but I think that this experience made me take him less seriously.

This resonates with me. My DH cheated and fell in love with the AP, but we both continue to work on our marriage. I care for him and we share a very good partnership and beautiful family. I could divorce and avail myself to a man better suited to me in some ways, but in the end I keep coming back to the priority I place on raising my kids with relative ease and support and sparing kids the pain of divorce. It's pretty evenly split for me, so I err on the side of staying together. That, and I also don't want to deal with the annoying AP in my life and as stepparent to my young sons. Willing to give it another year, keep myself happy, enjoy having full time access to my kids and husband, and re-evaluate in the future.

but how can you share a bed with someone knowing fully they love someone else. and either they are still in love with someone else, or they are heartbroken that they cant be the one person they love?

This is what gets me. Life is too short to be in this kind of relationship - it will eventually catch up to you mentally and emotionally. Some people to choose to live that existence for whatever reason (their kids, they're religious so they don't believe in divorce, money, etc.) but for many, freedom from this kind of relationship is more fulfilling (even if it means the severing of the family unit).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did you get past the fact that they cheated?

You never really get past that fact but you arrive at a place where it just doesn't seem like this huge very important thing any more.

I stayed because I saw clearly what my life would be like post divorce, and I decided I don't want that. I don't want to half the assets or time with the kids; I also didn't want to give up help with the kids while they are with me - we have three young ones, and it is quite simply easier with four hands than two.

Life is long and we are all flawed imperfect people. It helps that I am genuinely fond of my husband but I think that this experience made me take him less seriously.

This resonates with me. My DH cheated and fell in love with the AP, but we both continue to work on our marriage. I care for him and we share a very good partnership and beautiful family. I could divorce and avail myself to a man better suited to me in some ways, but in the end I keep coming back to the priority I place on raising my kids with relative ease and support and sparing kids the pain of divorce. It's pretty evenly split for me, so I err on the side of staying together. That, and I also don't want to deal with the annoying AP in my life and as stepparent to my young sons. Willing to give it another year, keep myself happy, enjoy having full time access to my kids and husband, and re-evaluate in the future.

but how can you share a bed with someone knowing fully they love someone else. and either they are still in love with someone else, or they are heartbroken that they cant be the one person they love?

This is what gets me. Life is too short to be in this kind of relationship - it will eventually catch up to you mentally and emotionally. Some people to choose to live that existence for whatever reason (their kids, they're religious so they don't believe in divorce, money, etc.) but for many, freedom from this kind of relationship is more fulfilling (even if it means the severing of the family unit).

PP here. DH and I still love each other. If he can let go of his feelings for the AP, I think we have a shot. Otherwise, I agree that life is too short to stay in a romantic bond with somebody who isn't fully present most of the time. Lots of gray area here. Anybody on here with experience dealing with the AP turned stepparent (she has 2 young kids also)? So much drama I'd like to avoid. But perhaps my fears are overblown and once I healed from the detachment, I wouldn't care so much about AP's presence on the outskirts of my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did you get past the fact that they cheated?

You never really get past that fact but you arrive at a place where it just doesn't seem like this huge very important thing any more.

I stayed because I saw clearly what my life would be like post divorce, and I decided I don't want that. I don't want to half the assets or time with the kids; I also didn't want to give up help with the kids while they are with me - we have three young ones, and it is quite simply easier with four hands than two.

Life is long and we are all flawed imperfect people. It helps that I am genuinely fond of my husband but I think that this experience made me take him less seriously.

This resonates with me. My DH cheated and fell in love with the AP, but we both continue to work on our marriage. I care for him and we share a very good partnership and beautiful family. I could divorce and avail myself to a man better suited to me in some ways, but in the end I keep coming back to the priority I place on raising my kids with relative ease and support and sparing kids the pain of divorce. It's pretty evenly split for me, so I err on the side of staying together. That, and I also don't want to deal with the annoying AP in my life and as stepparent to my young sons. Willing to give it another year, keep myself happy, enjoy having full time access to my kids and husband, and re-evaluate in the future.

but how can you share a bed with someone knowing fully they love someone else. and either they are still in love with someone else, or they are heartbroken that they cant be the one person they love?

This is what gets me. Life is too short to be in this kind of relationship - it will eventually catch up to you mentally and emotionally. Some people to choose to live that existence for whatever reason (their kids, they're religious so they don't believe in divorce, money, etc.) but for many, freedom from this kind of relationship is more fulfilling (even if it means the severing of the family unit).

PP here. DH and I still love each other. If he can let go of his feelings for the AP, I think we have a shot. Otherwise, I agree that life is too short to stay in a romantic bond with somebody who isn't fully present most of the time. Lots of gray area here. Anybody on here with experience dealing with the AP turned stepparent (she has 2 young kids also)? So much drama I'd like to avoid. But perhaps my fears are overblown and once I healed from the detachment, I wouldn't care so much about AP's presence on the outskirts of my life.

I am. My exDW is married to AP who has children of his own. I generally don't see him that much and have managed to detach myself from it all. If I do run into him, I'm cordial. We certainly aren't one big happy family!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did you get past the fact that they cheated?

You never really get past that fact but you arrive at a place where it just doesn't seem like this huge very important thing any more.

I stayed because I saw clearly what my life would be like post divorce, and I decided I don't want that. I don't want to half the assets or time with the kids; I also didn't want to give up help with the kids while they are with me - we have three young ones, and it is quite simply easier with four hands than two.

Life is long and we are all flawed imperfect people. It helps that I am genuinely fond of my husband but I think that this experience made me take him less seriously.

This resonates with me. My DH cheated and fell in love with the AP, but we both continue to work on our marriage. I care for him and we share a very good partnership and beautiful family. I could divorce and avail myself to a man better suited to me in some ways, but in the end I keep coming back to the priority I place on raising my kids with relative ease and support and sparing kids the pain of divorce. It's pretty evenly split for me, so I err on the side of staying together. That, and I also don't want to deal with the annoying AP in my life and as stepparent to my young sons. Willing to give it another year, keep myself happy, enjoy having full time access to my kids and husband, and re-evaluate in the future.

but how can you share a bed with someone knowing fully they love someone else. and either they are still in love with someone else, or they are heartbroken that they cant be the one person they love?

This is what gets me. Life is too short to be in this kind of relationship - it will eventually catch up to you mentally and emotionally. Some people to choose to live that existence for whatever reason (their kids, they're religious so they don't believe in divorce, money, etc.) but for many, freedom from this kind of relationship is more fulfilling (even if it means the severing of the family unit).

PP here. DH and I still love each other. If he can let go of his feelings for the AP, I think we have a shot. Otherwise, I agree that life is too short to stay in a romantic bond with somebody who isn't fully present most of the time. Lots of gray area here. Anybody on here with experience dealing with the AP turned stepparent (she has 2 young kids also)? So much drama I'd like to avoid. But perhaps my fears are overblown and once I healed from the detachment, I wouldn't care so much about AP's presence on the outskirts of my life.

I would stay married until the kids were almost grown to avoid that mess. Mainly because the kids should come first, plus if she's the type to see married men then you don't want her around your kids. I would also check up on him to make sure he is keeping his word (not that it means much). Only speaking for myself I wouldn't care for someone that did that, but if I had to fake it for my kids then so be it.

Was she a co-worker, and how did you catch him? Did you confront her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time helps, but it really depends on your partner. If you had a cheating partner who was truly remorseful, some people report feeling very close after surviving the first awful years after infidelity. My partner said he was sorry, but didn’t do much else to help heal the wounds. I stayed because he became terminally ill. Now I can’t wait until he dies. So I think I’ll be over it.

So basically he was only sorry he got caught. Well Karma usually comes back around. You really lucked out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did you get past the fact that they cheated?

You never really get past that fact but you arrive at a place where it just doesn't seem like this huge very important thing any more.

I stayed because I saw clearly what my life would be like post divorce, and I decided I don't want that. I don't want to half the assets or time with the kids; I also didn't want to give up help with the kids while they are with me - we have three young ones, and it is quite simply easier with four hands than two.

Life is long and we are all flawed imperfect people. It helps that I am genuinely fond of my husband but I think that this experience made me take him less seriously.

This resonates with me. My DH cheated and fell in love with the AP, but we both continue to work on our marriage. I care for him and we share a very good partnership and beautiful family. I could divorce and avail myself to a man better suited to me in some ways, but in the end I keep coming back to the priority I place on raising my kids with relative ease and support and sparing kids the pain of divorce. It's pretty evenly split for me, so I err on the side of staying together. That, and I also don't want to deal with the annoying AP in my life and as stepparent to my young sons. Willing to give it another year, keep myself happy, enjoy having full time access to my kids and husband, and re-evaluate in the future.

but how can you share a bed with someone knowing fully they love someone else. and either they are still in love with someone else, or they are heartbroken that they cant be the one person they love?

This is what gets me. Life is too short to be in this kind of relationship - it will eventually catch up to you mentally and emotionally. Some people to choose to live that existence for whatever reason (their kids, they're religious so they don't believe in divorce, money, etc.) but for many, freedom from this kind of relationship is more fulfilling (even if it means the severing of the family unit).

PP here. DH and I still love each other. If he can let go of his feelings for the AP, I think we have a shot. Otherwise, I agree that life is too short to stay in a romantic bond with somebody who isn't fully present most of the time. Lots of gray area here. Anybody on here with experience dealing with the AP turned stepparent (she has 2 young kids also)? So much drama I'd like to avoid. But perhaps my fears are overblown and once I healed from the detachment, I wouldn't care so much about AP's presence on the outskirts of my life.

I would stay married until the kids were almost grown to avoid that mess. Mainly because the kids should come first, plus if she's the type to see married men then you don't want her around your kids. I would also check up on him to make sure he is keeping his word (not that it means much). Only speaking for myself I wouldn't care for someone that did that, but if I had to fake it for my kids then so be it.

Was she a co-worker, and how did you catch him? Did you confront her?

She was a friend of the family but does not live in the DC area. I was suspicious and confronted him, he confessed, but I have not communicated with the AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did you get past the fact that they cheated?

You never really get past that fact but you arrive at a place where it just doesn't seem like this huge very important thing any more.

I stayed because I saw clearly what my life would be like post divorce, and I decided I don't want that. I don't want to half the assets or time with the kids; I also didn't want to give up help with the kids while they are with me - we have three young ones, and it is quite simply easier with four hands than two.

Life is long and we are all flawed imperfect people. It helps that I am genuinely fond of my husband but I think that this experience made me take him less seriously.

This resonates with me. My DH cheated and fell in love with the AP, but we both continue to work on our marriage. I care for him and we share a very good partnership and beautiful family. I could divorce and avail myself to a man better suited to me in some ways, but in the end I keep coming back to the priority I place on raising my kids with relative ease and support and sparing kids the pain of divorce. It's pretty evenly split for me, so I err on the side of staying together. That, and I also don't want to deal with the annoying AP in my life and as stepparent to my young sons. Willing to give it another year, keep myself happy, enjoy having full time access to my kids and husband, and re-evaluate in the future.

but how can you share a bed with someone knowing fully they love someone else. and either they are still in love with someone else, or they are heartbroken that they cant be the one person they love?

This is what gets me. Life is too short to be in this kind of relationship - it will eventually catch up to you mentally and emotionally. Some people to choose to live that existence for whatever reason (their kids, they're religious so they don't believe in divorce, money, etc.) but for many, freedom from this kind of relationship is more fulfilling (even if it means the severing of the family unit).

PP here. DH and I still love each other. If he can let go of his feelings for the AP, I think we have a shot. Otherwise, I agree that life is too short to stay in a romantic bond with somebody who isn't fully present most of the time. Lots of gray area here. Anybody on here with experience dealing with the AP turned stepparent (she has 2 young kids also)? So much drama I'd like to avoid. But perhaps my fears are overblown and once I healed from the detachment, I wouldn't care so much about AP's presence on the outskirts of my life.

I would stay married until the kids were almost grown to avoid that mess. Mainly because the kids should come first, plus if she's the type to see married men then you don't want her around your kids. I would also check up on him to make sure he is keeping his word (not that it means much). Only speaking for myself I wouldn't care for someone that did that, but if I had to fake it for my kids then so be it.

Was she a co-worker, and how did you catch him? Did you confront her?

She was a friend of the family but does not live in the DC area. I was suspicious and confronted him, he confessed, but I have not communicated with the AP.

Wow, horrible woman. I would have gone right over to her house. Let her know if she continues the next stop would be her place of work, friends, and family.

I hope she's no longer a friend of "the family".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did you get past the fact that they cheated?

You never really get past that fact but you arrive at a place where it just doesn't seem like this huge very important thing any more.

I stayed because I saw clearly what my life would be like post divorce, and I decided I don't want that. I don't want to half the assets or time with the kids; I also didn't want to give up help with the kids while they are with me - we have three young ones, and it is quite simply easier with four hands than two.

Life is long and we are all flawed imperfect people. It helps that I am genuinely fond of my husband but I think that this experience made me take him less seriously.

This resonates with me. My DH cheated and fell in love with the AP, but we both continue to work on our marriage. I care for him and we share a very good partnership and beautiful family. I could divorce and avail myself to a man better suited to me in some ways, but in the end I keep coming back to the priority I place on raising my kids with relative ease and support and sparing kids the pain of divorce. It's pretty evenly split for me, so I err on the side of staying together. That, and I also don't want to deal with the annoying AP in my life and as stepparent to my young sons. Willing to give it another year, keep myself happy, enjoy having full time access to my kids and husband, and re-evaluate in the future.

but how can you share a bed with someone knowing fully they love someone else. and either they are still in love with someone else, or they are heartbroken that they cant be the one person they love?

This is what gets me. Life is too short to be in this kind of relationship - it will eventually catch up to you mentally and emotionally. Some people to choose to live that existence for whatever reason (their kids, they're religious so they don't believe in divorce, money, etc.) but for many, freedom from this kind of relationship is more fulfilling (even if it means the severing of the family unit).

PP here. DH and I still love each other. If he can let go of his feelings for the AP, I think we have a shot. Otherwise, I agree that life is too short to stay in a romantic bond with somebody who isn't fully present most of the time. Lots of gray area here. Anybody on here with experience dealing with the AP turned stepparent (she has 2 young kids also)? So much drama I'd like to avoid. But perhaps my fears are overblown and once I healed from the detachment, I wouldn't care so much about AP's presence on the outskirts of my life.

I would stay married until the kids were almost grown to avoid that mess. Mainly because the kids should come first, plus if she's the type to see married men then you don't want her around your kids. I would also check up on him to make sure he is keeping his word (not that it means much). Only speaking for myself I wouldn't care for someone that did that, but if I had to fake it for my kids then so be it.

Was she a co-worker, and how did you catch him? Did you confront her?

She was a friend of the family but does not live in the DC area. I was suspicious and confronted him, he confessed, but I have not communicated with the AP.

Wow, horrible woman. I would have gone right over to her house. Let her know if she continues the next stop would be her place of work, friends, and family.

I hope she's no longer a friend of "the family".

PP here. Nope, DH is the only one in the family who communicates with her. Your confrontational approach is just not my style. I'm trying not to feel/act like a victim, instead take the high road and try to grow personally and emotionally from this pile of s^^t. In my gut I know I could get over all this in 6-12 months, have a fabulous life and eventually find a wonderful man who deserves me. (I'm only 43!) But I need to overcome my fear of feeling selfish, possibly hurting my kids, and being inconvenienced by the logistics of separate homes and intrusion of drama queen AP into my atmosphere. Oh well. One day at a time.