How do I manage MIL expectations of kids visiting her alone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand your automatic “no” response. Kids are able to fly and might possibly enjoy the time with grandparents. Otherwise, fly them or drive there and you and DH go on a vacation from there. People are so controlling...

Op here. I think my "automatic no" was partly the flying thing (b/c it really is hard to imagine that they would be cool with flying without us when they honestly are not cool with flying in the row behind us! Several times we have had the four seats split into two rows and DH and I end up each taking one b/c they don't want to be sitting "all alone on the plane!" Together. ??)

But if I'm being honest with myself, it is largely due to the ridiculousness (at least to me) of her looking forward to spending an entire WEEK with them when she has never offered to spend even one NIGHT (or even a 3-hour stretch of evening) with them without us. And on the rare occasion that it happens (because we have asked them to 3 or 4 times over the past 8-9 years), it is not well received and is always met with some expression of passive-aggressive disappointment in not being able to be with DH and me that evening. (Mostly DH, I suspect.) Even when we go to our former hometown to visit, we are reluctant to ask them to watch the kids for an evening so that DH and I can have dinner and reconnect with former college or high school friends because of how they react as though we are stealing precious time from them. It is never an "oh yes, go, have fun! And that will give us a great opportunity to do something on our own with the kids!" (And our kids are very easy.)

Neither of us dislike MIL or FIL...they are good people who love their grandkids, for sure. But also they are not particularly warm and fuzzy "grandparent-y" fun types so I would be kind of surprised if the kids asked to go there without us. (MIL is far more likely to snip at our kids that they need to eat one more bite of broccoli than sneak them a piece of chocolate cake, and she often relates to the kids by telling them stories of her DS--their dad--as a comparison to what they are doing/are interested in at the moment--almost as though she is sharing her memories of his childhood as competition rather than letting their achievements and interests stand on their own.)

All this aside, I really do not want to come off as controlling (to her or to anyone, really), so I will try to keep her perspective in mind. (I just don't want to be a 3+ hour plane ride away if/when she decides she is over the whole "Camp Gram" situation!)

[Anonymous]

Way too young. Wait a couple of years.

[Anonymous]

I think one on one time with grandparents is really important. That is how they build the relationships that can last the rest of their lives.

The plane thing is silly. I took my first solo flight at like 8 years old, in fact, to fly home from seeing grandparents. I was scared absolutely but it was good for me. One of your kids is 10 years old OP! This is when you need to start teaching some independence.

I mean if they don't want to go that is one thing but I think you and DH should try to foster this more than react so poorly.

Even if it never happens though, I might reach out to MIL and apologize for how you reacted.

[Anonymous]

Invite her to come stay at your house and care for them overnight. Fake a wedding/work event and just spend a date night in a hotel! That may be all it takes to get her to stop asking!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Yeah, sure, that sounds great! Dh and I would love that!"

Meanwhile, you're thinking, "No f**ing way is that happening."

If you don't hate her, throw her a bone and be kind. Give her something to look forward to. It's harmless. But, of course, when the time comes, there will be a reason every summer as to why this won't be happening, including your kids wanting to go to summer camp or whatever.

Wow, this post is so disrespectful and cynical

[Anonymous]

I started flying by myself cross country several times a year at age 12 (divorced parents). DCUM, per usual, full of helicopter parents. Now my teen relatives fly cross country to visit me alone, and have since they were young teens. Parents drop them at one airport, direct flight, then I'm there at the other end. Insanely safe and easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't let my kids fly alone, even if they were older teenagers. You never know what can happen. Flight being delayed, canceled etc. Weirdos out there ...

It's a short flight, one parent can bring them, grandparent can bring them back ...

This is ridiculous. I flew alone starting at age 10. That’s young, yes, but come on — older teenagers? Land the helicopter, Mom.

[Anonymous]

I flew by myself from the time I was 8yo to see a parent living across country. I always had to change planes, usually at O'Hare or Minneapolis.

For a more voluntary trip (I.e., visiting grandparents rather than parents), I would wait until kids are older. By the time they are teenagers (13), I think most moderately mature kids can handle a flight by themselves.

Don't underestimate kids so much.

[Anonymous]

My 7 year old has been spending spring break week with my inlaws in Florida (we are in DC) since he was 5, but my MIL flies up and visits for a few days then flies to FL with him, then FIL flies him back and stays to visit for a few days. When DS decides he’s comfortable flying alone, we’ll do that. Is it possible your inlaws could do something like that?