I’m not ready to make nice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again, and I’m so glad I posted this. I feel ready to tackle this now. Such great advice!

So, polite and vague declining of solo-invitations, no announcement of the reason we no longer visit alone. I’m assuming I should just tell them to talk to their son if they ask for a visit?

And lastly, when outwardly reconciling, do I mention how they took me for granted and badmouthed me, or should I leave that alone?

How old are your kids?
I would not make an announcement, but instead every time they’ve ask when you’re bringing the kids, counter with an invitation for them to drive to your place to see the kids. Say it would be fun for the kids to share their playground/ballgame/toys with their grandparents. Otherwise just imply that you’re busy, things are hectic, you’re sure DH will get something g on the calendar, etc. Then if they really push it with yiu directly, you can say that your previous efforts were taken for granted, despite the inconvenience to you in driving three hours round trip, and then you were hurt by their comments about you. Let them know that it will take them a while to build the good will back up, and reiterate that in the meantime they are more than welcome to come to your house to see the kids.

[Anonymous]

Who did the badmouthing? MIL or FIL and who did they talk to (grapevine)? Just curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who did the badmouthing? MIL or FIL and who did they talk to (grapevine)? Just curious.

It was MIL. A family member called DH asking what was up, and a well-intentioned family friend also spilled the beans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We recently moved about 1.5 hours away from my ILs for a contract job my DH is currently working. I’ve personally been schlepping our kids back home to visit the ILs for the day probably once a month, sometimes we visit more with DH. Sometimes I drop them off and get some errands done, occasionally I visit. Since Christmas, our lives have been hectic and we haven’t made it back home as often as in the past. ILs make no effort to visit us (they are able-bodied and drive, and don’t work.)

Not sure what prompted it, but out of the blue they called DH and complained that I NEVER bring the kids (not HIM, just that I don’t) and therefore I’m keeping them from seeing them. DH point out the weekends I took them up there to see them, but the denied most of them, and said they would have had pictures of these visits. We didn’t talk for a while after that, but heard through the grape vine that they were badmouthing me to anyone who would listen. Then out of the blue today, of course because a holiday is impending, they are “sorry”, not to me of course, and DH is just fine with that! He’s ready to embrace them into our lives again, just like that. Well, I’m not! I’m not ready to make nice!

I know they won’t apologize to me, and I know they will soon be expecting/inciting me to bring the kids to them again. I told my husband I’m not doing it anymore, at least until they can show a pattern of respect for me. He wasn’t too happy about that and said that they will never see the kids without my help, because he’s on call, and he can’t take them. I said, no kidding! They had a good thing!

Am I letting my emotions control me, or does my plan seem rational? If I’m being irrational, I’ll rethink my strategy. If you have a better one, let me know, please!

OP, I was with you until this. Are you sure you want to engage in this type of gossip? Because it sounds you're just looking for ways to get worked up.

If you don't want to see your ILs, don't go. Let your husband figure out how he and the kids will see them. It's not that hard, unless you really crave the drama. Then get on the phone and collect all the nasty things someone allegedly said about you lately. This will make your day

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We recently moved about 1.5 hours away from my ILs for a contract job my DH is currently working. I’ve personally been schlepping our kids back home to visit the ILs for the day probably once a month, sometimes we visit more with DH. Sometimes I drop them off and get some errands done, occasionally I visit. Since Christmas, our lives have been hectic and we haven’t made it back home as often as in the past. ILs make no effort to visit us (they are able-bodied and drive, and don’t work.)

Not sure what prompted it, but out of the blue they called DH and complained that I NEVER bring the kids (not HIM, just that I don’t) and therefore I’m keeping them from seeing them. DH point out the weekends I took them up there to see them, but the denied most of them, and said they would have had pictures of these visits. We didn’t talk for a while after that, but heard through the grape vine that they were badmouthing me to anyone who would listen. Then out of the blue today, of course because a holiday is impending, they are “sorry”, not to me of course, and DH is just fine with that! He’s ready to embrace them into our lives again, just like that. Well, I’m not! I’m not ready to make nice!

I know they won’t apologize to me, and I know they will soon be expecting/inciting me to bring the kids to them again. I told my husband I’m not doing it anymore, at least until they can show a pattern of respect for me. He wasn’t too happy about that and said that they will never see the kids without my help, because he’s on call, and he can’t take them. I said, no kidding! They had a good thing!

Am I letting my emotions control me, or does my plan seem rational? If I’m being irrational, I’ll rethink my strategy. If you have a better one, let me know, please!

OP, I was with you until this. Are you sure you want to engage in this type of gossip? Because it sounds you're just looking for ways to get worked up.

If you don't want to see your ILs, don't go. Let your husband figure out how he and the kids will see them. It's not that hard, unless you really crave the drama. Then get on the phone and collect all the nasty things someone allegedly said about you lately. This will make your day

Alleged? It says right in the OP you quoted that she was badmouthed to the husband. How would other family members know about the badmouthing originally done to the son of the ILs weren’t also badmouthing her to them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We recently moved about 1.5 hours away from my ILs for a contract job my DH is currently working. I’ve personally been schlepping our kids back home to visit the ILs for the day probably once a month, sometimes we visit more with DH. Sometimes I drop them off and get some errands done, occasionally I visit. Since Christmas, our lives have been hectic and we haven’t made it back home as often as in the past. ILs make no effort to visit us (they are able-bodied and drive, and don’t work.)

Not sure what prompted it, but out of the blue they called DH and complained that I NEVER bring the kids (not HIM, just that I don’t) and therefore I’m keeping them from seeing them. DH point out the weekends I took them up there to see them, but the denied most of them, and said they would have had pictures of these visits. We didn’t talk for a while after that, but heard through the grape vine that they were badmouthing me to anyone who would listen. Then out of the blue today, of course because a holiday is impending, they are “sorry”, not to me of course, and DH is just fine with that! He’s ready to embrace them into our lives again, just like that. Well, I’m not! I’m not ready to make nice!

I know they won’t apologize to me, and I know they will soon be expecting/inciting me to bring the kids to them again. I told my husband I’m not doing it anymore, at least until they can show a pattern of respect for me. He wasn’t too happy about that and said that they will never see the kids without my help, because he’s on call, and he can’t take them. I said, no kidding! They had a good thing!

Am I letting my emotions control me, or does my plan seem rational? If I’m being irrational, I’ll rethink my strategy. If you have a better one, let me know, please!

OP, I was with you until this. Are you sure you want to engage in this type of gossip? Because it sounds you're just looking for ways to get worked up.

If you don't want to see your ILs, don't go. Let your husband figure out how he and the kids will see them. It's not that hard, unless you really crave the drama. Then get on the phone and collect all the nasty things someone allegedly said about you lately. This will make your day

Alleged? It says right in the OP you quoted that she was badmouthed to the husband. How would other family members know about the badmouthing originally done to the son of the ILs weren’t also badmouthing her to them?

This is exactly where family drama gets way too complicated for me. What I meant, maybe others badmouthed OP too, you never know. She should find out immediately.

[Anonymous]

^I guess I don’t understand your point. Of course we know people gossip/“badmouth”, and no, we have no control over what people say. But we don’t have to tolerate it.

[Anonymous]

This is OP again. The are just meh grandparents. We haven’t seen them in months and the kids haven’t even asked about seeing them. My DH appreciates me, but I think I’ve created a pattern where he thinks it’s my duty to do this now, since I’m not working while we are here. I think DH appreciates what I’ve been doing less than he appreciates his parents not being “mad” at him. He subtly defended me, but laid down no laws against it happening again.

“Winning the battle but losing the war” really resonated. I care more about winnng the war and gaining mutual respect from them. I have no issue with them coming here for a visit when DH is around, and I don’t mind visiting them with DH on the weekends he has off. I won’t bring up what they did wrong to me, but I will change the dynamic going forward.

You can only control those things you can control. You have resentment because you feel you are being taken for granted, your efforts aren't appreciated and, actually badmouthed. You should stop doing the thing that is making you resentful - stop taking the kids to see the ILs. Do not see them without your DH around.

How your DH feels about his parents being 'mad' at him isn't your problem. He needs to control those things that he controls. If he doesn't want his parents 'mad' at him, he should take the kids to see them or have them up when he's around.

Let go of the idea that you can gain their respect. You don't need their respect and they have already demonstrated they don't respect you. Believe them and give yourself permission to stop trying.

Finally, I've always WOH FT. When you say you're "not working", I disagree. Your job is the home and kids. Your job does not entail you hauling your kids to see their grandparents. That is a kindness you did that was not recognized or appreciated. Stop doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who did the badmouthing? MIL or FIL and who did they talk to (grapevine)? Just curious.

It was MIL. A family member called DH asking what was up, and a well-intentioned family friend also spilled the beans.

This was my only question about this whole thing. I’m a direct person so it would be like me to say to mil “several people have mentioned you said this. This makes me feel confused and hurt because you and I both know this isn’t true. So if you could please straighten out this misinformation with ANYONE whom you have told this to- I’d be much obliged and it would go a long way in making me want to continue to be a good dil to you.”

Let her deny and sputter and just sigh sadly and say “I guess I won’t be getting an apology”. Then move past this without acknowledgement or apology. Next time there is a grapevine event, state “consider the source of your misinformation”. There is always the chance she isn’t the only messy one and the “helpful” family member who told you was fake ooops/messy too. But again, move past it but don’t go out of your way to do things without dh. Remind her that she is the one that makes you feel like you need your dh there as witness now.

[Anonymous]

Also I would not threaten to cut off access to the grandkids. DH can always take the kids to see them. And they are always free to come to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also I would not threaten to cut off access to the grandkids. DH can always take the kids to see them. And they are always free to come to you.

This.

OP, something strikes me as odd - they claimed not to remember visits and looked for pictures to remind themselves? Could there be some health issues with memory loss that perhaps didn't have any other symptoms physical deterioration detectable yet? You know, Ronald Reagan's second term type of thing?

[Anonymous]

I mean...you never mentioned you CAN'T take them more often, just that you won't. Sounds like you don't work, so why couldn't you? You already said DH is busy with the job.

[Anonymous]

What kind of person do you want to be? What do you want your kids to model?

Kindhearted? Then visit, sometimes.

Petty? Then let this event be a deal breaker, and never visit again.

Figure out who you are first.

I know your husband is a doctor and busy, but there are lots of busy people who find time to visit their parents. He needs to carry some of this.

Last thing -- dropping them off and running errands sounds wonderful. I personally wouldn't want to give this up. Let your errand be a red door spa. Everyone is a winner.

[Anonymous]

How did today end up, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did today end up, OP?

We didn’t see them! DH had talked to them on Friday, they beat around the bush about “what we were doing” and DH did the same, “I think we are having ham on Sunday.” I guess my MIL reiterated that “they were fine now”, again pretending like nothing happened. My MIL called DH again today inquiring about our plans (though not asking to come over or inviting us). Again DH just gave her a vague answer. About 10 minutes later she sent me a text saying “Miss you”, so I sent pic of the kids with their baskets, no comment other than Happy Easter.

I’m just so annoyed they think they can pretend like nothing happened and she wasn’t just ignoring us for weeks! I don’t know how to interpret any of this, it just feels so manipulative.