Picking up picking up picking up after DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait! What's a secret chicken stock maker space heater user!? I ask because DH almost lit up the laundry room last week after leaving a space heater on in there to...wait for it...keep his latest vat of (in progress) home-brewed beer warm. It's also wrapped in his winter coat right now, dead serious.

Can't find the thread right now, but a poster was complaining about how her DH deboned some chicken and started making some stock but then went off to do something else leaving the stock pot going and a space heater on.

DH is like the OP's and others' and for a long time it drove me nuts. I reached the point where there was just this simmering kettle of rage that was eating away at my enjoyment of life and marriage. After spending some time venting to a friend, I realized that I could keep getting annoyed about it or I could do something.

DH had offered to get a housekeeper, but I just couldn't see spending the money on that and the prospect of someone else cleaning my house just bothers me. So that wasn't the answer.

So, first I watched and tried to figure out ways to get him to do the things I wanted. The dry cleaning tags are a good example. They are pernicious, but I realized that DH didn't have a trash can where he gets dressed. So he ripped them off when he got dressed, put them down and forgot about them (until they reached critical mass and they got his attention). So, I put a trashcan next to his closet. Problem mostly solved.

But I still felt like I was constantly picking up after him.

I stopped picking up a lot of the stuff, and I realized that some of it was going away, just not on my timescale. DH left something and moved on, but frequently noticed it the next time he came through. Part of the problem was that I was constantly on the lookout for the things DH would leave behind, and as soon as it was clear that he had left something, I would pounce on it. When I relaxed a little, I found that some (but still definitely not all) of the things he left behind got cleaned up, just on a different schedule than I would have.

When I was watching him, though, I also realized that he was cleaning up after me. Things that I nagged him about, I realized that I did, too - although not nearly as often. But he was cleaning up and putting those things away in the same way he did the things that he left behind. I also realized that when he was taking the initiative to clean something up I told him that I was planning to get to it later and that he didn't need to do it. So, I was sending very conflicting messages to him - I was nagging him for things I did, too, and I was stopping him when he was trying to help.

So I took several steps - I tried to be more consistent about not doing the things I was nagging him about, I tried to relax and recognize that some things were going to happen on a different schedule, I worked noticing when he did things on the time frame I wanted them done and on complimenting him for them, and I stopped stopping him when he was trying to help - except, of course, when his "help" was going to actually make more work for me, which still happens on occasion. I also worked on reminding myself about the things he did for me/us, because DH does do a lot of the things around the house that I do like to, and sometimes I have to remind myself about that. A lot of my anger/annoyance went away after that.

Phase 3 involved positive reinforcement - for both of us. Our sex life wasn't what I wanted it to be and was nowhere close to what DH wanted it to be. So, when DH did things to keep the house cleaner on a schedule that kept me from feeling like all of the burden was on me, I used those happy feelings to get a little frisky with DH. This wasn't just me giving him sex to reward him, it was me rewarding him but also changing my own behavior in ways that I wanted to change it - so win-win.

This probably has to be the best at advice on this topic I have read on DCUM. Dan Savage refers to this as the "Price of Admission. The PP has learned to let go, and it has made for a happier marriage. If my ex had lea Ned this we would still be married.

[Anonymous]

Roomba!!! My DH suddenly started picking up things (off the floor at least) when we got a roomba. Granted, he'd wanted one for years, but I couldn't imagine spending that kind of money on it. When I finally relented, I was really surprised at what a difference it made (not only in the cleanliness of my floors, but his habits too).

[Anonymous]

This is a warning to all the SAHM on this thread: every guy I know who is like this had a mom who stayed home and cleaned up for them. It may subconsciously have ingrained that that is women's work or it could just be they got used to being taken care of.

Takeaway, put those rugrats to work no matter how they complain, and make sure DH makes visible effort to take care of his and household. He's a role model for your sons and for what your daughters will expect from a husband.

Break this cycle.

[Anonymous]

I feel really sorry for you women. Going online to complain about your husbands. Are you all afraid to confront him and tell him what you want? It seems like some of you spend a lot of time complaining on DCUM when a quick discussion would work.

Time to put on your big girl panties ladies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel really sorry for you women. Going online to complain about your husbands. Are you all afraid to confront him and tell him what you want? It seems like some of you spend a lot of time complaining on DCUM when a quick discussion would work.

Time to put on your big girl panties ladies.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Hamper lid poster here. I've had lots of "quick discussions" with my husband about picking up after himself, he always gets better for a couple of days, and then completely reverts. At a certain point, you either spend all day completely enraged, you learn to let it do and laugh at him for being a bit ridiculous, or you get a divorce. I choose #2.

[Anonymous]

Stop picking up after him. My DH leaves his cereal bowl out. He thought he was the one clearing it. I stopped and it took a while but he finally realized he's supposed to do it. Usually it takes til the afternoon for him to clear it. Both kids now leave socks all over like he does. On April Fool's day I'm planning on taking a bunch of my socks I no longer wear, and scattering them around the house, mostly in DH's areas, like his chair or pillow. We'll see if he notices. He also leaves out the cereal boxes and doesn't recycle them. I don't even eat cereal. The kids don't pick up after themselves either. The hard part is when it would be easier for me to pick up after him so I can sweep or do whatever I need to do without his clutter lying around, when I'm trying to avoid picking up after him. Then he complains I won't do the smallest thing for him. He doesn't get that it's not my responsibility to do what should be an automatic routine to him. He also doesn't make his side of the bed. That's the one thing I do for him because if I don't do it, it screws up my side of the bed. For years I let his side be unmade and he still never made the bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a warning to all the SAHM on this thread: every guy I know who is like this had a mom who stayed home and cleaned up for them. It may subconsciously have ingrained that that is women's work or it could just be they got used to being taken care of.

In my DH's case, he had a mom who had a maid. I blame his mom.

[Anonymous]

It looks like he is most likely already set in his ways + like you stated, there really is not much you can do to change him at this point.

The best you can do is what you mentioned. Use this as a learning tool for both yourself and your children to always clean up after yourselves.

A nice benefit to this would be if your hubby begins taking notice and starts to emulate your behavior on it, but I wouldn't hold my breath.

Do you believe in miracles....??!