My mother hates me and thinks I'm stupid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, do you lack common sense? Because that's frustrating as a parent to deal with in a child. other people are far more forgiving of this because they don't deal with it on a continual basis.

I am not being mean but you need to consider that you might possibly. I have a good friend. She is brilliant and very book smart but she lacks quite a bit of everyday common sense. She knows it and acknowledges it. It is frustrating at times to be her friend and I see her family get very frustrated as well.

I am socially inept. Instead of seeing it as a personality quirk, which I and my husband believe it is, she thinks I am mentally ill. But she also thinks I'm mentally ill because I won't go to the doctor when I have a runny nose and sore throat. If that's lacking common sense, then I guess I do lack it.

And PP, you're not a good person. You realize you just can't go around calling people idiots, right? Remember, socially inept, and even I get that.

But you are an idiot. One person in this world trashes you mercilessly and you expose your entire family to it. She spoils your kids and is oh so good to them? That means nothing in the light of how she views and treats you, their mother.

You want to see your dad, fine. But why do you have so much interaction with your mother? How about arranging a time to visit your father and then do it and get out. Why does your mom know so much about your life? Why does she have so much in with the people you supposedly hold dearest? She is a monster and you're giving her the key to the house, so to speak.

Enough with the "you are an idiot" comments, idiot PP. Stop projecting. You're obvious and tiresome.

[Anonymous]

Re-parent yourself.

Every time something stupid and hurtful comes out of her mouth, imagine her saying it to your DC. See how you respond then!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your mother has been this way for most, or all, of your life, and you are the only one that gets this kind of abuse, there is something related to you. Not saying it is your responsibility or doing, but I am curious what it might be.

As for your husband, her intimidating him isn't helping you. If he got a pair and stood up for you and laid down the law as to acceptable behavior towards you and in front of your children it just might have curtailed a lot of this. Because he hasn't done so, he is now a part of the problem.

Crazy family dynamics do not change on their own....action must be taken.

I'm the PP below you who has a mom similar to OP. My mom admitted throughout the course of her treatment with a therapist (she has a lot of issues) that she would often "come gunning for me". It was a mix of 1. Knowing I would get upset which gave her more ammo to work with and 2. She wanted me to be a certain way that she thought was perfect and right. I'm the only daughter. She couldn't accept that there was a different way I wanted to live my life and it was OK not to be exactly like her.

It's a lot more involved but it made a lot of sense once she was able to work out why she only attacked me and not my brother.

I thought what your therapist told you about not over sharing, as well as setting the boundaries, was a key piece of advice. Sometimes it takes a while to break that cycle of giving them the 'opening' but each time we do it we need to have a "I could have had a V8" moment until we break the pattern. Because when you can't change the other person, and keeping the relationship on some level is important, that is what it takes.

I know of a woman that had that kind of critical relationship with her mother...she never could figure out why...then she found out that her father wasn't her biological parent but rather a man her mother had an affair with. To the best of her knowledge her father never knew and her mother had never forgotten.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your mother has been this way for most, or all, of your life, and you are the only one that gets this kind of abuse, there is something related to you. Not saying it is your responsibility or doing, but I am curious what it might be.

As for your husband, her intimidating him isn't helping you. If he got a pair and stood up for you and laid down the law as to acceptable behavior towards you and in front of your children it just might have curtailed a lot of this. Because he hasn't done so, he is now a part of the problem.

Crazy family dynamics do not change on their own....action must be taken.

I'm the PP below you who has a mom similar to OP. My mom admitted throughout the course of her treatment with a therapist (she has a lot of issues) that she would often "come gunning for me". It was a mix of 1. Knowing I would get upset which gave her more ammo to work with and 2. She wanted me to be a certain way that she thought was perfect and right. I'm the only daughter. She couldn't accept that there was a different way I wanted to live my life and it was OK not to be exactly like her.

It's a lot more involved but it made a lot of sense once she was able to work out why she only attacked me and not my brother.

I thought what your therapist told you about not over sharing, as well as setting the boundaries, was a key piece of advice. Sometimes it takes a while to break that cycle of giving them the 'opening' but each time we do it we need to have a "I could have had a V8" moment until we break the pattern. Because when you can't change the other person, and keeping the relationship on some level is important, that is what it takes.

I know of a woman that had that kind of critical relationship with her mother...she never could figure out why...then she found out that her father wasn't her biological parent but rather a man her mother had an affair with. To the best of her knowledge her father never knew and her mother had never forgotten.

I think in my case, it's like another PP said - I don't live my life the way she thinks I should. Not even in a bad way, just a different way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your mother has been this way for most, or all, of your life, and you are the only one that gets this kind of abuse, there is something related to you. Not saying it is your responsibility or doing, but I am curious what it might be.

As for your husband, her intimidating him isn't helping you. If he got a pair and stood up for you and laid down the law as to acceptable behavior towards you and in front of your children it just might have curtailed a lot of this. Because he hasn't done so, he is now a part of the problem.

Crazy family dynamics do not change on their own....action must be taken.

I'm the PP below you who has a mom similar to OP. My mom admitted throughout the course of her treatment with a therapist (she has a lot of issues) that she would often "come gunning for me". It was a mix of 1. Knowing I would get upset which gave her more ammo to work with and 2. She wanted me to be a certain way that she thought was perfect and right. I'm the only daughter. She couldn't accept that there was a different way I wanted to live my life and it was OK not to be exactly like her.

It's a lot more involved but it made a lot of sense once she was able to work out why she only attacked me and not my brother.

I thought what your therapist told you about not over sharing, as well as setting the boundaries, was a key piece of advice. Sometimes it takes a while to break that cycle of giving them the 'opening' but each time we do it we need to have a "I could have had a V8" moment until we break the pattern. Because when you can't change the other person, and keeping the relationship on some level is important, that is what it takes.

I know of a woman that had that kind of critical relationship with her mother...she never could figure out why...then she found out that her father wasn't her biological parent but rather a man her mother had an affair with. To the best of her knowledge her father never knew and her mother had never forgotten.

I think in my case, it's like another PP said - I don't live my life the way she thinks I should. Not even in a bad way, just a different way.

pp here. yes, that's it. My mom felt like every thing I did differently then her was a slap in her face that how she did it was wrong and I thought poorly of her. Yes, she's since been diagnosed with a mental health issue and s therapy have transformed her into a whole new person. She was like OPs mom too. Fabulous grandmother but treated me like crap. Im so glad I gave her the ultimatum. It was the wake up call she needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think in my case, it's like another PP said - I don't live my life the way she thinks I should. Not even in a bad way, just a different way.

pp here. yes, that's it. My mom felt like every thing I did differently then her was a slap in her face that how she did it was wrong and I thought poorly of her. Yes, she's since been diagnosed with a mental health issue and s therapy have transformed her into a whole new person. She was like OPs mom too. Fabulous grandmother but treated me like crap. Im so glad I gave her the ultimatum. It was the wake up call she needed.

It was OP who wrote that. I wonder if it's that easy?

It's not like I'm deliberately doing things differently. I'm just a different person.