Tips for not losing your sh$$

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wifi isn't the only thing to hold over their head. Do you give them rides to practices, friend's houses, the mall, etc. You and the Dh are showing them if they whine long and load enough, they don't have to do their chores. Find your backbone and hold them to their chores. Ÿou do not have to scream or yell.

+1

You don't know how to do it? Oh, let me show you. You unload and I will tell you where you need to put things.

Oh, you still don't know how to do it? You must need practice. Try again and I'll coach you.

The challenge with this approach is that you have to do a lot of remembering, ass-kicking, and ignoring pushback, all of which is work. But someday, your child's wife/husband/partner will thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 13 yo DD and 11 yo DS are generally very good. They get good grades, are personable and polite to family and friends, etc

The one exception - me. And I’ve had it. Here’s an example: they each had three chores to do today. I didn’t nag or pester, just said they had to be done by dinner. Well It’s getting close to dinner and I calmly remind them they haven’t finished their chores.

My son flops in a chair and whines that he needs some time to rest because his legs hurt. His chore was to sweep the porch.

My DD has to load the dishwasher. She whines she doesn’t know how so my husband - nice as could be - says he’ll help her. She makes this mopey face and plops down into a chair not listening to him nor did she say thanks to him.

I see this and explode on the both of them! That we ask very little of them and is it that much to ask for less whining and a little energy?!

This dynamic used to be infrequent but it’s been happening EVERY DAY and I’m at my wits end! I hate how I explode as I don’t think it sets a good example of how to behave but it’s INFRUIATING! FWIW I manage a team of 125 people at work and that is an emotional cakewalk compared to this.

A child development expert would tell you giving them a window of time to complete something probably isn't very effective. Better to deal in real-time workstreams.

Instead of saying to child "you have until 5 p.m. to do XYZ," try saying, "OK, child, it's 11 a.m. and you've been on your screen for three hours. Time to take a break and sweep the porch/load the dishwasher now." And get it done there and then.

Interesting. My kids are younger, but I always thought it was nicer to give then some flexibility in scheduling. I know I don't like being ordered around on someone else's schedule; if I have three chores to do, I like to choose when I do them. But like OP, my kids tend not to do them until the very end and I end up yelling at them to do it NOW! Then they say they don't like being ordered around.

I give my kids a choice. They can do their chores before $time, fitting them in however they want in their schedule. After $time, I become a dictator and can insist they go do their chores immediately.

I have one kid who always waits. I've asked if he'd rather I just tell him to do his chores instead of giving him the option, but he says he prefers the option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 13 yo DD and 11 yo DS are generally very good. They get good grades, are personable and polite to family and friends, etc

The one exception - me. And I’ve had it. Here’s an example: they each had three chores to do today. I didn’t nag or pester, just said they had to be done by dinner. Well It’s getting close to dinner and I calmly remind them they haven’t finished their chores.

My son flops in a chair and whines that he needs some time to rest because his legs hurt. His chore was to sweep the porch.

My DD has to load the dishwasher. She whines she doesn’t know how so my husband - nice as could be - says he’ll help her. She makes this mopey face and plops down into a chair not listening to him nor did she say thanks to him.

I see this and explode on the both of them! That we ask very little of them and is it that much to ask for less whining and a little energy?!

This dynamic used to be infrequent but it’s been happening EVERY DAY and I’m at my wits end! I hate how I explode as I don’t think it sets a good example of how to behave but it’s INFRUIATING! FWIW I manage a team of 125 people at work and that is an emotional cakewalk compared to this.

I found that when I give me kids free reign to do it when they want, i realized that I really don't want them to do it when they want. I don't want them to wait until 12pm to unload the dishwasher, because I want to put the breakfast dishes in there. Or I don't want them to wait until 7pm to vacuum the living room because by them I want to plop down and rest. Or whatever. So my "do it today" really wasn't what I wanted and then I because frustrated that it wasn't done. So, now I put a timeframe on it.
A child development expert would tell you giving them a window of time to complete something probably isn't very effective. Better to deal in real-time workstreams.

Instead of saying to child "you have until 5 p.m. to do XYZ," try saying, "OK, child, it's 11 a.m. and you've been on your screen for three hours. Time to take a break and sweep the porch/load the dishwasher now." And get it done there and then.

Interesting. My kids are younger, but I always thought it was nicer to give then some flexibility in scheduling. I know I don't like being ordered around on someone else's schedule; if I have three chores to do, I like to choose when I do them. But like OP, my kids tend not to do them until the very end and I end up yelling at them to do it NOW! Then they say they don't like being ordered around.

I give my kids a choice. They can do their chores before $time, fitting them in however they want in their schedule. After $time, I become a dictator and can insist they go do their chores immediately.

I have one kid who always waits. I've asked if he'd rather I just tell him to do his chores instead of giving him the option, but he says he prefers the option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 13 yo DD and 11 yo DS are generally very good. They get good grades, are personable and polite to family and friends, etc

The one exception - me. And I’ve had it. Here’s an example: they each had three chores to do today. I didn’t nag or pester, just said they had to be done by dinner. Well It’s getting close to dinner and I calmly remind them they haven’t finished their chores.

My son flops in a chair and whines that he needs some time to rest because his legs hurt. His chore was to sweep the porch.

My DD has to load the dishwasher. She whines she doesn’t know how so my husband - nice as could be - says he’ll help her. She makes this mopey face and plops down into a chair not listening to him nor did she say thanks to him.

I see this and explode on the both of them! That we ask very little of them and is it that much to ask for less whining and a little energy?!

This dynamic used to be infrequent but it’s been happening EVERY DAY and I’m at my wits end! I hate how I explode as I don’t think it sets a good example of how to behave but it’s INFRUIATING! FWIW I manage a team of 125 people at work and that is an emotional cakewalk compared to this.

I found that when I gave me kids free reign to do it when they want, i realized that I really don't want them to do it when they want. I don't want them to wait until 12pm to unload the dishwasher, because I want to put the breakfast dishes in there. Or I don't want them to wait until 7pm to vacuum the living room because by them I want to plop down and rest. Or whatever. So my "do it today" really wasn't what I wanted and then I because frustrated that it wasn't done. So, now I put a time frame on it. "When you get home from camp, please empty the dishwasher and fold your clothes that are in the dryer. Please take a shower too. You then will have time to play the XBox." It is also teaching them not to procrastinate.
A child development expert would tell you giving them a window of time to complete something probably isn't very effective. Better to deal in real-time workstreams.

Instead of saying to child "you have until 5 p.m. to do XYZ," try saying, "OK, child, it's 11 a.m. and you've been on your screen for three hours. Time to take a break and sweep the porch/load the dishwasher now." And get it done there and then.

Interesting. My kids are younger, but I always thought it was nicer to give then some flexibility in scheduling. I know I don't like being ordered around on someone else's schedule; if I have three chores to do, I like to choose when I do them. But like OP, my kids tend not to do them until the very end and I end up yelling at them to do it NOW! Then they say they don't like being ordered around.

I give my kids a choice. They can do their chores before $time, fitting them in however they want in their schedule. After $time, I become a dictator and can insist they go do their chores immediately.

I have one kid who always waits. I've asked if he'd rather I just tell him to do his chores instead of giving him the option, but he says he prefers the option.

[Anonymous]

I found that when I gave me kids free reign to do it when they want, i realized that I really don't want them to do it whenever they wanted. I don't want them to wait until 8pm to unload the dishwasher, because I want to put the dinner dishes in there. Or I don't want them to wait until 7pm to vacuum the living room because by them I want to plop down and rest. Or whatever. So my "do it today" really wasn't what I wanted and then I because frustrated that it wasn't done and lost my cool. So, now I put a time frame on it. "When you get home from camp, please empty the dishwasher and fold your clothes that are in the dryer. Please take a shower too. You then will have time to play the XBox until 6pm." It is also teaching them not to procrastinate. If I get home at 6pm and they are playing and the items aren't done, we have a discussion about responsibility and privileges. It is also pointed out that they are part of our household and it takes all members pitching in for it to run.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all the thoughts and advice. I have the audio book of the "Yes your teenager is crazy" and I got about 1/2 way through (was getting repetitive). I'll try again.

Today was MUCH better. I wrote the list of chores and casually during breakfast I told them what they were and that they had to be done by 5:00. I said I hope that it didn't get to this but if they failed to get them all done, I would have to enforce a consequence and it would they would lose their phone the next day and still do the chores. I also told them some of the chores were new to them so I totally understood if they needed some help - just ask nicely I and I would be happy to help.

To my happiness, I stepped out of my office at 2:00 (I work from home) and chores were being done! They even had some questions and politely asked for help. We'll see if we can keep this up!

I think going over everything at a calm time of the day helped. I also think, to some extent, they know I'm not kidding around and they know their behavior the day before was bratty.

[Anonymous]

Some great advice in this thread! Including listening to Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy on audiobook -- because with three kids and a job, my concentration to actually read a book is shot and my bedside table is a graveyard of books I've been meaning to read.

We have a rotating chore chart for our three kids that works pretty well because they know they will all have to take turns doing the more-favored chores (unload dishwasher) and the less-favored (feed cats). We also rotate weekend chores like vacuuming (upstairs vs. downstairs), garbage/paper recycling/regular recycling, etc. Having on a piece of paper on the fridge helps set the expectation and reminder that we expect constancy, not just help when one of us remembers to ask.

[Anonymous]

Just popping in to say that I can't believe that feeding cats is less favored (it takes probably no time at all) while unloading dishwasher is more favored - THAT takes more time - unload then walk all over kingdom come to put stuff away in kitchen and diningroom.

ugh.

But, hey, to each their own, right? My personal LEAST FAVORITE THING is to vacuum. Oh, wait, mowing is worse - that's vacuuming outside in the heat and mosquitoes. I hate that worse.

[Anonymous]

Take away priviledges. Here is a list of things that are priviledges, even if you do not think it is.

-wifi
-video
-smartphone (are obvious ones)

Less obvious ones -
- Going over to friends
- having friends over
- shopping for new clothes
- having an allowance
- Access to Amazon prime,
- Starbucks
- Take out food or eating out
- Going to upscale salon instead of haircuttery


- finally, you can just tell them that you will remove the door to their bedroom. Having a roof over their head and a seperate room may be seen as a want, but having a door that they can shut or slam - that is a privilege.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just popping in to say that I can't believe that feeding cats is less favored (it takes probably no time at all) while unloading dishwasher is more favored - THAT takes more time - unload then walk all over kingdom come to put stuff away in kitchen and diningroom.

ugh.

But, hey, to each their own, right? My personal LEAST FAVORITE THING is to vacuum. Oh, wait, mowing is worse - that's vacuuming outside in the heat and mosquitoes. I hate that worse.

PP of that post. It's probably because it's stinky wet canned food. Then there's the rinsing out the cans for recycling, schlepping one bowl downstairs to the laundry room and getting the shy cat locked inside so the bully cat doesn't eat all her food, and picking up the dishes from the last meal.

I feed the cats in the morning and I'd personally much rather unload the nice clean dishwasher (which I also do in the morning). Maybe that's the only upside of our too-small kitchen that it's all (way too) close together.

But I agree, I'd much rather vacuum than mow the lawn any day!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just popping in to say that I can't believe that feeding cats is less favored (it takes probably no time at all) while unloading dishwasher is more favored - THAT takes more time - unload then walk all over kingdom come to put stuff away in kitchen and diningroom.

ugh.

But, hey, to each their own, right? My personal LEAST FAVORITE THING is to vacuum. Oh, wait, mowing is worse - that's vacuuming outside in the heat and mosquitoes. I hate that worse.

PP of that post. It's probably because it's stinky wet canned food. Then there's the rinsing out the cans for recycling, schlepping one bowl downstairs to the laundry room and getting the shy cat locked inside so the bully cat doesn't eat all her food, and picking up the dishes from the last meal.

I feed the cats in the morning and I'd personally much rather unload the nice clean dishwasher (which I also do in the morning). Maybe that's the only upside of our too-small kitchen that it's all (way too) close together.

But I agree, I'd much rather vacuum than mow the lawn any day!

This made me laugh, because we have a gross old cat and I always say I would rather clean up poop than puke. I also hate cleaning the wet food bowls more than the litter box. My husband is a-ok with that division of labor!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 13 yo DD and 11 yo DS are generally very good. They get good grades, are personable and polite to family and friends, etc

The one exception - me. And I’ve had it. Here’s an example: they each had three chores to do today. I didn’t nag or pester, just said they had to be done by dinner. Well It’s getting close to dinner and I calmly remind them they haven’t finished their chores.

My son flops in a chair and whines that he needs some time to rest because his legs hurt. His chore was to sweep the porch.

My DD has to load the dishwasher. She whines she doesn’t know how so my husband - nice as could be - says he’ll help her. She makes this mopey face and plops down into a chair not listening to him nor did she say thanks to him.

I see this and explode on the both of them! That we ask very little of them and is it that much to ask for less whining and a little energy?!

This dynamic used to be infrequent but it’s been happening EVERY DAY and I’m at my wits end! I hate how I explode as I don’t think it sets a good example of how to behave but it’s INFRUIATING! FWIW I manage a team of 125 people at work and that is an emotional cakewalk compared to this.

Pick a consequence that you apply every time without discussion. That way, you can go on auto-pilot, and they have a real consequence. For my oldest DS, taking things away was ineffective. He would just read a book instead and be happy as a lazy clam. So I started making him sit at the kitchen table doing absolutely nothing for the amount of time it would have taken him to do the chore. When the time is up, he still does the chore. If it’s a time sensitive chore (like walking the dog), he sits at the kitchen table while I do his chore myself. He despises doing nothing, so it’s been brilliant for him.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for this post. My tween daughter is really really walking on thin ice today. If I had a little less self control I would have smacked her.

“But why?”
“I don’t want to”
“That’s not a good reason”
“It’s a free country”

It’s like she all of a sudden was given a pamphlet on annoying teenager phrases.

[Anonymous]

I just tell the kids what I expect and what they get or lose if expectations aren't met. I don't yell or argue anymore. For example, if the chores aren't done by the time I get home they don't get their electronics until after the next opportunity to meet the expectations. So instead of me yelling / whining / complaining, the shoe is on the other foot. I just shrug and say you lost your stuff until tomorrow, you know the rules, better luck next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 13 yo DD and 11 yo DS are generally very good. They get good grades, are personable and polite to family and friends, etc

The one exception - me. And I’ve had it. Here’s an example: they each had three chores to do today. I didn’t nag or pester, just said they had to be done by dinner. Well It’s getting close to dinner and I calmly remind them they haven’t finished their chores.

My son flops in a chair and whines that he needs some time to rest because his legs hurt. His chore was to sweep the porch.

My DD has to load the dishwasher. She whines she doesn’t know how so my husband - nice as could be - says he’ll help her. She makes this mopey face and plops down into a chair not listening to him nor did she say thanks to him.

I see this and explode on the both of them! That we ask very little of them and is it that much to ask for less whining and a little energy?!

This dynamic used to be infrequent but it’s been happening EVERY DAY and I’m at my wits end! I hate how I explode as I don’t think it sets a good example of how to behave but it’s INFRUIATING! FWIW I manage a team of 125 people at work and that is an emotional cakewalk compared to this.

I do this, but very infrequently. However every few months I loose my shit. I tell I curse and I just lay into them about how ungrateful they are and how I dont ask much. The entire family just shuts the F up and doesn't dare talk back. I then get massive cooperation for a few weeks.

I hear you. I'm a VP at my company running a huge organization. The only person above me is our CEO. My kids by far test my limits of sanity much harder than anything my job could throw at me.