My 10 year old just called me a jerk--???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would laugh and say "have fun at your play date! You'll get your punishment for that one when you get back. So glad I'll have the afternoon to really think about it and come up with something extra awesome. No go brush your teeth."

I love a nice punishment. I'm super creative. I might make her write jerk 200 times. Or "I will not call mommy names" 200 times. Or write every bad word she's ever wanted to call me and then write each 50 times.

Then we'd have a nice long talk about expressing anger and appropriate ways to do it.

What a cruel, idiotic way to think.

I bet your daughter grows up hating you. You are despicable.

My oldest daughter is 21 and she and the other girls describe me as "strict but fair, and funny." In my house if you do something wrong, you DO get punished for it. I refuse to send bratty kids out into the world thinking they can do and say whatever they want.

[Anonymous]

I would say something like "That's Madame Jerk to you! Now go brush your teeth." My daughter would then grumble off and do as I asked.

Later, probably in the car on the way home from her playdate, I'd tell her it hurt my feelings when she called me a jerk and that it's not ok to call people names. If she felt I was rude or disrespectful in my comment to her, she could tell me, but she needs to tell me in a respectful way.

My daughter doesn't do well talking about things when she's upset, so I wait for a calm moment. I also recognize the whole tween/teen moody thing can happen with both boys and girls, and there are moments when you come down hard and moments when you let things slide. A one-off jerk falls into the slide category for me. My kids are generally people pleasers, though, so telling them they hurt my feelings is a big deal. They have some friends who'd need an entirely different approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What was your tone when you asked her to brush her teeth because of bad breath? If said in a compassionate loving manner, you didn't deserve her response. If otherwise, you were a jerk.

Interesting that someone who encourages compassion would in the same breath call the OP a jerk. Nice going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would advise you to figure out how to lovingly connect with your daughter rather than figuring out how to punish her.

Says mom of the toddler...

This response is so disrespectful.

But correct

Anyone with a child over the age of four or five knows that a tween calling mom a jerk over something as mundane as teeth brushing has zero to do with mom reconnecting on an emotional level with a soon to be middle schooler and everything to do with a kid close to puberty expressing herself, testing boundaries or quite frankly, hormones kicking in. It is the preteen equivalent to the preschooler saying "I don't love you anymore" when you tell them they have to eat their carrots.

The initial post quoted was not at all helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would advise you to figure out how to lovingly connect with your daughter rather than figuring out how to punish her.

Says mom of the toddler...

This response is so disrespectful.

But correct

Anyone with a child over the age of four or five knows that a tween calling mom a jerk over something as mundane as teeth brushing has zero to do with mom reconnecting on an emotional level with a soon to be middle schooler and everything to do with a kid close to puberty expressing herself, testing boundaries or quite frankly, hormones kicking in. It is the preteen equivalent to the preschooler saying "I don't love you anymore" when you tell them they have to eat their carrots.

The initial post quoted was not at all helpful.

Neither was your response, it added nothing to solving OP's question.
How old are your kids?

And anyone who has the child over the age of 16 knows if your first instinct is to see how severely you can punish your teenager for any misbehavior is missing a key piece of the puzzle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would advise you to figure out how to lovingly connect with your daughter rather than figuring out how to punish her.

I'm the person who said that. I have four adult children, none ever called me a jerk. i was being sincere in my response, I have wonderful relationships with my children and I thought my advice wa good, if you'd rather spend your time being angry and punishing then I feel badly for those who mocked me.

[Anonymous]

you should have that about how it feels to be insulted before you tell someone their breath stinks... dont dish out hate if you cant take it back

[Anonymous]

insulting someone is being a jerk, so you probably shouldnt have told someone their breath stinks

[Anonymous]

I tell my husband all the time whenever he needs to use mouthwash. He thanks me for telling him. The last thing he would want is to go to work and have his co-workers have to deal with his funky smelling breath. Her daughter should be thanking her, not calling her a jerk. This is just a sign of immaturity or perhaps she already has other issues with her mom. But I would not fault the mom with telling her daughter she needs to chew some gum or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tell my husband all the time whenever he needs to use mouthwash. He thanks me for telling him. The last thing he would want is to go to work and have his co-workers have to deal with his funky smelling breath. Her daughter should be thanking her, not calling her a jerk. This is just a sign of immaturity or perhaps she already has other issues with her mom. But I would not fault the mom with telling her daughter she needs to chew some gum or something.

Of course it's a sign of immaturity, her daughter is still a child. If OP is going to hold her child to the same maturity standards as you hold your husband she'll be in for a long road.

[Anonymous]

Thought I would check in. I am the OP. I did let DD go to the playdate. I realized my child's issue was not more important than screwing up this family's day. I know that it would based on knowing the family and their sweet little girl who has some social things going on. After I composed myself because I was livid. I asked dd to sit down and talk. I said actually let' have a truce here. I asked why she called me a jerk and I wanted full honesty and I would discuss my thoughts after. She said she did brush her teeth and was angry/embarrassed that I accused her of being smelly (this is how she perceived it). I then said that after you eat some types of cheese, it can make your breath stink and that would be mine included. I said she was old enough now that she had to think about that stuff and then I won't need to chime in. I also added that she would rather hear it from me than from kids at school. That being said I said even if she perceived me to be embarrassing her, I can't let this name calling go and that I had to punish her. We agreed that the playdate she could go to but when she got home, she would have to do something to make it up and I would let her think about it. She decided to write an apology note and I am good with that. Until the next drama DCUM....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thought I would check in. I am the OP. I did let DD go to the playdate. I realized my child's issue was not more important than screwing up this family's day. I know that it would based on knowing the family and their sweet little girl who has some social things going on. After I composed myself because I was livid. I asked dd to sit down and talk. I said actually let' have a truce here. I asked why she called me a jerk and I wanted full honesty and I would discuss my thoughts after. She said she did brush her teeth and was angry/embarrassed that I accused her of being smelly (this is how she perceived it). I then said that after you eat some types of cheese, it can make your breath stink and that would be mine included. I said she was old enough now that she had to think about that stuff and then I won't need to chime in. I also added that she would rather hear it from me than from kids at school. That being said I said even if she perceived me to be embarrassing her, I can't let this name calling go and that I had to punish her. We agreed that the playdate she could go to but when she got home, she would have to do something to make it up and I would let her think about it. She decided to write an apology note and I am good with that. Until the next drama DCUM....

I think you handled that really well, OP. Good for you. I wrote that she should write a letter of apology, and actually, while my kids have never called me a name, I will be using this strategy if they ever do.

[Anonymous]

I am glad you had a good talk, OP.

But in your initial post, you said you tried cancelling the playdate and got a "whatever" back.

Do not threaten to cancel anything unless you're actually going to do it. So my guess the "whatever" meant that she knew you weren't really going to take it away, even though you said or hinted you would.

I honestly don't think playdates should be taken away since it is impacting other kids who didn't do anything wrong. However, privileges (screen time, etc.) are always fair game to be taken away in our house.