My jealous MIL post- a followup

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I don't think I am going to call (good advice) if she calls me i will say oh I though I made it clear I already decided to do it at the club, and then maybe (if I am feeling nice haha) say but if you would like to help me out with x,y,z....then you are most welcome. Something along that line, though I know I will be met with another comment to shoot it down.

Personally I don't think it is wise to say you can help with X,Y or Z. I'd say you've decided on a venue and we hope you can make it to the party. I'd leave it at that. Don't give her the opportunity to make more waves.

+1000%

Do not allow her to help. Period. Because once you give her a role she will try to insert herself into every decision. But, I think keeping the party a surprise will probably be a mistake because at some point she will be so mad about not being the organizer that she will ruin the surprise "by accident." So you should control your own messaging. You have college aged kids. It's time to be very clear about things with your very difficult MIL and if she continues to behave in these ways, tell her clearly that you won't put up with it any longer.

Agree. Send her an invite - though I suspect from what you have said that she may wind up telling DH about the party. Sounds like she can be nasty and subversive like that.

Yes, all of the above. Tell her as free details as possible, and sane goes to anyone loyal to her. Make sure your kids do the same. Don't involve her I'm the planning and be prepared for MIL to "accidentally" spoil the surprise and finds a way to blame it on you. I know this sounds dramatic, but be prepared for a battle. Hopefully you won't have one, but be prepared.

[Anonymous]

Why is your daughter showing the dress to her? You guys should know better. Seems you over involve MIL (many examples In last thread) and then you complain when she has a comment you don't like.

[Anonymous]

OP, why hasn't your husband fixed her by now?
My MIL used to be like this and worse but when dh told her to cut it out and then when she didn't, he stopped talking to her. Your husband is letting this happen.

[Anonymous]

hello its OP my H has (politely) spoken to her on a few occasions, she will try the best she can for a week or so then goes right back to it. I think we need to play hardball now and make her understand that we cannot tolerate it anymore. But I probably will bite my lip until the party as i don't want to infuriate her and have her spoil this special event we are excited to have for my H.

Why did my D try on the dress? Well, actually she didn't try it on for "her" but was in her room very excited about it, and came out to ask me what i thought of it with the shoes she had planned to wear it with and my MIL was there. It was hardly planned out, just so happens she was there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why hasn't your husband fixed her by now?
My MIL used to be like this and worse but when dh told her to cut it out and then when she didn't, he stopped talking to her. Your husband is letting this happen.

Different poster here. My DH lets it happen, because he was/is an abuse victim. This may be one reason.

Some families forget that their children are actually grown adults, and are unable to cope with that idea, even if that grown adult is supplying jobs for the rest of the family, for example. In my case, I steer clear of MIL's wrath. MIL's way is the only way, no matter how hair brained her ideas are - and they are! With some people, you just can't win, and life truly is too short to worry about appeasing someone like that. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mark my words, she will find a way to ruin the surprise. These kinds of people cannot stand not being in control.

+1. I'm wondering if she'll try to throw her one surprise party? Op, I second the suggestion about DWIL on Babycenter. Those women deal with serious crazy, but reading some of those outlandish threads has made me more clear about my boundaries and what is acceptable behavior.

[Anonymous]

If your college DD was really devastated from a remark by grandma, she needs to be made of sterner stuff. Stop taking every remark as a slight against YOU.

Get a hobby. You're obsessed with your MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you- to answer a few questions...no its her others sons wife. When I said "we" I really meant me ad my kids

When I first told her I was going to do this, she was lukewarm and said I dont know if X would want such a fuss, which is just the opposite as he LOVES people and has tons of friends so its the perfect way to ring in this birthday. But I told her I though he would like it and I was going to go ahead in the planning.

When my D left the room to change out of her dress I said "wow that was harsh, she loves that dress' to which she replied I believe in honesty and I really think she could do better. Yep thats how blunt she is with everything.

I don't think I am going to call (good advice) if she calls me i will say oh I though I made it clear I already decided to do it at the club, and then maybe (if I am feeling nice haha) say but if you would like to help me out with x,y,z....then you are most welcome. Something along that line, though I know I will be met with another comment to shoot it down.

Lastly her relationship with my H? Well he was her golden child. The one who did everything right (almost). Great student, athlete, went to ivy league school, great profession, well liked, etc....so shes always really been in awe of him somewhat. To her credit, in his successes he is a lot like her, very driven and overall achieved what they set to do. BUT he is a really nice guy and I think that makes him even more alluring...it that makes sense. So its complicated I think she does like me but resents me at the same time......

I married a golden child too. My MIL hates me enough that she's taking it out on him. We take the approach of never bring alone with her. She's not nasty when she wants to impress whoever else is around.

+1

YES! YES! YES! This is so true! Other PP here. Thankfully, we are not alone!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am married to an only son of a single mother, so I get the golden son obsession. I think your MIL is competitive, but not jealous. She wants to show her son that she loves him more than anyone else (including his DW), she knows him better than anyone else, and he needs her more than anyone else. Hence all the weird behaviors.

My MIL always hosts DH's birthdays (she's the one who gave birth to him, so I get it), and I don't get a say in her planning. The one time I dared to bring a cake, she refused to eat it. What I do, is sometimes organize a smaller birthday celebration just with us and kids, and maybe a couple of DH's friends. Your MIL wants to feel important and recognized as DH's mom, she probably is upset she did not think of a celebration first, and now tries to take over. I'd say let her participate in planning to make her feel important, but don't let her dominate the planning.

I guess, she's also old (if your DH is 50), so it might be her age talking and not her. Don't take it personally.

Its not your job to make her feel important! Send her an invite, she can come if she wants. I am sure she will ruin the surprise. She is like a lot of MILs, they have fucked up relationships with their sons!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am married to an only son of a single mother, so I get the golden son obsession. I think your MIL is competitive, but not jealous. She wants to show her son that she loves him more than anyone else (including his DW), she knows him better than anyone else, and he needs her more than anyone else. Hence all the weird behaviors.

My MIL always hosts DH's birthdays (she's the one who gave birth to him, so I get it), and I don't get a say in her planning. The one time I dared to bring a cake, she refused to eat it. What I do, is sometimes organize a smaller birthday celebration just with us and kids, and maybe a couple of DH's friends. Your MIL wants to feel important and recognized as DH's mom, she probably is upset she did not think of a celebration first, and now tries to take over. I'd say let her participate in planning to make her feel important, but don't let her dominate the planning.

I guess, she's also old (if your DH is 50), so it might be her age talking and not her. Don't take it personally.

Its not your job to make her feel important! Send her an invite, she can come if she wants. I am sure she will ruin the surprise. She is like a lot of MILs, they have fucked up relationships with their sons!

ITA. As if MIL was not interested in their son until we came along. Then, when we refused to put up with their crap, they were surprised. Amusing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am married to an only son of a single mother, so I get the golden son obsession. I think your MIL is competitive, but not jealous. She wants to show her son that she loves him more than anyone else (including his DW), she knows him better than anyone else, and he needs her more than anyone else. Hence all the weird behaviors.

My MIL always hosts DH's birthdays (she's the one who gave birth to him, so I get it), and I don't get a say in her planning. The one time I dared to bring a cake, she refused to eat it. What I do, is sometimes organize a smaller birthday celebration just with us and kids, and maybe a couple of DH's friends. Your MIL wants to feel important and recognized as DH's mom, she probably is upset she did not think of a celebration first, and now tries to take over. I'd say let her participate in planning to make her feel important, but don't let her dominate the planning.

I guess, she's also old (if your DH is 50), so it might be her age talking and not her. Don't take it personally.

Its not your job to make her feel important! Send her an invite, she can come if she wants. I am sure she will ruin the surprise. She is like a lot of MILs, they have fucked up relationships with their sons!

ITA. As if MIL was not interested in their son until we came along. Then, when we refused to put up with their crap, they were surprised. Amusing!

[Anonymous]

This article about setting boundaries reminded me of your thread, OP.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/karyl-mcbride-phd-lmft/how-to-set-boundaries-with-a-narcissist_b_6833740.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063