For those of us who won't be able to play , 'Hello'

[Anonymous]

Discussing refugees and gay marridge are NOT dinner table subjects.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ironic and totally control freaky of you. We are celebrating THANKSGIVING, a very AMERICAN tradition. Let's celebrate all that is great about America, such as our right to free speech, no?

I agree - but the right to free speech means that you also have the right to speak up in disagreement. Of course, please don't borrow trouble - just because she's saying it on FB, doesn't mean that she will say it at the dinner table. If she does, then you can speak up respectfully since you don't want to ruin TG dinner with a family argument. Just say I disagree with everything you've said, and we can continue the conversation in private if you want, but perhaps to provide a sanctuary for the good feelings and family here at the table, we can "table" the discussion until later.

[Anonymous]

I struggle with these issues also OP, and how I handle it varies some based on the situation, the people involved, my mood, whether kids are present etc...

Sometimes I let things pass and "just keep chewing". But more frequently, and most of the time, I'll say something that at least puts me on record as disagreeing. "Well, I actually feel pretty differently about that issue but this isn't the time or place for that discussion."

And I have different levels of that kind of reaction so if homosexuality is a subject then it might me "You know, I actually have several important and much loved people in my life who are gay. So maybe we should change the subject."

On occasion I might be as direct as "I find that statement pretty offensive." If I do that I generally am prepared to really engage in some level of discussion or public disagreement. Which I don't often do, and if I decide to do that I will have a brief conversation and then end it. So I will have an escape plan in place for getting away from the person pretty directly. Like as we might be leaving for the night so it doesn't cut short a holiday or something.

Good luck OP. I think there are lots of gray areas and a wide variety of "right"ways to handle these things.

[Anonymous]

Who appointed OP the conversation police? Chances are she thinks your opinions are whacko.

[Anonymous]

"Anna, you know the Pilgrims were illegal immigrants, right? And here we are celebrating their holiday. Great dinner, by the way!"

[Anonymous]

A few approaches.

1. Change the subject
2. When she spouts off her close minded bigotry, just let your chin drop and say " wow." And nothing else.
3. If she baits you, just calmly explain that you do not engage in debates with unintelligent people.

Ok, I would really only do 1, but I would dream of 2 and 3. I would also prep my kids for the fact they have a relative with different views and everyone has a right to thier own opinion. Then maybe prepare for the after conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am confused, why can't you play "Hello"?

She is referring to the SNL skit where a relative is mouthing off her biased views so one of the kids starts playing the song hello to stop the conversation.

[Anonymous]

My sister is married to a black man (we are Caucasian) and has two biracial kids. I married an immigrant who recently became a US citizen. My uncle is definitely gay but isn't "out". My BIL is Native American/Hispanic. I am super liberal. Many of my relatives are middle of the road. My mother is hard core republican with serious views on refugees, gay marriage, black lived matter, transgendered, etc. she likes Sarah Palin and thinks Putin is awesome. my family looks like an old school Benetton ad. that skit will actually be our thanksgiving table. My sister is hosting and does plan on playing Adele as a joke if it were to be needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My cousin's wife believes that refugees should be turned away and gay marriage is evil! I feel like loosing my mind thinking about her ignorance. These topics have never come up before but because of Facebook I know we don't share similar beliefs. So what does DCUM do when these topics come
Up at dinner? Scream at the ignorance or keep chewing on your turkey??????

Then they are unlikely to come up again, unless you bring them up.

NP here - I'm going home for Thanksgiving for the first time in several years. DH and I will be the lone liberals in a sea of conservatives. I stopped going home for holidays simply because my family thinks it's really fun to bring up political topics - especially when they know I will disagree with them. I don't know why they think it's fun. I know that we vehemently disagree on most things (personally, I'm pretty far left on the scale, so I disagree with a lot of people on a lot of things), so I would never, ever bring up politics/religion/whatever. Without fail, though, someone will say something to pick a fight. It's super. Especially when you are the only one expressing a different view, and everyone else bombards you.

Anyway, after endless conversations about how Thanksgiving is supposed to be a holiday of togetherness and why do they always have to pick a fight, I just stopped going. For the last several years, DH and I have just had a little thanksgiving just the two of us. So great. But my mother really laid on the guilt this year, so we are going to try again. I'm going into this prepared to walk out if things get dicey, though. So there's that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My cousin's wife believes that refugees should be turned away and gay marriage is evil! I feel like loosing my mind thinking about her ignorance. These topics have never come up before but because of Facebook I know we don't share similar beliefs. So what does DCUM do when these topics come
Up at dinner? Scream at the ignorance or keep chewing on your turkey??????

Then they are unlikely to come up again, unless you bring them up.

NP here - I'm going home for Thanksgiving for the first time in several years. DH and I will be the lone liberals in a sea of conservatives. I stopped going home for holidays simply because my family thinks it's really fun to bring up political topics - especially when they know I will disagree with them. I don't know why they think it's fun. I know that we vehemently disagree on most things (personally, I'm pretty far left on the scale, so I disagree with a lot of people on a lot of things), so I would never, ever bring up politics/religion/whatever. Without fail, though, someone will say something to pick a fight. It's super. Especially when you are the only one expressing a different view, and everyone else bombards you.

Anyway, after endless conversations about how Thanksgiving is supposed to be a holiday of togetherness and why do they always have to pick a fight, I just stopped going. For the last several years, DH and I have just had a little thanksgiving just the two of us. So great. But my mother really laid on the guilt this year, so we are going to try again. I'm going into this prepared to walk out if things get dicey, though. So there's that.

I feel your pain. I have relatives who are super-hard-core-right-wing-"Christian," and they invariably say something intended to get a rise out of me. One year, they actually told me that my opinion didn't matter because I was one of those "East Coast elites." I actually started laughing, it was so ridiculous. Anyway, I've learned just to avoid them, as in, when they start talking, I leave the room.
If they say anything, I just say, "It's obvious you don't want a real discussion, you just want to attack me. And I'm not interested. I'm going to go talk to Grandma now."

[Anonymous]

maybe you are an east coast elite? The fact that you refer to a religion in a nasty manner already puts you in the probable category.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My cousin's wife believes that refugees should be turned away and gay marriage is evil! I feel like loosing my mind thinking about her ignorance. These topics have never come up before but because of Facebook I know we don't share similar beliefs. So what does DCUM do when these topics come
Up at dinner? Scream at the ignorance or keep chewing on your turkey??????

Just be Liberal and opened minded. Oh wait Liberals only want to hear arguments they agree with and readily close down opposing thoughts as wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents raised me like the poster above raises her kids: "We don't like people who do this. We don't eat this food. We don't like those kinds of people."

Took me years of therapy to learn how to have my own opinions. Set me up to marry a bossy man who didn't respect my opinions.

If your opinions are so valid and clear that every intelligence person would hold them, AND you think your kids are intelligent, then you shouldn't have to brainwash and indoctrinate them. Let them have their own opinions.

Talking about your kids as "we" this and "we" that can be incredibly psychically damaging for them. I know. I am the product of that upbringing.

Love this thoughtful post!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ironic and totally control freaky of you. We are celebrating THANKSGIVING, a very AMERICAN tradition. Let's celebrate all that is great about America, such as our right to free speech, no?

What stupid people forget is that freedom of speech is not Freedom from consequences. If you say something outrageously stupid, racist or offensive be prepared for someone to tell you are wrong. Or weigh theur options on whether they feel like arguing with an idiot and just change the subject.

[Anonymous]

I have a relative who posts a dozen anti vaccines memes on her Facebook page daily but has learned not to belabor the topic when she's not around antiscience kooks. We can find plenty of other things to talk about.