S/O: Family dinners growing up

[Anonymous]

Depends. The weekly family dinners on Sunday at my grandma's was kind of nice (esp when I was little). Lots of family, conversation, fun, etc.

The dinners at home on the daily were miserable. Forced to eat the same rotation of gross comfort foods: tuna casserole, pork chops, meatloaf, etc. always with a starch and overcooked veggies from a can. I can't eat any of it now. And, of course, this being the 70s/80s, I was forced to sit there and eat it (or sneak it to the dogs). There was no talk about "how our day was." Generally silence or fear of upsetting my father. I tried to get out of there as fast as sI could.

[Anonymous]

We ate together, because it worked logistically, but the times were fairly flexible. We snacked whenever we wanted. Daily food was about sustenance, not some fancy production with expensive silverware and napkins. (Which we did have, but only used around holidays and on special occasions.) I didn't then and don't know have any defined emotions about sitting down at the table. It's a functional thing, not the quality time it is for some people. Quality time for me has little to do with food. I do enjoy holiday meals, however.

I think the research around family dinners is bogus. I simply don't see how you can clearly demonstrate causation in this instance. I believe too many American middle class whites are worship the Oprah-like subculture that tells them which napkins will save their kids from all life's troubles

[Anonymous]

OP, as I mentioned before, the dinner table is the stage for family pathology to show itself.
If a family is dysfunctional, the kids feel it most at dinner. All eyes on them and so on. Bad memories.

[Anonymous]

I think mine were pretty normal. We ate dinner, we chatted about our days and our plans, my parents occasionally reminded us to chew with our mouths closed, we all helped clear the dishes. It's not like those are my fondest memories or anything, but it was a nice part of our family routine--I generally got along with my parents, who are generally nice people, and my mom was a good cook, so dinners were usually pleasant.

There was a fight or two when we were younger about food, but my parents neither made us eat stuff we really disliked nor made us special meals--you chose from the available dishes and if you filled up on bread and carrot sticks, so be it.

[Anonymous]

Its really nice to read about happy memories of family dinners. I hope to make the same for my family but right now they are full of struggle (kids are 4 and 1, and 4 year old is picky!).

I grew up in a dysfunctional household with a single mother and I was the only child. Mom often ate dinner in livingroom in front of the tv watching the news while I sat at the table and read. I now have trouble talking to people over dinner as it doesn't feel natural. It feels like something forced. I am trying to fix this!

[Anonymous]

Traditional household, SAHM, I was the only kid at home for most of my childhood. Funcitonal family. But the family dinners -- I'm not a fan. Fully set table, candles, etc. I would have been ravenous two hours earlier so unbelievably cranky by the time dinner came. I was much happier when my mother finally realized my hunger came at a different timetable so allowed me to eat earlier on my own.

My DH's family had 3 kids close in age so they just put food out on the stove and whenever someone wanted to eat, it was there.

We rarely all sit down to eat together unless we go out and that's perfectly fine with me.

[Anonymous]

My family did not do family dinners. My parents filled our freezer with TV dinners and my sibling and I warmed them in the microwave. My parents were off at meetings and work and other things. They would also go out to eat at restaurants and while my sibling and I were invariably invited, we usually did not go. My parents would have said that it "worked for us" and even that we kids preferred it that way. But, in retrospect, I see this as just one symptom of how utterly disconnected they were with their own children and how we really were like strangers who lived our own separate lives in the same house.

My DH grew up with family dinners. We have them in the family we created together. The expectation is that we will eat together. Even if I have to work late, he sits down with the kids. The food is not fancy. Sometimes it is pizza or just cereal. But the general expectation is food and conversation. We don't force the kids to eat anything or insist that they eat, but if they don't want to come we do ask them to come and say family dinner is important, just to spend time together. As the kids get older we will have them each cook one night a week.

[Anonymous]

Quick question from an immigrant. I heard from DH that eating out was not the norm while he was growing up, but when I moved to US in early 90s his family was eating out a lot. He said that is the time they started going more and more to restaurants and ordering food. I see a trend of eating out even more now and I am wondering if my DH's experience is true for a lot of people who grew up in the States?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Quick question from an immigrant. I heard from DH that eating out was not the norm while he was growing up, but when I moved to US in early 90s his family was eating out a lot. He said that is the time they started going more and more to restaurants and ordering food. I see a trend of eating out even more now and I am wondering if my DH's experience is true for a lot of people who grew up in the States?

I grew up in the 70s. Eating out was VERY rare. Yes, it is happening more and more. We did not always have afancy dinner when my mother was too tired, but we did not resort to restaurants. We did the omlette thing, or even oatmeal or cornmeal. We loved that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think mine were pretty normal. We ate dinner, we chatted about our days and our plans, my parents occasionally reminded us to chew with our mouths closed, we all helped clear the dishes. It's not like those are my fondest memories or anything, but it was a nice part of our family routine--I generally got along with my parents, who are generally nice people, and my mom was a good cook, so dinners were usually pleasant.

There was a fight or two when we were younger about food, but my parents neither made us eat stuff we really disliked nor made us special meals--you chose from the available dishes and if you filled up on bread and carrot sticks, so be it.

Sounds like dinner at my house. We didn't stay long at the table but it was a pleasant and expected part of the routine. I was a picky eater who had trouble with especially with spicy foods so mom would keep some food separate before adding spices. We do the same with our kids (11 and 13.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quick question from an immigrant. I heard from DH that eating out was not the norm while he was growing up, but when I moved to US in early 90s his family was eating out a lot. He said that is the time they started going more and more to restaurants and ordering food. I see a trend of eating out even more now and I am wondering if my DH's experience is true for a lot of people who grew up in the States?

I grew up in the 70s. Eating out was VERY rare. Yes, it is happening more and more. We did not always have afancy dinner when my mother was too tired, but we did not resort to restaurants. We did the omlette thing, or even oatmeal or cornmeal. We loved that.

I grew up in the 70-80s in CA. Yes, eating out was rare. We'd go to a nice restaurant for a special occasion and maybe fast food/take out for dinner once every month or two.

DH grew up in the 60-70s in southern VA in a lower income family. He never ate at a restaurant until he was in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had them, and there were fights/yelling every night. My kids are youngish teenagers, and so far, we've avoided this.

Yep. If family members can't be kind to each other, or insist on being downright hostile to each other, any time together is going to be painful.