Make me feel better about my MIL...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ughh...that would drive me crazy.

I have a bunch of non-issues with MIL that drive me crazy too. But she is far away, and I actually haven't seen her at all in over a year because I am just done.

1) DH and I are both doctors. She keeps forgetting this. She occasionally asks if I am still in training (she was at my medical school graduation 12 years ago), but otherwise does not seem to know that I work.
2) She refused to be in any wedding photos that I was also in because she was upset that I had not invited her to get her hair done with me, my sister, and my mom. Because that day was about her.
3) Every time I invite her to a kids party or the like, she acts like I am totally incompetent. Telling everyone loudly that her party for this event was so much better, that she is shocked how poorly I care for my children, bringing food and cake in case I forgot.
4) She was diagnosed with cancer about 2 years ago, and I asked if I could join her for one of her appointments to make sure that DH and I understood everything that was going on and could help advise her appropriately since she was asking for our input and because I fucking care about her. She literally calls me the night before and tells me that she has an appointment at 11am the next day (she lives 2 hours away from me). I have a small solo practice. I would have had to get a babysitter, go into my office, and call all of my patients scheduled the next day and cancel. She now says that I can't be bothered to go to her appointments, so she isn't going to ask.
5) More than once, I have made plans to see her, packed up all of the kids, driven up, and she has cancelled minutes before we were scheduled to be there. Once, when she wasn't feeling well, but we hadn't seen her for several months, I had even rented a hotel room near her home so that she could just stop by and watch the kids play in the hotel pool and wouldn't feel obligated to walk around with them or let them run through her home. She told me that she hoped I had a nice trip to her city, but she couldn't make it. At all. For five minutes. All weekend. She couldn't come to us, and we couldn't go to her.

I don't know. I could go on and on. It's all trivial, but it all drives me insane in the moment.

Your MIL sounds like she has lots of issues. But look carefully at some of your list here. It sounds like you share some responsibility for your relationship status.

Try to see things from her POV. You have been not been super welcoming it sounds. Then want to be their for HER consult? Bring your kids to her city when she's not feeling well and then upset that she couldn't face your family for some reason that prob has nothing to do with you? Come on.

This post is a classic case of "there are two sides to every story."

Not sure how you're coming to that conclusion. From PP's description of her MIL, blame rests firmly on MIL's side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ughh...that would drive me crazy.

I have a bunch of non-issues with MIL that drive me crazy too. But she is far away, and I actually haven't seen her at all in over a year because I am just done.

1) DH and I are both doctors. She keeps forgetting this. She occasionally asks if I am still in training (she was at my medical school graduation 12 years ago), but otherwise does not seem to know that I work.
2) She refused to be in any wedding photos that I was also in because she was upset that I had not invited her to get her hair done with me, my sister, and my mom. Because that day was about her.
3) Every time I invite her to a kids party or the like, she acts like I am totally incompetent. Telling everyone loudly that her party for this event was so much better, that she is shocked how poorly I care for my children, bringing food and cake in case I forgot.
4) She was diagnosed with cancer about 2 years ago, and I asked if I could join her for one of her appointments to make sure that DH and I understood everything that was going on and could help advise her appropriately since she was asking for our input and because I fucking care about her. She literally calls me the night before and tells me that she has an appointment at 11am the next day (she lives 2 hours away from me). I have a small solo practice. I would have had to get a babysitter, go into my office, and call all of my patients scheduled the next day and cancel. She now says that I can't be bothered to go to her appointments, so she isn't going to ask.
5) More than once, I have made plans to see her, packed up all of the kids, driven up, and she has cancelled minutes before we were scheduled to be there. Once, when she wasn't feeling well, but we hadn't seen her for several months, I had even rented a hotel room near her home so that she could just stop by and watch the kids play in the hotel pool and wouldn't feel obligated to walk around with them or let them run through her home. She told me that she hoped I had a nice trip to her city, but she couldn't make it. At all. For five minutes. All weekend. She couldn't come to us, and we couldn't go to her.

I don't know. I could go on and on. It's all trivial, but it all drives me insane in the moment.

Wow, PP. Totally not trivial. She sounds way worse than my MIL and mine sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, just dislike your mil and be done with it. Stop trying to pile on every flaw she has. I find it sad when people focus on the flaws instead of on the good things about people.

But go ahead and keep on hating and being inside your head and being miserable that she exists. Because that's what you're going to do anyway instead of trying to see the good and focus on that, which would just make everyone happy

STFU

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Opie, it is totally okay to hate your mother-in-law. But you should be asking for ways to handle the problem not validation for your hate. That is not healthy emotion at all.

Ticking off all the things wrong with someone will just blow up in your head. You need to work on a more positive strategy like dealing with her, or if you can't, dealing with your own reactions.

Because your own reaction is the only thing you can control is how you choose to handle your emotions and hurt toxic personality

We're not going to call OP's "Opie," just so you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ughh...that would drive me crazy.

I have a bunch of non-issues with MIL that drive me crazy too. But she is far away, and I actually haven't seen her at all in over a year because I am just done.

1) DH and I are both doctors. She keeps forgetting this. She occasionally asks if I am still in training (she was at my medical school graduation 12 years ago), but otherwise does not seem to know that I work.
2) She refused to be in any wedding photos that I was also in because she was upset that I had not invited her to get her hair done with me, my sister, and my mom. Because that day was about her.
3) Every time I invite her to a kids party or the like, she acts like I am totally incompetent. Telling everyone loudly that her party for this event was so much better, that she is shocked how poorly I care for my children, bringing food and cake in case I forgot.
4) She was diagnosed with cancer about 2 years ago, and I asked if I could join her for one of her appointments to make sure that DH and I understood everything that was going on and could help advise her appropriately since she was asking for our input and because I fucking care about her. She literally calls me the night before and tells me that she has an appointment at 11am the next day (she lives 2 hours away from me). I have a small solo practice. I would have had to get a babysitter, go into my office, and call all of my patients scheduled the next day and cancel. She now says that I can't be bothered to go to her appointments, so she isn't going to ask.
5) More than once, I have made plans to see her, packed up all of the kids, driven up, and she has cancelled minutes before we were scheduled to be there. Once, when she wasn't feeling well, but we hadn't seen her for several months, I had even rented a hotel room near her home so that she could just stop by and watch the kids play in the hotel pool and wouldn't feel obligated to walk around with them or let them run through her home. She told me that she hoped I had a nice trip to her city, but she couldn't make it. At all. For five minutes. All weekend. She couldn't come to us, and we couldn't go to her.

I don't know. I could go on and on. It's all trivial, but it all drives me insane in the moment.

Your MIL sounds like she has lots of issues. But look carefully at some of your list here. It sounds like you share some responsibility for your relationship status.

Try to see things from her POV. You have been not been super welcoming it sounds. Then want to be their for HER consult? Bring your kids to her city when she's not feeling well and then upset that she couldn't face your family for some reason that prob has nothing to do with you? Come on.

This post is a classic case of "there are two sides to every story."

Yeah. I don't know. I have tried to see her POV, but in the end it doesn't matter much. She doesn't seem to want a relationship with me, and I can't say that I much care if I have a relationship with her anymore. DH doesn't seem to care. The kids don't even know her, and they never will because she is dying of cancer and won't see them if she doesn't feel well, no matter what I do. So, it is what it is. We exchange Christmas cards.

[Anonymous]

My MIL ran up thousands of dollars of credit card debt after my DH and his brother paid off my IL's house. DH and brother-in-law then paid off her credit debt and she promised she would never do it again , blah, blah,
blah. A few years later, DH found out they the ILs took out a second mortgage on their paid off house to support more credit card debt my MIL racked up. Fast forward to this year, we just found out that she again ran up thousands in new credit card debt even after DH and brother set up trust and took control of the IL's finances. She sickens me but I have to play nice to keep peace in the family. I'm just so sad for my DH and his brother. Her lies and manipulation have no limit and my FIL's enabling is pathetic. She has really done a number on the entire famiily, but due to longstanding dysfunction,
everyone continues to let her operate.

[Anonymous]

Your MIL doesn't sound that bad at all, she sounds really lonely and elderly. You don't mention that she gossips you or says mean things about you. Just that she wants time with your DH and your kids/her grandkids. Many old people become difficult and many MILs always are, so skip a few visits, send DH and kids. It sounds like you resent the time your DH spends with her and not with you, so in that case you are more like her than you might realize. I speculate that you are not middle aged, but on the younger side? It is very typical that in the first years of marriage you want your DH to yourself and might be jealous of time he spends with anybody else but you and your family. This wears off with time and you learn to enjoy time just by yourself. I am not saying your MIL isn't difficult, but try to more understanding. Yes, it is very difficult spending so much of your free time with MIL, but learn to send DH there and not resent her spending time with him. I understand both your sides, but by showing kindness you will be more at ease with yourself and it will make you happier in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Edit - no family except for her other children and us, who all live in DC. She has completely alienated her other siblings (who are scattered around the country) and her own parents, who live in another state, and are in their 90s and still very much alive - they just never see their daughter. Lord help me with her superior genetics.

Where are your DH's siblings in this equation?

They are all local. We all do the best we can (the occasional dinner, trying to help her when she asks for it). But everyone is busy with life in their own ways - kids, travel, demanding jobs. You know, like normal families.

She is your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, get a load of this. My husband was adopted since his mom could not have children. MIL adores babies.

When we first got married, my MIL said that she knew I was a modern woman who enjoyed working. So instead of leaving the baby with a nanny, she could take the baby and raise it in the UK.

I almost choked on my Diet Coke. My inlaws live in a small town in the north of England. They just got wifi last year and live the same way they did in the 1970s. Modern appliances are not needed and the only seasonings they use in the house are salt and ketchup.

Over my dead body would my child be raised like that!!!

Apart from the totally crazy part about your MIL wanting to steal your baby, that kind of childhood, actaully sounds incredibly awesome to me. I grew up like that, I feel sad that my kids can't run around the orchard and the land like I did. But the no spices is still a deal breaker!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, just dislike your mil and be done with it. Stop trying to pile on every flaw she has. I find it sad when people focus on the flaws instead of on the good things about people.

But go ahead and keep on hating and being inside your head and being miserable that she exists. Because that's what you're going to do anyway instead of trying to see the good and focus on that, which would just make everyone happy

LOL this

OP, you sound crazy. If someone saying that "it's been forever" is riling you up, you got issues other than having to spend time with MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, get a load of this. My husband was adopted since his mom could not have children. MIL adores babies.

When we first got married, my MIL said that she knew I was a modern woman who enjoyed working. So instead of leaving the baby with a nanny, she could take the baby and raise it in the UK.

I almost choked on my Diet Coke. My inlaws live in a small town in the north of England. They just got wifi last year and live the same way they did in the 1970s. Modern appliances are not needed and the only seasonings they use in the house are salt and ketchup.

Over my dead body would my child be raised like that!!!

Apart from the totally crazy part about your MIL wanting to steal your baby, that kind of childhood, actaully sounds incredibly awesome to me. I grew up like that, I feel sad that my kids can't run around the orchard and the land like I did. But the no spices is still a deal breaker!

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