Do you pretend to be happy to see MIL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had always been polite and respectful to my MIL even though she never returned the same to me. I told myself it didn't matter because above all else, she was my husband's mother, grandmother to my kids. She treated my kids like they were invisible. I can count on one hand the number of times she came to my house. Babysit ? Never.

Right before she died she told me I was a very good wife and mother. Funny because all the years I knew her she disliked me because I didn't work therefore it made me a bad mother bad wife. She worked, left her kids with the oldest kids because her life was not about raising kids. It was about making money. Period.

I looked her straight in the eyes and said maybe if I had had help like you did all those years, I might have been a better wife and mother, able to contribute money to the household instead of just being a nobody staying at home. I said you spent all those years judging me when we could have been friends. She told me she was sorry.

4 days later, she died.

I told my husband to put a stake through her heart and throw some garlic in the casket. I did not want her coming back.

So....the woman..on her death bed tries to be kind to you and you let her have it? Wow! That's some cold sh!t pp. At least you got the last word.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These days, yes. I have always loved my MIL but lately she is grating on my last nerve. She and FIL are both retired and spending more and more time traveling. Then they expect everyone to drop their lives to take care of their dog, their house, etc while they are away. She expects me to know their extensive vacation schedule forward and backwards. but she won't just email the fucking dates so I can put them on the calendar. She tells me in passing and then expects me to remember every detail of HER vacation. I'm like lady, look, I work a demanding, stressful job, I have my own family whose schedule I have to manage, and I frankly don't give a damn where you are jetting off to next. Go, have fun, great for you, but find someone else to babysit your geriatric, annoying dog (or, you know, pay to board him), find someone else to coordinate your renovation contractors while you are sitting on the beach in FL. I don't have time between my 10 hour work days, work travel, kid activities and taking care of my own damned house. Oh, and did I mention that I have family too? I have a mom of my own who also needs my help. Grrr. She is going to turn into one of those bitchy old nags who can't see past the end of her own nose, I can tell. All of us were so relieved to see her go to FL for six weeks!

Easily solved. "Oh, MIL. You will have to remember to tell your son all those details so he can manage x,y,z for you while you are gone."

Done.

[Anonymous]

I am so lucky. I have dodged my MIL and I have not seen her in over three years. My spouse will drive to visit her and take the kids with him. I do not like her attitude and I am too old to put up with her bullshit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so lucky. I have dodged my MIL and I have not seen her in over three years. My spouse will drive to visit her and take the kids with him. I do not like her attitude and I am too old to put up with her bullshit.

+1

Some MILs feel the somehow are owed something. Least of all by me - I just got here! Did she expect me to kiss her arse, for some reason? Her dibs on DH are gone, baby, gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you pretend to be happy to see MIL?

MIL bugs me in a lot of ways. I still try to pretend to be happy to see her when she visits. (She lives out of town.) I try to greet her with a smile and a hug, but I get stiffness and a bland "hi" back. I guess I should just stop trying. I'm not actually that happy to see her.

Fake hugs are grating on some people. It's one thing to be polite, but feigned affection is different. Be polite and cheerful as you would with any houseguest or visitor to your house. Skip the hug. Imagine that it was your husband's boss coming for you dinner, what would you say? Say the same thing like "It's nice to see you." "How was your trip?" "Hello. It's cold out. Come on in and get warm." "I'm so glad you made it safely." etc, etc. You can be warm, pleasant and polite without the feigned affection. I've seen in-laws where this approach (just polite and warm, but without forced, artificial affection, hugs or kisses) worked much more successfully.

pp. How do I skip the hug? Would love to move to a less huggy place. Big hugs from ILs when we arrive, bug hugs "just because", big hugs when we say goodnight, big hugs when we leave. Ugh. I'm not a hugger.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I do pretend to be happy to see her, and I have to see her many times a week. I am unfailingly pleasant to her, no matter what she does and says, no matter what I think of her. Nothing good would come of me doing otherwise.

It's called being a grown-up.

[Anonymous]

That's really sad I love my MIL and love seeing her and wish she lived closer and could visit more. Just keep trying to be nice OP.

[Anonymous]

Just be yourself. As long as that's not mean or negative, it's up to mil to grow up and deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just be yourself. As long as that's not mean or negative, it's up to mil to grow up and deal with it.

Just be nice and polite. You don't have to hug and kiss, etc... if you or MIL don't feel it. That's called being a grown up. MIL will probably be relieved you are not faking it so much anymore.

[Anonymous]

I think this is really sad as well. I loved my MIL. She died quite some time ago, but when she was alive, we had a great relationship. She was like a second mom to me. I saw the good in her - after all, she did raise my DH, and for that I am thankful.
OP - just continue to be courteous, kind, and respectful. Who knows... maybe someday your relationship will grow into something positive.

[Anonymous]

Tense smiles and pleasantries only.

[Anonymous]

No. I generally am happy to see her. She's not crazy and she respects my parenting decisions and just wants to spend time with us. I don't have to fake it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you pretend to be happy to see MIL?

MIL bugs me in a lot of ways. I still try to pretend to be happy to see her when she visits. (She lives out of town.) I try to greet her with a smile and a hug, but I get stiffness and a bland "hi" back. I guess I should just stop trying. I'm not actually that happy to see her.

Pretty much. I do really like her. But, she bugs the ever love #$%@ out of me. Her helpful hints about how she did particular child-rearing in the 70's. Her bitching and negativity about her ex-husband (she cheated and has been married longer to her current husband.) It's a lot to take. But, she loves DC and is GENERALLY well-meaning. So, I go along with her visits as best I can. And, with the help of some wine.