6th grade girls - best friend has moved onto another group/friend

[Anonymous]

I'm one of the PPs and also a teacher educator who educates middle and HS teachers. I always stress the importance of teachers forming groups and pairs and not leaving it up to MS students to pair themselves off. My DD spent the first year of Hebrew School alone with no one to pair up with (she started late - everyone already knew each other), and she dreaded it every week. She absolutely hated that the teacher always came over and said "well I guess we are a pair again." Why didn't the teacher put her with another child even once? It simply reinforced her outsiderness.

Anyway, I always tell my soon-to-be-teachers to think about not only the academic pairings/groupings but also the social ones and make extra sure that every student is "placed" so no one is left out when a teachers is teaming people up.

There are so many simple things that teachers can do to make students' lives easier if they just give a few minutes to think about the students' needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm one of the PPs and also a teacher educator who educates middle and HS teachers. I always stress the importance of teachers forming groups and pairs and not leaving it up to MS students to pair themselves off. My DD spent the first year of Hebrew School alone with no one to pair up with (she started late - everyone already knew each other), and she dreaded it every week. She absolutely hated that the teacher always came over and said "well I guess we are a pair again." Why didn't the teacher put her with another child even once? It simply reinforced her outsiderness.

Anyway, I always tell my soon-to-be-teachers to think about not only the academic pairings/groupings but also the social ones and make extra sure that every student is "placed" so no one is left out when a teachers is teaming people up.

There are so many simple things that teachers can do to make students' lives easier if they just give a few minutes to think about the students' needs.

Absolutely agree with this, but would also like to highlight the importance of open communication that PP teacher mentioned. Knowing that a student could use an extra bit of love is really helpful.

[Anonymous]

IT's useful to have them in a few activities that don't center around school -- might be a scout troop with kids from other schools; a church activity; a volunteer activity in the community; a swim team or youth orchestra that includes kids from a variety of schools. This will enable them to develop some other friendships that won't be torpedoed when the cliques at their school go through some implosion. This worked for our daughter -- she had a good friend from swim team, some buddies from a volunteer activity that she did for several years. Even when things were rough at school there were other kids to hang out with. I grew up around extended family and always had a girl cousin who was my age to pal around with. IN the absence of extended family, it's good to branch out with non-school activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not only girls! My DS is in a similar situation - breaks my heart to see him "chase" the boy who was is BF over summer and has moved on since school started. We also ramped up activities, as well as lots of encouragement to find other friends. Good luck - sniff sniff.

+1

here too. my son had a hard time in the beginning of sixth grade, similar to OP's child but by the end had a few new friends. 7th grade is going great so far-fingers crossed-his friendships are stronger and he has a group of close friends now. Hang in there...

[Anonymous]

I feel for you momma and your DD.

In therapy we see a lot of kids in 6th and 7th grade who have similar issues. My best advice to you is that you encourage your DD to make some new friends, do this through different kinds of social activities in the community, church, and sports or interests like dance if she isn't already involved.

A lot of kids who were ES friends tend to come back and form relationships in HS if they're in the same area, or in college and beyond. Let your DD know that this isn't her fault. Some people just change and move on to different interests and prepare her now for what life will keep serving her over and over. Prepare them young so you equip her with the ability to accept the things she cannot change at an early age rather than waiting for more breakdowns to occur in her later years.

Help her understand that her BFF's decision is in no way connected or reflected on your DD as a person. It's just who the BFF has become and feels like she should explore other friendships and interests just as you would be encouraging DD to do as well. Most important is that DD grows comfortable in her own skin.

[Anonymous]

how is lunch organized at the school? do kids sit where they want or are they assigned tables?

I ask because my son is in 6th at a new school, and I am really pleased that the school assigns tables. I didn't really understand at first, but now I see the reasoning. in the beginning of the year they sit just with their homeroom (to bond with their homeroom) and as the year goes on they sit with their homeroom tables 3x a week, and sit with a different "scrambled" table 2 days a week. every so often the scrambled table changes to a whole new group. basically, the social circles are widening in a controlled way. it's such a great thing for my son because he's getting to know all the kids in his grade a little at a time and he's not just sitting with his "crew" every day (which is what he'd do if left to his own choosing).

I know you can't get a school to change the way they do lunch but I just thought I'd offer an example of way that some schools add structure to the social scene at lunch. for the middle grades, especially 6th, this seems important.

[Anonymous]

and.... my sister, who is now 49 years old, STILL has memories of when this happened in..... yup, 6th grade!

It didn't happen to me - although why I have no idea because every other horrible thing happened to me! But my younger sister can still tell you each and every sad and upsetting thing that X did as the friends changed and the cliques formed and reformed.

Seems universal. Horrible but universal. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm one of the PPs and also a teacher educator who educates middle and HS teachers. I always stress the importance of teachers forming groups and pairs and not leaving it up to MS students to pair themselves off. My DD spent the first year of Hebrew School alone with no one to pair up with (she started late - everyone already knew each other), and she dreaded it every week. She absolutely hated that the teacher always came over and said "well I guess we are a pair again." Why didn't the teacher put her with another child even once? It simply reinforced her outsiderness.

Anyway, I always tell my soon-to-be-teachers to think about not only the academic pairings/groupings but also the social ones and make extra sure that every student is "placed" so no one is left out when a teachers is teaming people up.

There are so many simple things that teachers can do to make students' lives easier if they just give a few minutes to think about the students' needs.

Oh my my goodness, reading this makes me so mad. What was that teacher thinking? Your poor daughter. No one needs a teacher (of all people!) to point out something so awkward. I agree, she should have paired her with other kids from the start, to integrate her into the classroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Note that lots of girls expand their friendships and then return to friends from ES. So support your DD in maintaining a good relationship, even if its changing.

Very true! I still got my friend from ES, 31 years later. I recall didn't see much of her in MS though and I was sad when she was branching out. It happens, just have to continue to make new friends and keep on going.

[Anonymous]

OP my 11 y.o. is having this issue right now. I recommend Girls will be Girls by Joann Deak. It's great and discusses the BFF issue and developmental stage specifically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD has social skills challenges and is shy about making new friends... It does not make it easier that she is not into music, clothes, boys. I find her to be withdrawn lately which is sad to watch. Her bFF moved away last year and she has not rebounded.

Have you found anything to help?
How do you cope - it;s usually also hard on the mom.

No, I have not... I am going to look for a therapist to help her, and/or social skills support. She is an introvert so not horribly bothered, but still very lonely and not interested in activities.

It is very hard, and she is getting more withdrawn into books, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
NP - I appreciate everyone's input. My DD 4th grade is going through a hard time now. She is great one on one and has several successful one on one friends. What is TERRIBLY hard for her is when there is a group. Recess is especially hard as her individual friends join in groups. While my DD has good friendship skills, she questions that these girls like her and excludes herself.


SHe was so down on herself last night, I cried myself to sleep.

I know social media, when the time comes will be horrific.

I could have written this post. My 5th grade DD has started noticing that her BFF is spending all of her recess time joining into a big group of popular girls who stand and gossip about boys and clothes and TV shows and whatever, leaving my DD (a nerdy quiet girl) on the sidelines. She's very awkward in groups and so shy - she doesn't know how to join a group or talk to the more socially advanced girls. On weekends, the BFF still wants to play with my DD and they get along great...just at school she leaves her in the dust. My dd is so sad. I wish I could help her. These are tough times.

[Anonymous]

My daughter went through something like this in 6th grade. The next year she got a very tall, handsome athletic boyfriend who was a year older ( they had a sweet relationship appropriate for their ages). Suddenly she was miss popularity, invited to all the parties, etc. These things often take care of themselves.