Has your marriage survived infedelity?

[Anonymous]

This question is a bit like asking "has anyone won the lottery? I don't want to hear from those who bought a ticket and lost, just those who won. What was it like?"

The honest answer is that VERY VERY few relationships survive infidelity.

Dream on about the lottery. Who knows you may get lucky. But don't kid yourself that this is a remotely likely outcome, especially if the perpetrator isn't instantly remorseful and willing to engage in a lot of self-introspective therapy with a professional to figure out why he would solve a problem this way.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to find a marriage counselor to help you get through this so you don't find yourself in this situation again. So is it going to be the case that anytime things get tough in your relationship he is going to go looking for outside affection? Most marriages go through a rough spot, affairs are not the answer. Of the couples that I know where cheating has occurred and the person stayed, the cheater ended up cheating again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This question is a bit like asking "has anyone won the lottery? I don't want to hear from those who bought a ticket and lost, just those who won. What was it like?"

The honest answer is that VERY VERY few relationships survive infidelity.

Dream on about the lottery. Who knows you may get lucky. But don't kid yourself that this is a remotely likely outcome, especially if the perpetrator isn't instantly remorseful and willing to engage in a lot of self-introspective therapy with a professional to figure out why he would solve a problem this way.

You have no idea what you are talking about. Actually, most marriages do survive infidelity. http://www.aamft.org/iMIS15/AAMFT/Content/consumer_updates/infidelity.aspx

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he say he wants to give it his best effort? Or did he say he doesn't even want to try and refuse to talk about it?

He wants to give it his best effort but thus far, isn't wanting to talk about it. He is totally willing to discuss what was making him unhappy in me though.

No ma'am. Everything gets put on the table. He doesn't get to dictate things like that. He screwed up. If he really wants to make this work, then everything is on the table.

Are you seeing a marriage counselor? If he refuses, then the marriage does not move forward. You cannot talk this out on your own.

Total agreement. I had an affair, got found out, and as part of the process was completely open about everything; answered anything she asked honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here-things weren't good when this happened. I'm willing to accept my role in what led to the cheating. I can make that stuff better and already am working towards it . We have had awesome sex since I found out. My issue is going to be the panic I know I am going to feel if things aren't good. I don't deserve to freak out anytime our marriage hits a low point. I want my cheating spouse to give me signals if and when his cheating ass feels weak or if a girl comes on to him. How do I get him to not go down that road again? It has only been two weeks since I found out so we have a long way to go. He's mostly worried that I can't get over it. If I show him I can, he wants to give this marriage his best effort- or so he says. Is that enough? What else can we do? We are working on what is broken but he doesn't want to discuss his affairs. I feel like I will need that. Maybe with time, he will come around. How do i know that all my efforts won't be in vain?

Wait, he cheated, and now he's getting to set the terms of what *you* have to do before *he's* willing to consider working on the marriage? And you're already having sex with him again?

Wow, this guy has it made.

[Anonymous]

I'm out almost five years. While the pain goes away around year 3, the trust never really comes back. The betrayal is always in the back of my mind and shapes how I view my spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here-things weren't good when this happened. I'm willing to accept my role in what led to the cheating. I can make that stuff better and already am working towards it . We have had awesome sex since I found out. My issue is going to be the panic I know I am going to feel if things aren't good. I don't deserve to freak out anytime our marriage hits a low point. I want my cheating spouse to give me signals if and when his cheating ass feels weak or if a girl comes on to him. How do I get him to not go down that road again? It has only been two weeks since I found out so we have a long way to go. He's mostly worried that I can't get over it. If I show him I can, he wants to give this marriage his best effort- or so he says. Is that enough? What else can we do? We are working on what is broken but he doesn't want to discuss his affairs. I feel like I will need that. Maybe with time, he will come around. How do i know that all my efforts won't be in vain?

Wait, he cheated, and now he's getting to set the terms of what *you* have to do before *he's* willing to consider working on the marriage? And you're already having sex with him again?

Wow, this guy has it made.

+1. God damn OP. Self respect. You need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here-things weren't good when this happened. I'm willing to accept my role in what led to the cheating. I can make that stuff better and already am working towards it . We have had awesome sex since I found out. My issue is going to be the panic I know I am going to feel if things aren't good. I don't deserve to freak out anytime our marriage hits a low point. I want my cheating spouse to give me signals if and when his cheating ass feels weak or if a girl comes on to him. How do I get him to not go down that road again? It has only been two weeks since I found out so we have a long way to go. He's mostly worried that I can't get over it. If I show him I can, he wants to give this marriage his best effort- or so he says. Is that enough? What else can we do? We are working on what is broken but he doesn't want to discuss his affairs. I feel like I will need that. Maybe with time, he will come around. How do i know that all my efforts won't be in vain?

So what was your role in what lead to the cheating? Please dont tell us it was sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here-things weren't good when this happened. I'm willing to accept my role in what led to the cheating. I can make that stuff better and already am working towards it . We have had awesome sex since I found out. My issue is going to be the panic I know I am going to feel if things aren't good. I don't deserve to freak out anytime our marriage hits a low point. I want my cheating spouse to give me signals if and when his cheating ass feels weak or if a girl comes on to him. How do I get him to not go down that road again? It has only been two weeks since I found out so we have a long way to go. He's mostly worried that I can't get over it. If I show him I can, he wants to give this marriage his best effort- or so he says. Is that enough? What else can we do? We are working on what is broken but he doesn't want to discuss his affairs. I feel like I will need that. Maybe with time, he will come around. How do i know that all my efforts won't be in vain?

So what was your role in what lead to the cheating? Please dont tell us it was sex.

It must be since she was back to having sex with him in under 2 weeks. That is a desperate woman using the only currency she has with her husband .

[Anonymous]

OP, gently but honestly. My marriage survived an EA. If my DH had minimized the way yours is, our marriage would be kaput.

It is NOT your fault he cheated. It is a choice he made, and he is rationalizing his BAD choice by blaming you. That is pretty common among cheaters. However, most women don't fall for that line of bullshit. And it is bullshit. No one, least of all you, forced him to cheat.

He is remorseless. Your marriage is thus doomed. Get over to www.survivinginfidelity.com asap, and read the Healing Library. You cannot nice him out of an affair. Find your strength. Find your self-respect. PLEASE.

And good luck, my dear.

[Anonymous]

"I'm willing to accept my role in what led to the cheating. I can make that stuff better and already am working towards it . We have had awesome sex since I found out. "

Yikes! Talk about rewarding bad behavior!

Agree that this guy has it made.

OP, you seem to be very young. How old are you?

[Anonymous]

OP, honey, this is bad. You need to demonstrate that you can get over it BEFORE he will commit to putting in the effort? That is entirely 180 degrees backwards. Please, please don't let him do this to you any more. He is not just a cheater; this is emotional abuse.

Please please get therapy for yourself. Life can be much better than this. You don't deserve to be treated like this. I get that you are desperate to keep him, but you shoukd not settle for someone abusing you like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm out almost five years. While the pain goes away around year 3, the trust never really comes back. The betrayal is always in the back of my mind and shapes how I view my spouse.

This is what I'm worried about the most. The betrayal and lies are something I'm not sure I can ever fully get over. It definitely changed how I see him after 17-years. I doubt I will ever have 100% trust again which is heartbreaking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're having sex with him 2 weeks after finding out. I could not imagine getting in a sexual mood after such a devistating event.

It's actually very common. Called hysterical bonding.