Is your life turning out like you planned?

[Anonymous]

Yes, I love my life.

[Anonymous]

No it did not, but in a good way. My childhood was fairly screwy, very unhappy parents who lacked life skills. As a result my plans were based on avoiding their fate. I planned to be an artist and intellectual, move to NYC or similar destination, and be single, childless and cool forever, plus lots of travel, and write interesting books.

However my personality is completely different from those plans, which came as a huge surprise to me as I actually began to drive toward those goals and experienced - unhappiness and discomfort with it.

Instead of all that, I am - and I love and relish being - a wife and mom who works in an office. I love being productive, private, noisy and busy, entering into my kids interests with them, the structure and pick up/put down nature of my job, doing charitable activities and supporting community efforts, trying new recipes, getting together with coworkers or other parents - just regular stuff. Just being a regular jane turned out to be so great, I have to laugh at my younger self.

But those earlier dreams were born out of the idea that a regular life wasn't possible for me, and I am happy to be wrong and relish the day to day.

[Anonymous]

Pretty much. We are just 10 years late for everything.

[Anonymous]

Not at all. Spouse makes a lot of money so I was the underachieving mom - just until the kids got older...but now they are older but I no longer have the skills and drive to make it in my chosen profession. Yes we have money but he's the wrong guy for me, and I don't even have the energy to get going on a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Heck no!

I wanted the Carrie Bradshaw lifestyle--except I wanted to design clothes or have a funky creative career in NYC.

Instead I got married young and had 2 lovely kids. I have a great marriage of 21 years and 2 great kids. I do like my home and neighborhood.

Now, in my middle age years (42) I want a real career. Except I do not know what to do. I cannot afford more schooling, my husband has had recent bouts of unemployment (layoffs), our credit is shot, our finances are in the toilet. This instability started in 2003 after my father died (mom died in 2009).

I still feel too young to be without parental love, wisdom and guidance. I often miss being able to call my mother for advice. I often feel lost. My job is just that. I want a career and since my kids are older I really can focus more on work. I want to make changes but I find that I consistently make BAD CHOICES. Everytime I chose to do something it ends up being a disaster. I now have analysis paralysis.

[Anonymous]

No, but I don't know that I ever had a vision of what life would be. I thought I was at serious risk of becoming an addict (major family history) but by my mid-30's decided that probably wouldn't happen. I didn't really have a clue about who I was until around that time either but I watched a best friend die early and it changed the way I view life.

To my shock I'm married with two kids and a great job now, nice house, etc... But I also thought I'd be living a life of greater happiness and ease, whereas now I feel constantly stressed, tired and anxious.

I thought I'd see more of the world than I am/have, I thought I'd have more time with friends and family than I can fit in right now, I thought I'd learn to dance/sail a boat/get another dog/etc...

I guess a point of life is about accepting what comes, not predetermining what will happen.

I dunno. Grass is always greener, woulda/coulda/shouldas always factor in and all that.

[Anonymous]

I came from a tough background. I planned and worked extremely hard to make a better life. Is it perfect. ? No. Kids that have learning disabilities and some other issues but nothing life threatening, I have my health, I am successfully treated for depression, I had a great career now home with the kids. Finances are very comfortable. I have some lovely friends. It's a lot to be grateful for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My life didn't turn out like I planned, but my plans keep refining. I had one vision of my future in my 20s, another in my 30s. Now I'm about to turn 40 and things have changed again.

In my early 20s I thought I'd marry my high school sweetheart and live a comfortable middle-class lifestyle

In my early 30s I thought my DH (who turned out to be someone other than my high school sweetheart) and I would have incredible financial success after grad school, own a house, have stable careers, and two children

Now I'm approaching my 40s with a decent, but not incredibly exciting job, too much student and credit card debt, no house, and one beautiful DD but no hope of another. It's not what I planned at any point, but I do plan for my 40s to dig myself out of debt, find some career happiness, and enjoy my wonderful DD's childhood years to the fullest. And I'm sure life will happen, and all kinds of things that I didn't plan will come along - all I can do is embrace the change and live the life I've got.

Sometimes I look back and I'm frustrated because I can pinpoint the exact three "big" choices I made that led me to this point. And I think, if only I'd done things differently...But I didn't. And looking back doesn't help, so I try to focus only on looking forward.

This is exactly it - I made a few poor choices that lead to some things not happening the way I had planned. But I guess what can you do but move forward

[Anonymous]

I didn't make a plan. Beyond finishing college and getting a job. Is what I have now what I expected? No. But I have two great kids. And they are the loves of my life. My husband, not so much. But we're stable. And we navigate every day. Maybe that's life.

[Anonymous]

Better than expected.

I had Good parents but they were sort of stuck in the 50s and got blindsided by the 60s;

they were not prepared for its effect on my siblings who went along with the times and: "tuned in, turned on, and dropped out." Siblings are my anti-roll models.

[Anonymous]

Career wise, yes. Good job and financial security.

Kids wise, even better than I could have hoped. Love my teenagers!

Thought my marriage would be better and that my parents would still be alive and that I'd be closer to my siblings.

So, a mixed bag.

[Anonymous]

I don't remember having any particular expectations. I could have done worse, I guess. I did not disappoint my parents, so there's that. I am not thrilled with how things turned out, but like many PPs, I have a lot to be thankful for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 35, in a relationship (not married) but no kids (and do not want kids). My life is not at all how I expected, but I think it turned out for the better so far.

I've seen so many of my married friends have all kinds of marriage problems, especially with the strain having kids adds. They are all chronically stressed, frustrated with their spouse (at best), and worried or angry. I value companionship over being married, and I'm happy being the fun, cool, energetic auntie. 30 years ago I would be considered the the loser, sad spinster - but I feel very fortunate.

I have more disposable income, can sleep in, am in good shape, like where I live, and feel pretty happy most days - even though life is quite different than how I imagined a "perfect picture" to look like when I was a kid.

Like OP, I no longer speak to my brother because of his mental health issues (bipolar at best, BPD at worst), but I also see this move as a positive, as my life is made better by not dealing with him.

So no spouse or kids, and didn't even mention your work. What gives your life meaning?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was supposed to marry a wealthy Jew and shop at Saks., host dinner parties, volunteer for a select non-profit. This did not happen.

I am disappointed that I am still buying clothes for myself at Old Navy in my 40's and driving a 13 year old car. I know these are just trappings, but I feel as if I have let my ancestors down not only by failing to continue to step up the socioeconomic ladder, but by falling down several rungs.

So you didn't figure out you needed your own MD or JD, not just to marry someone with one of those degrees?

[Anonymous]

I don't worry about what I planned. I am hopeful about my future despite chronic illness, divorce, and a stressful job.