Why should parents split their estates down the middle?

[Anonymous]

Id be fine with my parents giving their house (they don't have money) to my siblings, without including me. I moved thousands of miles away, whereas my siblings help them, visit, etc multiple times a week.

I'd only be hurt if I didn't get included on the division of family pictures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I personally don't get why more money isn't left to the grandchildren. My parents will be in their mid to late 60s when their parents die, AKA already retired. Whereas my cousins are struggling in their early 20s-early 30s with wanting to marry, but having little money; wanting to have a baby, but don't have paid maternity, nor enough money to take 8 weeks unpaid; wanting to move out of a studio apartment, but not money for a downpayment; and still paying off 50k + in student loans. I'm so glad that our parents will each get 500k+, but man it's already hard to see them taking their month long cruises when we don't have paid annual leave even. (DH and I are doing fine and don't need the money, but cousins could).

AKA you. I bet you personally don't get it. Do you get that it's not your money?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Id be fine with my parents giving their house (they don't have money) to my siblings, without including me. I moved thousands of miles away, whereas my siblings help them, visit, etc multiple times a week.

I'd only be hurt if I didn't get included on the division of family pictures.

That comes back to there being a clear, understandable reason for a fair distribution that isn't equal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I personally don't get why more money isn't left to the grandchildren. My parents will be in their mid to late 60s when their parents die, AKA already retired. Whereas my cousins are struggling in their early 20s-early 30s with wanting to marry, but having little money; wanting to have a baby, but don't have paid maternity, nor enough money to take 8 weeks unpaid; wanting to move out of a studio apartment, but not money for a downpayment; and still paying off 50k + in student loans. I'm so glad that our parents will each get 500k+, but man it's already hard to see them taking their month long cruises when we don't have paid annual leave even. (DH and I are doing fine and don't need the money, but cousins could).

This is so bizarre. What do their vacation choices have to do with your work arrangements?

The reason that parents leave money (for the most part) to their children and not their grandchildren is that the same money, handled carefully, will eventually make its way to the grandchildren, either during the parents' lives or afterwards. Every parent is invested in the well-being of his/her children.

My mother left money to me and I am putting part of it in investments for the eventual benefit of my children. I will give it to them when I think they need it (grad school, house down payment), and they will not know about it before then. Had my mother left it directly to them, they might not handle it carefully, or might count on it for things that they should work towards themselves.

Wrong. Most parents I know want to live it up and die penniless. My parents plan on taking year long cruises when they are in their 80s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I personally don't get why more money isn't left to the grandchildren. My parents will be in their mid to late 60s when their parents die, AKA already retired. Whereas my cousins are struggling in their early 20s-early 30s with wanting to marry, but having little money; wanting to have a baby, but don't have paid maternity, nor enough money to take 8 weeks unpaid; wanting to move out of a studio apartment, but not money for a downpayment; and still paying off 50k + in student loans. I'm so glad that our parents will each get 500k+, but man it's already hard to see them taking their month long cruises when we don't have paid annual leave even. (DH and I are doing fine and don't need the money, but cousins could).

Your parents in their mid-late 60s likely went through similar struggles when they were in their 20s and 30s. They probably sacrificed lots of things in order to feed, clothe and educate you, too. Why do you think they should forgo nice vacations or other niceties in order to spare you normal life stressors?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I personally don't get why more money isn't left to the grandchildren. My parents will be in their mid to late 60s when their parents die, AKA already retired. Whereas my cousins are struggling in their early 20s-early 30s with wanting to marry, but having little money; wanting to have a baby, but don't have paid maternity, nor enough money to take 8 weeks unpaid; wanting to move out of a studio apartment, but not money for a downpayment; and still paying off 50k + in student loans. I'm so glad that our parents will each get 500k+, but man it's already hard to see them taking their month long cruises when we don't have paid annual leave even. (DH and I are doing fine and don't need the money, but cousins could).

This is so bizarre. What do their vacation choices have to do with your work arrangements?

The reason that parents leave money (for the most part) to their children and not their grandchildren is that the same money, handled carefully, will eventually make its way to the grandchildren, either during the parents' lives or afterwards. Every parent is invested in the well-being of his/her children.

My mother left money to me and I am putting part of it in investments for the eventual benefit of my children. I will give it to them when I think they need it (grad school, house down payment), and they will not know about it before then. Had my mother left it directly to them, they might not handle it carefully, or might count on it for things that they should work towards themselves.

Wrong. Most parents I know want to live it up and die penniless. My parents plan on taking year long cruises when they are in their 80s

Planning and doing are two different things. The money will probably be all used up in assisted living

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I personally don't get why more money isn't left to the grandchildren. My parents will be in their mid to late 60s when their parents die, AKA already retired. Whereas my cousins are struggling in their early 20s-early 30s with wanting to marry, but having little money; wanting to have a baby, but don't have paid maternity, nor enough money to take 8 weeks unpaid; wanting to move out of a studio apartment, but not money for a downpayment; and still paying off 50k + in student loans. I'm so glad that our parents will each get 500k+, but man it's already hard to see them taking their month long cruises when we don't have paid annual leave even. (DH and I are doing fine and don't need the money, but cousins could).

This is so bizarre. What do their vacation choices have to do with your work arrangements?

The reason that parents leave money (for the most part) to their children and not their grandchildren is that the same money, handled carefully, will eventually make its way to the grandchildren, either during the parents' lives or afterwards. Every parent is invested in the well-being of his/her children.

My mother left money to me and I am putting part of it in investments for the eventual benefit of my children. I will give it to them when I think they need it (grad school, house down payment), and they will not know about it before then. Had my mother left it directly to them, they might not handle it carefully, or might count on it for things that they should work towards themselves.

Wrong. Most parents I know want to live it up and die penniless. My parents plan on taking year long cruises when they are in their 80s

So you discuss this with lots of people?

My mother wanted to leave money to her children and was distressed when she had to enter assisted living because she was afraid it would jeopardize that goal. In the end, there was money left for us. But even into her 80s, her primary concern was leaving something for her kids.

[Anonymous]

My parents have helped my brother financially his entire life. He has made some horrendously poor financial decisions and his choices have put him in some precarious situations. Outside of their estate, my parents have named me beneficiary of a life insurance policy that should be roughly equal to everything my brother has taken from them over the years. Aside from that, everything else will be divided up equally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My grandparents gave their house to one child, got it appraised and gave the same amount as the appraisal to each other child. They were lucky they had that much cash available, but I think it was very helpful they did this. They also transferred ownership well before they passed away so when they died, there was nothing to disagree about.

This is great on the equality front, but it is always better to inherit property then to receive it as a gift before death.

It cuts out a lot of entanglements though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I personally don't get why more money isn't left to the grandchildren. My parents will be in their mid to late 60s when their parents die, AKA already retired. Whereas my cousins are struggling in their early 20s-early 30s with wanting to marry, but having little money; wanting to have a baby, but don't have paid maternity, nor enough money to take 8 weeks unpaid; wanting to move out of a studio apartment, but not money for a downpayment; and still paying off 50k + in student loans. I'm so glad that our parents will each get 500k+, but man it's already hard to see them taking their month long cruises when we don't have paid annual leave even. (DH and I are doing fine and don't need the money, but cousins could).

Your parents in their mid-late 60s likely went through similar struggles when they were in their 20s and 30s. They probably sacrificed lots of things in order to feed, clothe and educate you, too. Why do you think they should forgo nice vacations or other niceties in order to spare you normal life stressors?

What I've noticed is that a lot of people who grew up in depression times or just after learned to save a lot of money. The boomers are inheriting that wealth, but have different ideas about saving themselves.

[Anonymous]

My mother constantly talked about how an unequal distribution left her cousins to fight, quite bitterly, after her aunt's death. Then she left everything to me, excluding my sibling from everything except a couple pieces of art.

I gave said sibling a good chunk of the Estate anyway, and I refuse to feel foolish for having done so. The relationship is worth more than the money. Also, it didn't feel in any way fair to have that be the final message my parents sent. I chose to do what I felt was right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my family we follow primogeniture. The oldest male child gets the lot, apart from some cash and keepsakes.

It works for our family.

Wow! Do you have a family heritage from a culture where this is the norm?

Now that would piss me off, but as you said - it works for your family, and if everyone comes up knowing that's the deal, then I imagine it is fine.

Yes, I do. I am the younger son and rather broke the mould by not joining the clergy. But I always knew I would have to make my own way in life, so have never harboured any bitterness about it. And this way I know that the family lands will stay together, as a great estate. I have seen so many other families lose the tradition, split up their lands, and end up subsumed into hoi polloi. Sad.

HA!!! I do love me some Austen!

Well done, PP. Well done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My mother constantly talked about how an unequal distribution left her cousins to fight, quite bitterly, after her aunt's death. Then she left everything to me, excluding my sibling from everything except a couple pieces of art.

I gave said sibling a good chunk of the Estate anyway, and I refuse to feel foolish for having done so. The relationship is worth more than the money. Also, it didn't feel in any way fair to have that be the final message my parents sent. I chose to do what I felt was right.

+1

Kudos to you for doing the right thing. Long term relationships and positive consequences matter more than anything. You seem quite wise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes I would. I even admit that it would create some bad blood between us. But this obsession that all must be equal, that I don't get. My mom and her sister are engaged in a particularly vicious fight bc my grandpa had a big plot of land that he split and 47/53 bc of the way the historical property line was drawn or something. It seems really trivial to me.

You answered your own question. Parents split things evenly so that they don't start bitter fighting between their children after they are dead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes I would. I even admit that it would create some bad blood between us. But this obsession that all must be equal, that I don't get. My mom and her sister are engaged in a particularly vicious fight bc my grandpa had a big plot of land that he split and 47/53 bc of the way the historical property line was drawn or something. It seems really trivial to me.

You answered your own question. Parents split things evenly so that they don't start bitter fighting between their children after they are dead.

+1. I think the two situations where I would do something different ...if one child treated me like crap while the other was taking care of me in old age ..then no equal split. Also, if one of my children married someone I didn't think was trustworthy and I had real money, I would have a trust of some sort.