Define high drive vs low drive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I am a high drive W with a lower than average drive H.

Here's how I define it: H doesn't act like he thinks about sex at all between sessions. No sexting, no flirting in person, no ass grabbing, no explicit comments. Very early in our relationship, told me he didn't see the point in kissing more than a peck or making out if it didn't lead to orgasm. Just not a sensual person. Can easily go a week between orgasms. Always happy with a quickie, never tries to extend. Never tries new positions. Can't tell my real vs. fake orgasms.

As a woman, I feel that I am higher drive than normal because if I had a willing partner, I'd be happy with four or five times a week, a couple of them long. I think about sex many times a day. I fantasize, I self pleasure. I would like to push the kink envelope. I have spontaneous, not responsive, desire.

NP here in very similar situation. What has happened, over the years, is that my drive has lessened because sex is pretty boring/routine. I tried for a long time to push the envelope, communicate to DH that sex begins long before the lights go out (or whatever), that for me it is mental, is is flirting, it is planning, it is trying new things. But he's uncomfortable with all of that. For hi m its like a light switch: it goes on, he wants sex, he's done, it goes off. That being said, he does try to please me in bed--its just that there's a lot he is uncomfortable trying/doing and he never acts sexual outside of the bedroom.

with my previous two partners, i was having sex daily, multiple times a day. I know that's not sustainable with kids, marriage, etc, but damn, it was good.

I want a lover, badly, but it will never happen. Oh well, there are worse things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a high drive W with a lower than average drive H.

Here's how I define it: H doesn't act like he thinks about sex at all between sessions. No sexting, no flirting in person, no ass grabbing, no explicit comments. Very early in our relationship, told me he didn't see the point in kissing more than a peck or making out if it didn't lead to orgasm. Just not a sensual person. Can easily go a week between orgasms. Always happy with a quickie, never tries to extend. Never tries new positions. Can't tell my real vs. fake orgasms.

As a woman, I feel that I am higher drive than normal because if I had a willing partner, I'd be happy with four or five times a week, a couple of them long. I think about sex many times a day. I fantasize, I self pleasure. I would like to push the kink envelope. I have spontaneous, not responsive, desire.

I feel ya sister, but I'm the H. I've made some lifestyle changes in my 40s that make me feel like a raging 20-something most days. Sadly, DW is not on the same page. I've been toying with the idea of seeking out an AP, but wouldn't even know where to start.

[Anonymous]

High drive-my DW before wedding vows
Low drive-my DW after wedding vows

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Average- 1-3x a week

Low Drive- Less than once a week

High Drive- More than 3x a week

Agreed

Yep!!

[Anonymous]

DH - I could have sex 2-3 times a day.

DW is at best, interested once per month.

Painful.

[Anonymous]

I think I'm pretty high drive when I'm in a relationship with the right person. In that case, I'd like to have sex multiple times per week and hopefully multiple times per night.

But when I'm not in a relationship---eh, there's not need to have sex just to have sex. I've not been dating anyone seriously for over a year and I haven't had sex in that time. It's not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:High drive-my DW before wedding vows
Low drive-my DW after wedding vows

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mentioned this on another post, and I'm sure it isn't original to me, but I think even a relatively small difference in drives creates a self-reinforcing process that exacerbates those differences into something more significant over the years.

High drive gets rejected, feels anxious about the amount of sex they're having, starts fixating on sex, pushes harder, and feels rejection even more keenly.

Low drive feels pressured which results in even less desire, rejects more frequently which leads to an increase in feelings of pressure, less desire, etc.

This is a great point. I consider myself high drive and my DW low drive. We were having starfish sex 2-3x a month and I fixated on the rejection (and had an affair, not proud of it, but there it is). I assumed I was a 10x per week drive. Once we got on a 2x per week rhythm, I was totally fine with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Technically, high drive would be someone who wants sex more often than average, while low drive would be the opposite. And average would, of course, depend on age. In my case, as a married guy in my late 40s, average is supposedly a few (2-3ish) times a month. I'd like more than that, but DW is only interested 1-2 times a month.

I can't believe that the average 40-something man only WANTS sex 2-3 times a month.

With someone he's been married to 10-20 years? I buy it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Technically, high drive would be someone who wants sex more often than average, while low drive would be the opposite. And average would, of course, depend on age. In my case, as a married guy in my late 40s, average is supposedly a few (2-3ish) times a month. I'd like more than that, but DW is only interested 1-2 times a month.

I can't believe that the average 40-something man only WANTS sex 2-3 times a month.

I can't believe that anybody considers 2-3 per MONTH to be AVERAGE.
I would never stay (faithfully) married at that level, nevermind your DW interest of 1-2 per month.

Ours is once every SIX MONTHS. I am the wife. Husband never initiates. Seems uninterested/rejecting when I try to initiate. We are early 40s. Is he having an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mentioned this on another post, and I'm sure it isn't original to me, but I think even a relatively small difference in drives creates a self-reinforcing process that exacerbates those differences into something more significant over the years.

High drive gets rejected, feels anxious about the amount of sex they're having, starts fixating on sex, pushes harder, and feels rejection even more keenly.

Low drive feels pressured which results in even less desire, rejects more frequently which leads to an increase in feelings of pressure, less desire, etc.

This is a great point. I consider myself high drive and my DW low drive. We were having starfish sex 2-3x a month and I fixated on the rejection (and had an affair, not proud of it, but there it is). I assumed I was a 10x per week drive. Once we got on a 2x per week rhythm, I was totally fine with it.

What is starfish sex?

[Anonymous]

High drive = the one of does the thrusting/riding
Low drive= the one who lies there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mentioned this on another post, and I'm sure it isn't original to me, but I think even a relatively small difference in drives creates a self-reinforcing process that exacerbates those differences into something more significant over the years.

High drive gets rejected, feels anxious about the amount of sex they're having, starts fixating on sex, pushes harder, and feels rejection even more keenly.

Low drive feels pressured which results in even less desire, rejects more frequently which leads to an increase in feelings of pressure, less desire, etc.

This is a great point. I consider myself high drive and my DW low drive. We were having starfish sex 2-3x a month and I fixated on the rejection (and had an affair, not proud of it, but there it is). I assumed I was a 10x per week drive. Once we got on a 2x per week rhythm, I was totally fine with it.

What is starfish sex?

Starfish sex- A woman laying back spread like a starfish. She looks pretty like a starfish but does nothing else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I tried for a long time to push the envelope, communicate to DH that sex begins long before the lights go out (or whatever), that for me it is mental, is is flirting, it is planning, it is trying new things.

Probably a different dynamic in PP's marriage, but for me the long lead up has fallen by the wayside after too many rejections. It's fun and makes sex better when the long lead up actually leads to sex. But it makes the rejection sting that much more when attempts to flirt throughout the day are not well appreciated during the day and result in no sexual activity. A quick rejection at the end of the day isn't great, but it's much less painful than a rejection after a day of planning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a high drive W with a lower than average drive H.

Here's how I define it: H doesn't act like he thinks about sex at all between sessions. No sexting, no flirting in person, no ass grabbing, no explicit comments. Very early in our relationship, told me he didn't see the point in kissing more than a peck or making out if it didn't lead to orgasm. Just not a sensual person. Can easily go a week between orgasms. Always happy with a quickie, never tries to extend. Never tries new positions. Can't tell my real vs. fake orgasms.

As a woman, I feel that I am higher drive than normal because if I had a willing partner, I'd be happy with four or five times a week, a couple of them long. I think about sex many times a day. I fantasize, I self pleasure. I would like to push the kink envelope. I have spontaneous, not responsive, desire.

I am so so jealous of your DH. You sound like every man's dream. Except your husband

Or mine.