My sister's husband is crazy and dangerous

[Anonymous]

Protective order isn't going to do jack.

She needs to move houses, and not give him the new address. Block him on all accounts and/or shut down all social media accounts.

Get a gun. Get a high security system and a dog to alert her if the guy comes around.

She needs to take this seriously and do all this stuff ASAP. Women are murdered ALL THE TIME by their exes- in fact, this is probably the time she is at the most danger.

She needs to act fast to save her life and the lives of her children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks - I'm going to try the hotline. I really want to just go down there myself and get her phone, text messages and send to the police. She's done with him but she not going to do it..

When he left and was on a "good" day he bought her a gun to keep at the house to keep her and the girls "safe". Then on one of his rampage days he came over to get it back. She said she locked herself in a room and left it on the counter. I think that's why she's so scared. She knows he has guns and could use them.

I want her to trade in her car (not ideal right...) so he doesn't know what she's driving. She just feels like as long as she keeps him "happy" and "calm" she's safe...

He already has a gun, so she needs to get one of her own. This just keeps getting worse.

[Anonymous]

FWIW I moved *states* within a week of feeling threatened by an abusive ex, and he was never as explicit as your BIL is being. It is really that serious. She needs to act boldly NOW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he is bipolar and dangerous. She should get a protection order, if she thinks that would do any good.

He's just an abuser. This how they roll. Bipolar has nothing to do with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So quick backstory. My sister has been married to her husband for 10 years. They have two kids and from the beginning I knew he was not going to be a good fit. He was constantly attached to her, "protecting" her, but it was all because he was a controlling asshole. I could go on about situations throughout the years.. Well fast forward and my sister was feeling smothered by his insecurity and controlling.

And that's when we went off the deep end. For the past few months she's been dealing with conversations and text messages that go up and down like a roller coaster. One minute it's "please please please" the next it's telling his daughters my sister is an ugly bitch. It's gotten violent and he finally moved out. But it hasn't gotten better it's gotten worse. He quit his job and decided to move out of state because he "didn't have any money". Not really sure about that since he's not giving my sister money and has a decent job but okay...

So he moved and my sister finally felt like she could breathe. Well this past weekend a guy friend posted a photo of them at the gym and the crazy texts started flying. This time they were the most disturbing. Some included... "I'll hold a gun to your head while your being raped", "I'm going to kill myself in your bed". You get the gist.

I've been telling her for months she needs to get a protective order. I told her again yesterday and she said she was scared that if she did, it would set him off and he'd come to kill her.

We live in different states and she doesn't have any family around. She's dealing with this alone with her girls. I'm scared for her because I don't see him one day deciding it's okay that this is over.... I'm just so scared for her and want her to be safe.

Get a protective order take all that down to the court and she can have a temp PO in place in a few hours. If he sends another email or text or what ever , report it they can put out a bench warrant for him on the spot and even if in another state he will get picked up. When she has done all this, go get a gun and learn to use it. A PO is only a piece of paper and she at best can only give him a paper cut. PO is to see if he is smart enough to cut that crap out, the gun is to protect herself and children so she doesn't end up as a statistic

Do not agree with the suggestion to buy a gun. Bringing a gun into this house with children increases the likelihood that someone will be injured either accidentally or by the abuser. Get restraining order. Change locks. Move, if possible. Do not post any more pictures on social media of any kind. Get a lawyer. Do not get a gun.

Getting a gun is a stupid, stupid idea. The PP that suggested she get it and learn to use it needs a serious whack on the head.

If he is determined to kill her an order of protection will do nothing. It's just a piece of paper. He can kill her before the police get there.

Remember this story: http://www.khou.com/news/crime/911-calls-reveal-katy-sisters-terror/258398731

They were on the phone with the police when the mother killed them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do protective/restraining orders really do anything to prevent violence against the filer?

They are actually pretty effective. People comply more often than not. Of course there are horrible exceptions, but it should be everyone's first step.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do protective/restraining orders really do anything to prevent violence against the filer?

They are actually pretty effective. People comply more often than not. Of course there are horrible exceptions, but it should be everyone's first step.

And, a lot of the official system (e.g. bosses protecting you from deranged ex showing up on the job as opposed to disciplining you b/c you can't keep your shit straight, schools happily letting the kid go home with Dad, etc.) is dependent on the restraining order getting in place.

Social media lockdown, a possible move, and yes, even buying a gun if she feels comfortable are all other steps to be taken. But -- a lot of the official system's power won't be brought to bear UNTIL a (T)RO is brought to hand.

If I'm showing up at home Frank Dunning style, my command and control loop can get disrupted if my intended victims act in unexpected ways, and a victim having a gun is one such way. On the other hand, simply having a chair thrown at me or a loud alarm can do just that. (Oh yeah, get an alarm and get a door chain stat.)

But -- your sister has to have the guts to shoot within 1-2 seconds of positively identifying her ex as the threat. Otherwise there's a standoff in which things can happen -- kids show up, the ex tries to "negotiate" looking for a chance to lunge and disarm the sister, etc.

If an abusive ex violates the proective order, and crosses the threshold w/o permission, I doubt any DA in the country would really prosecute a woman that shot said abusive ex. 3x so if he were armed. Now if said ex left and the woman shot her ex in the back, that's a different matter entirely.

And -- there is the very high risk of OP's sister accidentally shooting her own kids or some rando that knocked on the wrong door. The gun proponents can't ignore that one.

OP's sister would have to secure the gun in a way so that she could get it and arm it within seconds, and have the presence of mind to identify a real threat as opposed to "older daughter getting some food from the fridge at 10pm." Not everyone has that -- not even all cops as many of the tragic shooting stories have demonstrated.

Also -- if OP's sister lives in a TH, don't get something like a .45 where a round can go into the next house just like *that*. A shotgun would probably suffice and would require less active training/aiming and be less damaging to the neighbors.

Also I would avoid any place where the ex has "friends." If the ex is hunting buddies with half the police force in County X, then don't live in County X.

Sorry, random thoughts here. A gun is a tool that has its own risks -- I'm not going to be the suburban ninny getting the vapors at the mere mention of the G-word, but I'm not going to be a gung-ho gun nut who thinks buying a gun will solve all problems. In a rural area (especially if you have animals) a gun becomes much more necessary. When in doubt, don't get one -- and I don't own one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do protective/restraining orders really do anything to prevent violence against the filer?

They are actually pretty effective. People comply more often than not. Of course there are horrible exceptions, but it should be everyone's first step.

She also needs an order of protection to establish a pattern. It will show that he's been threatening her, and that she fears him. It will create more credibility if he does do something. Also, each time he breaks the order, she reports it, and so a police record starts building. This will help with the divorce and custody.